Hasta La Gadget!

Mothers and children stand in a line, waiting their turn at the window to turn in their papers. The paperwork isn’t for anything fun; it’s not for anything they want to be a part of, but it’s something they have found they need to be a part of.

Mothers occupy themselves on their phones, feeling slightly embarrassed to be in this line while using a smartphone — but the truth is the phone is not the latest model, and they got it for free with their latest upgrade.

For one mom, the parent of three children, having a phone so her kids can reach her isn’t just a priority — it’s a necessity. She stares at the screen of her phone, desperately trying to avoid being drawn into a conversation with anyone, trying to pretend she is anywhere but here.

The kids, on the other hand, stand as if they are awaiting the firing squad. Heads down. Eyes averted. Trying to make themselves as small as they possibly can. Hoping and praying they don’t see anyone they know, and more importantly that no one they know sees them. A few hours ago they were happily playing a video game, and now they find themselves here standing in the line no one wants to be in.

The line they’re standing in is for free lunches when the school year starts, and a voucher to get a school uniform for free. Just one uniform, so if mom doesn’t scrape together some cash quick they’ll be wearing that exact same uniform every day of the school year.

As if this experience wasn’t already humiliating enough, mom overhears one of the school administrators answering a parent’s question:

“What’s that booth for?” asks a random parent who is there navigating the confusion that is freshman registration at high school.

“Oh, you don’t need that booth, that booth is just for the poor kids,” answers the school secretary.

Mom feels her face begin to burn and her eyes start to water. “Dammit, I will not cry while I’m registering my kid for school,” she thinks to herself while steeling her resolve to stand firmly in the line.

The kids all heard it too, that innocent comment from the school secretary describing them as “the poor kids” of the school. That’s a label they’ll carry with them all through the school year, even if their circumstances change.

They didn’t realize they were poor, they thought they just didn’t have a lot of money — but now they know they’re the poor kids.

The school secretary has no idea she has caused such a pain for these people; she said it without thinking. She didn’t mean anything by it, it’s just how she thinks of them. They are the poor kids.

She would never say, that door is just for the crippled kids.

She would never say, that entrance is just for the stupid kids.

She would never say, that hallway is just for the lazy kids.

Those things would be too politically incorrect.

We are living in a world where the way we build ourselves up is to tear someone else down. We are living in a world where it is not OK to allow our children to bully one another, but it is still acceptable for parents and other adults to tear each other down for not fitting in, for not meeting a standard society has set for them.

We don’t stop to think why these kids are in need of a free uniform voucher, or a free lunch ticket. We just think the parents are failures for not being better financial providers. “They should have stayed in school,” we think. “They should get a damn job,” we think.

We don’t want to think about the sequence of events that has brought them to where they are, because if that sequence of events could happen to them, it could happen to us, too. We could one day find ourselves in the poor kids’ line. Maybe there was an unexpected job loss, or an unforeseen health situation that impacted finances. Maybe their happily ever after didn’t quite work out, and now mom finds herself providing for the kids on her own income, when she thought she would be a stay-at-home mom instead. We don’t want to think about any of that; we just want to think about how we’re so much better than the kids and parents who have to stand in the poor kids’ line.

During the school year, the other students will have absolutely no way of knowing who is eating lunch for free, or who is wearing a free uniform, because we’ve taken pains to remove any possibility of kids bullying one another from the classroom. Their lunch money is on a card, the same as everyone else’s is, and they’ll swipe it at the register just like everyone else will. Their shirt and pants will come from the exact same store as everyone else’s does. Because we don’t want them to stand out, we don’t want them to be picked on or bullied, we want our kids to be safe from those experiences.

And yet, we can’t seem to stop adults from doing it. Where do we think the kids are learning how to bully? How to pick on someone just for being different than they are?

Why can’t we seem to figure out that different, in whatever form it comes, doesn’t necessarily mean bad? Why can’t we seem to figure out how to keep parents from bullying one another?

Why can’t we seem to figure out how to stop judging one another, and start helping one another?!

This essay is based on an experience relayed to me by a fellow mom.

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Less than a year out of college, I experienced my first blatant gender biased issue in the workplace. I was 23 and thought that things like gender biases were a thing of the past. As a fully qualified engineer, my top tasks were “set up a meeting,” “order lunch/cookies/coffee,” and “remind people to give you slides.” I thought I was just paying my dues, but a conversation with my manager exposed that he did not have plans to give me engineering tasks and that he was going to let the “big boys” handle being engineers. My hopes for an engineering career were quickly fading, and I needed to do something about it.

