Hasta La Gadget!

Last week, India became the first Asian nation to reach Mars, and the first in the world to do so on its first attempt.

The spacecraft called Mars Orbiter Mission (MOM) in English and “Mangalyaan” or “mars craft” in Hindi was launched in November and reached the orbit on Wednesday, to much jubilation from the public.

India’s first interplanetary mission is all the more creditable because, at $72 million, Mangalyaan cost just a fraction of NASA’s $670 million Maven, and $2 billion Curiosity Rover. It also cost less than to produce the film Gravity, and at Rs.7 or 11 cents, per kilometer, cost less than the per-kilometer cost of commuting by autorickshaw in most Indian cities.

So yesterday’s New York Times’ comic by Heng, titled “India’s budget mission to Mars” seems in poor taste.

The comic depicts a poor Indian farmer in traditional garb, accompanied by a bored-looking cow, eagerly knocking on the door of “Elite Space Club”. The two people in the elite space club drinking wine and reading about India’s mission in the papers look perturbed and hesitant to open the door. It is also worth noting that the members of the elite space club are male, white, elderly and look wealthy. Whether meant to be funny or ironic, the racial, national and classist stereotyping is apparent.

In reaching Mars, the Indian Space Research Organization (ISRO) joins the ranks of Soviet space program, NASA and European Space Agency. It not only did so on a budget, but also battling “brain drain“. It’s a commonly lamented problem that many of the country’s brightest scientists and engineers end up working internationally, and tend to shy away from research in India, especially an area like space research, because it’s not as lucrative.

The comic strip comes at the time of Indian Prime Minister, Narendra Modi’s maiden visit to the United States. Addressing a 20,000 strong crowd at Manhattan’s iconic Madison Square Garden yesterday, he emphasized India’s new role on the world stage and its growing economic clout. “When people ask if we still play with snakes in our country, I tell them that now we play with the mouse,” Mr Modi said, drawing attention to the changing stereotype of India from a nation of snake charmers to one of technical prowess.

In case the Times is wondering what interplanetary-mission-heading Indian scientists look like then here you go, this is what they look like:

And this:

And this:

The male engineers are wearing Western gear, while some of the female engineers are rocking traditional silk saris, the kind usually worn on special occasions, and jasmine flowers in their hair. On regular days, they work in full suits. There are no farm animals in sight at the ISRO office. And they certainly don’t look desperate for membership into some secret elite club. In fact, their jubilance says it all.

See, there are lots of socially and economically elite people in the world — being elite is like winning the lottery. But only a handful of human beings in history can claim to have sent a spaceship to another planet. That is brilliance and merit. That is actualizing human potential and literally moving humanity forward — like inventing the wheel, or, you know, sending a spaceship to Mars. One doesn’t have to be a rocket scientist to understand that.

Things are never going to be the same after divorce. Everyone knows this. But the feelings following the fracturing of the family unit take a while to be fully felt and dealt with. After the hurt and healing begins to take place, it’s up to the adults in the family to move upward from the ashes and into the new new life ahead. Easier said than done, I know, but here are some ideas that might help that transition.

From this side of my divorce, four years later, I can easily say my life is better. Not how I expected it, but better in some unexpected ways. There is loss. I miss my kids terribly when they are away, when I don’t have immediate and continuous access to them. The off-time phone calls are all very similar. “Hi.” “How are you?” “Fine.” “Anything new at school today?” “No.” “Okay. Love you.” “Love you too.”

It’s like a telegraph. And often it is just a few text messages at night, that carry the same words. But the message beneath the words is “I am here, I love you, and I am available for you, when you need me. Always.”

Even when you feel like you’re not getting through to them, you are. The support they feel just from your check-ins cannot be underestimated. Letting them know you love them. Making sure they hear it from you as often as they will tolerate it.

As adults, according to Brené Brown, we show our kids how to behave in difficult situations. Rather than trying to parent correctly, what we need to show our kids is how to live correctly. So as you are suffering from the damage of divorce, it is critical that you take your “work” outside the relationship with your kids. You can let them know you are working through stuff, but your issues cannot be processed with them. They are still kids. Let them remain kids and go do your adult work with other adults.

Too many times I’ve heard angry parents railing about their ex-partners in front of their kids. This is awful. There is no complaint that your kids can make better. There is no situation with your ex that they can help resolve. Keep the adult conversations and conflicts between the adults. And do your best at parenting by showing your kids how to live and forgive with compassion.

Know that your loneliness is your issue, and that it also cannot be solved by your kids. It’s not about more or less time with your kids. The loneliness is something deeper, that probably has roots in your family of origin. Sure the pain of the separation and divorce have triggered your loneliness again, but it’s not something that can be solved with or through your kids.

As a divorced parent you now have time alone. What are you going to do with your new life? Who do you want to become? What parts of yourself did you let drop in your marriage, that now have space to grow and flourish again?

