Hasta La Gadget!

Cosmo’s Bermuda Triangle might get you lost, but it won’t get you laid.

At first I had hope. Call me crazy. But I did. When I saw Cosmo posted a story called “28 Mind-Blowing Lesbian Sex Positions,” for one second I thought, “Oh wow!” “Look at that!” “Cosmo is becoming more inclusive!” But it wasn’t one second later before my bubble was eternally and mind-shakingly burst.

It was as if a straight frat boy took out his doodle pad and drew every scene from every porn he had ever witnessed with Barbie or Disney princesses playing the leading roles, with their impossibly tiny bodies and silky, gravity-defying hair.

The positions were all hetero-normative fantasies of lesbian sex at their worst and silly at their best.

But I didn’t realize how truly insane and downright impossible they were until I called on my queer friends to act them out. I mean there was no way. Arms and legs were missing. It was impossible to hold up one’s own body weight, let alone the body weight of the other person in half of them. We had to balance on our tip toes and contort our bodies in the most insane ways. And, most importantly, there was nothing arousing about any of it.

None of the important parts were touching any of the other important parts unless you have a thing for lymph nodes or belly buttons or belt buckles. And you’d have to be either double-jointed or have your legs broken to make some of them work. Oh, and if you can’t levitate — including levitating your hair and beaded jewelry — you’re in real trouble.

It was like playing a hilarious game of Twister.

In other words, these positions are stupid. They are straight imaginations of what real women do in bed. If you’re still confused, let me just be really clear here: We have sex. We fuck. We use our fingers and our bodies and our mouths and our toys and we get ourselves and each other off. Just like straight people do. There’s stimulation and penetration and vibration. There’s licking and sucking and smacking and grabbing. There’s kissing and playing and laughing and coming. Lots and lots of coming.

But there is not, I repeat, there is not anyone rubbing foreheads on each others’ belly buttons or rubbing bottoms against anyone’s sternum, not in the name of having an orgasm any way.

I will say that Cosmo has a bad habit of offering silly sex advice to straight people too. (Remember the donut on the penis… ) So, it’s nice to know they come by this kind of nonsense honestly.

But there’s an added layer when it comes to misinformation about lesbian sex. This kind of garbage just adds to the idea that lesbians exist for male enjoyment somehow and that we don’t have “real” sex and that we’re silly girls pulling each others’ hair and having pillow fights. So, in that case, this stuff is downright dangerous.

As I’m finishing up my book on the female orgasm, I am reminded by articles like these that we girls, especially queer girls, still have a lot of myth-busting to do.

So in honor of that, without further ado, here are some of my queer friends performing 14 of Cosmo’s Ridiculous Ode to Lesbian Sex Positions.

Special thanks to my queer crew, Alley Hector et al.

In case you didn’t know, it’s the year of the crop top. And while there is plenty out there to explain exactly how to wear one, there isn’t much that outlines all the can go wrong when you decide to show some skin.

Thankfully, we have Hollywood for that. This week many stars showed us what not to do when flashing your tummy. Jada Pinkett Smith left little to the imagination in her skimpy outfit, while Jessica Alba thought that her black crop top was a great excuse for a super loud skirt and even louder heels.

Check out all worst-dressed stars of the week and let us know if you agree.

Jessica Alba

This is a case of too much at once. Alba almost got it right, but she failed below the belt. The busy, printed midi skirt with the mesh panelling is competing with those tasseled heels. But we do admit, the background of the photo isn’t helping matters.

Jada Pinkett Smith

Smith is showing a lot of skin with her exposed midriff, cleavage and cut-out skirt. She should have just picked one area to flaunt. The ensemble looks like it belongs in the bedroom, not on the red carpet.

Heidi Klum

The fabric of the dress really kills it for us. It looks like a cheap wedding dress that is highly flammable. A white dress without a sheen would have been much more successful.

Edy Ganem

Woah, there is a lot going on here. The “Devious Maids” star tried to combine too many trends at once. Between the ruffle detail on her top, the lace, the feathers and the gold beading, it’s overkill.

Elle Fanning

Everyone can wear every color, but not every shade of every color. And this shade of neon pink is jarring on Fanning’s fair complexion. We wish she had gone for a different hue or at least broken it up with different shoes.

We’ll admit it: Some of our favorite fashion trends are next to impossible to pull off. How are you supposed to wear a cape without looking like a superhero? And how do you get away with thigh-high boots without looking like an extra in “Pretty Woman”?

Have no fear because this week, Hollywood took some of the trickiest trends and executed them perfectly. Olivia Palermo managed to look like a total babe in a cape, while Nicola Peltz worked it in a bright orange dress — apparently orange really is the new black.

Check out the best-dressed stars of the week and let us know if you agree with our choices!

Olivia Palermo in Burberry

It’s all about capes this fall. And here, Palermo is showing us the perfect way to wear this cold weather trend in summer. She has expertly paired her topper with thigh-high boots, short shorts and a pair of mirrored sunnies to make it appropriate for the end of July. A bonus: If she throws on a pair of jeans, this look could easily work in September. The key to wearing a cape is to treat it the same way you would a jacket.

Nicola Peltz in Prada

Orange is a tricky color to wear (much like nude and yellow), as you need to find the right shade and the right silhouette to have success. And Peltz has done just that. The plunging neckline and exposed back balance out the long hemline, while the flowy skirt makes it look like she’s floating. This newcomer is one to watch.

Tia Mowry-Hardrict in Ellery

It’s so nice to see a different shape on the red carpet. The gown, with the deep-V neckline and bell-sleeves, is very trendy yet still suits the mature actress. Though a white frock is a classic, the voluminous sleeves ensure that she stands out from the crowd.

Fan Bingbing in Chictopia

This dress could have gone wrong in so many ways, but it didn’t. The structured shoulders balance out the spacious skirt, while the sophisticated silhouette and print makes the bow appear fashion-forward, not childish. This looks like an outfit that we would see during Paris Fashion Week — avant-garde and striking.

Chloe Moretz in Valentino

Moretz is certainly a lady in red. Her dress is elegant and effortless, but it’s still suitable for her young age with the Peter Pan collar. The macramé lace is also a nice departure from other fabrics we normally see. A+, Chloe!

Zoe Saldana in Monique Lhuillier

Saldana’s a fashionista through and through. We love how she went with a tight-fighting dress despite her growing belly. The sheer sleeve inserts give the dress a little something extra, as do those sky-high heels.

These days, there’s no need to stuff drugs up your butt to get them into a prison—you can just drop them in from your trusty drone. Unless you crash it, that is.

Read more…

When it comes to the right to take the mickey out of famous songs, movies or books, the UK has always cast envious eyes toward the US. That’s because a Brit couldn’t parody something unless they’d been given direct permission from the creator or paid…