I came to the decision that I would not give my talents to a group that refused to appreciate me because of my gender. When I reached out to my friends for advice, I told them the ugly truth of the situation. Many of these strong women I graduated with didn’t believe me. As much as their doubt hurt, I kept talking. I needed to process what was happening and I needed someone to know that these issues do happen today.

What cut into my soul was that I have spent the past six years answering the phone to peers who call me in a crisis with similar workplace gender biased issues. Along with surprise that “this behavior still exists” they feel stranded on an island with 1950s sexists’ behavior. People who I haven’t talked to in years have reached out to me because they knew my story. In their minds, we are the only two people in America that have been denied recognition for our intellectual abilities because of our gender. This is not true, but how would we know — no one is talking about it.

So why aren’t we talking about workplace gender bias to college students? It is real, it does happen, and chances are if you’re in a male dominated field, you’ll face gender bias at some point. Worse, you probably won’t be prepared for it. You may find yourself crippled by shock.

The method I start people with is to come up with a catch phrase that is natural to them to directly tell an offender the behavior/action is inappropriate. My personal favorite is “not cool” and “that is not appreciated.” Some have even gone the Stephanie Tanner (Full House) route and proclaimed “how rude.” I encourage people to keep the phrase short and to write this catch phrase at the top of their notebook or on a sticky note so that in the heat of the moment all they have to do is read.

The sad thing is that most offenders don’t even realize their transgressions, until someone calls him/her out on it. Your ability to call someone out on offensive behavior shifts the power the offender is trying to obtain from him/her to you.

Fast forward a few years from the scared and hurt 23-year-old that I was, and you found me, the only woman in a room of men of an older generation than myself, making decisions. One of them says, “Well lady, you just twirl your hair and we’ll make the decisions.” Because I am prepared, my self-confidence shined through and I simply said “not cool.” I had just swiftly disarmed him of the power he was trying to obtain by cutting me down. After the meeting he asked to speak with me. He apologized, and I had the chance to explain to him that I do not welcome microagressions.

Prepare yourself with a catch phrase. Challenge inappropriate behavior. And finally, talk about it. Hiding these issues inside ourselves benefits no one.

Students at the University of Chicago are circulating a list of men who have shown “troubling behavior towards romantic or sexual partners,” according to the group behind the effort.

The list was posted in restrooms and in the hallways of the Harper Memorial Library, according to the students who created it. A photo of the “Hyde Park List,” a reference to the university’s location, began circulating online Monday among sexual assault and feminist activist circles.

A similar list popped up in the spring at Columbia University, naming men on campus who had allegedly sexually assaulted other students. One appeared at Brown University two decades earlier.

Unlike the lists at Brown and Columbia, the printed list at the University of Chicago refers to a Tumblr page, which contained additional details, including descriptions like, “Often at fraternity parties.” The Tumblr list was reported for harassment and was taken down Sunday. It returned online late Tuesday, and was taken down again Wednesday afternoon.

The men named on the University of Chicago list have diverse backgrounds. Each name has either a “Code Red” or “Code Orange” note next to it, which the sponsors say represent the severity of supposed offenses.

The anonymous activists behind the list — a mix of sexual assault survivors and allies, according to students — cautioned that the names should not be considered a “rapist list.”

“We are not claiming to be judge, jury, and executioner,” the group wrote in a note online. “The individuals on the list are individuals we would warn our friends about, because of their troubling behavior towards romantic or sexual partners. Usually, this means either a pattern of negative/troubling behavior, or a very significant negative act. Sexual assault can be one of them, but we are not claiming that all the individuals on the list have committed sexual assault.”

The Huffington Post is not naming the men or linking to the Tumblr because there is no indication that any of the men have been accused or convicted of any offenses.

The University of Chicago is one of 78 colleges and universities under federal investigation for how it handles sexual violence.

“The University has failed to protect the community, sexual assault is historically deeply underreported, and we have failed as a campus to have a real and serious conversation about sexual assault on campus,” the Tumblr says. “… If administration cared about protecting survivors, and not their own reputation, this list would not exist.”

The university declined to comment on the list, but said it is committed to “to preventing and addressing sexual misconduct, unlawful harassment, and discrimination.”

“University efforts have included the creation of student support programs such as the Sexual Assault Dean-on-Call, the Bias Response Team, and RSVP (Resources for Sexual Violence Prevention); the growth of confidential resources offered by the Student Counseling Service and the SADoC program; and special training for University police officers in responding to acts of sexual violence,” the school said in a statement. “The University also has continued to update its policies and disciplinary processes, as it did in 2006, 2010, 2011, and again this year.”

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