I was talking to my daughter in the kitchen several months ago, processing the positive effects of the divorce with her. “There are some things that are definitely better for me,” I said. “And I know when I’m happier, I’m a better dad to you guys, as well.” She nodded. “And you know I wouldn’t have been able to play music again as much as I am, when I was still married. But now I have this time, when you guys are not with me. And I’m playing a lot of tennis again and that makes me happy too.”

It’s not that I was trying to justify or explain the divorce to her. I was trying to show her how my life has transitioned because of the divorce, and how I’ve made the most of my time. I have recovered my joyous self, and it’s important that I show up as that same joyous parent in their lives.

And part of my joy is losing the anger at their mom. Getting over the loss of time with them. Getting on with what I need to work on in my life, as a single man.

I have stayed pretty focused on my own healing and the well-being of my kids. I haven’t put the energy or time into finding and building a new relationship. That has been my choice. And I’ve grown a lot from allowing the loneliness to inform my soul of what things are important in my life and what things that I can drop.

I can drop the drama from my life, completely. When drama occurs I can observe it, name it, and step away. I no longer have to live in the drama. When it’s an issue with their mom I can give myself the space and time I need to respond with kindness. Again, what I am showing my kids is how to respond to all types of losses and frustrations with kindness and hopefulness.

I’m not always happy, but I’m always hopeful. And I can show both sides of that coin to my kids. They’ve seen me struggle, but they’ve always known I was strong enough to come back and keep coming back to be 100 percent available to them.

I’ve seen both of my kids deal with some pretty major setbacks since the divorce. And I’ve seen them roll on with calm, optimism, and their own brand of hope. They both have their own internal languages and healing patterns for coping, and the tumble of the divorce gave them some practice at dealing with things not working out. That’s a great life lesson. Things are not always going to work out. When things fall apart, it is the optimism and hope that pulls our lives back together.

Neither of my kids harbors any bitterness about the divorce. They’ve got their sadnesses, we all do. There are times when it is clear they are missing the inclusion of the entire unit. But my ex has been with her boyfriend for over 2.5 years now, and he is also a solid figure in their lives. He comes to volleyball games even when their mom can’t. I love him for that.

We’re all just doing the best we can. That my ex-wife has found new love is a wonderful thing for her, and for my kids. She deserves to be happy. And the happier she is the happier my kids are, and tangentially, the happier I am as well. We’re all still in this together, ’til death do us part.

Always Love,

John McElhenney
@wholeparent

back to Positive Divorce

related posts:

• The Next 100 Coffee Filters: Don’t Be Hasty About Your Divorce
• I’m Proud of You: The Dance of Fathers and Their Sons
• Continuing Forgiveness As a Single Parent
• The Rest of Our Lives Loving the Same Person

image: kids tandem, richard masoner, creative commons usage

Around this time last year, Zero Motorcycles showcased its 2014 lineup of electric motorcycles, and now the company is back to unveiled its 2015 bikes. With the new models comes designs that are distinct but improved in multiple ways, not the least of which is a boost to the range they get on a charge. The Zero S, Zero SR, … Continue reading

It does look as though life gets pretty much monotonous after a while, and the search for the next big thing tends to require something which is whole lot more outrageous than before, prior to it picking up the relevant amount of attention along the way. Well, if you have ever gone for some adrenaline pumping activities like bungee jumping and tried describing the experience to your friends, a thesaurus might not do you justice – which is why it is better to record the entire jump. What better way to do so than to capture it on video for posterity? GoPro is an old hand at rugged adventure cameras, and their latest device, the high performance HERO4, has just been announced.

Basically, the GoPro HERO4 will arrive in two different editions – the GoPro HERO4 Black which will retail for $499, while the Go Pro HERO4 Silver will cost $399. Both of them will make use of GoPro’s Emmy Award-winning imaging technology that merges enhanced ease-of-use and powerful new features such as 4K30, 2.7K50 and 1080p video capture (Black) and built-in touch display convenience (Silver), making it a whole lot easier and more convenient for you to capture a video selfie while you are embarking on an adrenaline pumping experience.

The GoPro HERO4 Black is touted to offer up to double the performance of its best-selling predecessor, where it is now capable of capturing cinema-quality 4K video at 30 frames per second, 2.7K video at 50fps and 1080p video at a blistering 120fps, which more or less does way with the rolling shutter issue in many scenarios, all the while paving the way for time-bending slow motion effects. Not only that, the HERO4 Black will also come with an entirely redesigned audio system which will be able to capture high fidelity sound with twice the dynamic range of previous models. There will also be other enhancements such as improved image quality, low light performance, highlight moment tagging and an improved user interface, making this the highest performance GoPro to date.

As for the GoPro HERO4 Silver, it comes with similar professional image quality as the HERO4 Black, although it lacks some of the higher performance video capture modes such as 4K30, 2.7K50 and 1080p at 120fps. There is a brilliant built-in touch display though, paving the way for convenience and ease-of-use.

Expect the spanking new GoPro HERO4 line to arrive this coming October 5.

Press Release
[ GoPro unveils HERO4 high performance video capture accessory copyright by Coolest Gadgets ]

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