Hasta La Gadget!

Matt McGorry is currently living every actor’s dream by working on TV shows produced by Shonda Rhimes and Jenji Kohan. They are two of Hollywood’s biggest powerhouse successes, and they also happen to be women, which means the discussion about their work spotlights their role as pioneers in a male-dominated field. But McGorry is looking forward to a time when that’s no longer part of the conversation.

McGorry stars in “How To Get Away With Murder” and “Orange Is The New Black” — both shows with a tremendous amount of racial and gender diversity. The actor told HuffPost Live’s Ricky Camilleri on Oct. 30 that there is “absolutely” an inherent sexism in the way the media talks about Kohan and Rhimes, as demonstrated most recently by an ill-conceived piece lauding Rhimes’ success as a “angry black woman.”

These “growing pains,” McGorry explained, hopefully contribute to an important cultural evolution.

I have faith in humanity, but I also think that people can’t skip this stage of it. I think that to get to the ideal stage of it, where we don’t have to talk about it being a woman or a black woman and this and that, it has to go through this stage, because there’s a lot of people who don’t understand … what it should be. That shift is growing pains, I think — things that should be avoided, hopefully, but also I think something that is a sign things are moving toward the right path.

See McGorry’s full comments on sexism in the video above, and click here for the full HuffPost Live conversation.

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My first experience as a sales trainer and coach was with a privately held energy company with nearly 400 employees. I was so excited to have the opportunity to work with up-and-coming sales representatives to help them improve sales while also enjoying their work more.

I was a little disappointed when I discovered that the first question everyone seemed to ask me was, “What’s the secret to closing more sales?”

Over the years, I’ve noticed that this has continued to be the most popular question with every group I’ve worked with. So many people believe that there must be some simple secret to getting a potential customer to, “Yes.” They hope that if they just changed one thing about how they approach the closing process, they will close significantly more often.

Fortunately, there is one simple thing we can do to close significantly more sales: Forget about closing.

In fact, we should forget about trying to make a sale altogether and make it our top priority to be a servant.

The Servant Interview

Most people who have been through sales training learn that a key phase of the sales process is to interview the potential client to determine whether or not our product or service is a fit. Great sales people, and great sales organizations, realize that focusing on the interview, and shifting the focus of the interview, is the secret to sustainable, long-term sales success.

The sales greats don’t look at the interview as a way to simply qualify or disqualify a potential client. They look at the interview as an opportunity to really understand a broad range of the person’s goals, aspirations, and needs.

An effective interview includes questions like:

• What are you most passionate about?
• What are your top 3 professional goals for the next 12 months?
• What are your top 3 personal goals for the next 12 months?
• What are the top three issues faced by your organization right now?

By asking questions like this, we uncover all sorts of ways that we might be able to help the person we’re interviewing that may have nothing to do with the product or service we’re selling.

And that’s point! We’re shifting from trying to get a sale to simply being a servant in whatever way we can.

The Power of Being a Servant

There are several reasons why this is so effective. First, a person can sense when we need a sale, and it repels them.

Have you ever noticed that whenever you were single in your life it was often very hard to get a date? Why? It’s because the energy of desire or desperation is quite unattractive. Yet, the moment you’re in a committed relationship it seems that everyone wants to go out with you.

In the same way, when our focus is on helping a person however we can instead of on our own desires, we project a confident energy that is attractive to people. People like us more. Even more important, when people sense that we’re genuinely focused on helping them, they trust us.

As most of us know, people are much more likely to do business with someone they like and trust.

Second, this approach helps us to generate sales even from encounters with people who would not benefit from our product or service.

If our product or service is not the best solution for the problems and needs we uncover during our interview, we still have lots of ways that we can be of service thanks to the thorough interview we conducted. One of the ways we could be of service is to refer the potential client to someone that could meet their needs, even if that person is our competitor.

This approach prevents us from acquiring a customer that would have ultimately been unsatisfied, which hurts us in the long term. Also, by helping the person meet her needs, she is likely to refer clients to us. Referred clients are much more likely to do business with us because there is already some built-in trust.

Third, by building such a solid foundation of trust with a potential client, and only asking for the business when our product or solution is a great fit for that person, closing becomes effortless most of the time. By the time we ask for the business (if we even have to ask at all), it’s essentially a formality. The client already likes us, trusts us, and sees how we can solve a legitimate problem for him.

An Incredible Return on Investment

In addition to helping us earn new customers, this servant interview approach also helps us with our existing clients.

A great example of this is outlined in an excellent experiment reported by the Database Marketing Institute.

A manufacturer of building products, along with a consulting firm, divided their top 1,200 customers into a test group of 600 and a control group of 600. The control group was treated exactly as all other customers had been in the past.

The representatives working with the test group significantly ramped up communication with decision makers. They did not try to sell. They did not offer discounts. They simply worked at deepening friendships and providing valuable information.

The results were striking.

After six months, the test group made 12% more orders than they had in the previous six months, while the control group actually made 18% fewer orders (likely because of the recession). The test group placed 14% larger orders, while orders placed by the control group were actually 14% smaller than before. Overall, the test group ended up spending $2.6 million more with the company than did the control group during the test period. The test only cost $50,000, so the return on investment over six months was over 5,200%.

We all have an opportunity to realize an even greater return on investment. It only costs a little extra time to uncover the legitimate need of another person and work to help them however we can.

—

Matt Tenney is a social entrepreneur, an international keynote speaker, and the author of Serve to Be Great: Leadership Lessons from a Prison, a Monastery, and a Boardroom. To sign up for his free e-Zine and receive a free e-Book, click here.

The news in the past week held stories of good men but much more of the opposite of that: of bravery and sacrifice and of stepping up and conversely of buck passing and fear, abuse and violence.

It’s a hidden truth that men still hold the power. If that’s so, then the only way things are going to get better is if it’s those same men demanding it. If it’s them who find how justice is enacted, how wars are fought, how violence is begotten, how women are treated, to be unacceptable, that things will be different.

Unfortunately, the world won’t be a better place until it’s the men who won’t accept anything less. And it starts with the children.

That’s why I think it’s my role as the mother of sons, to raise them to become those kinds of men; to be mensches.

What is a mensch? As with many Yiddish words, it’s hard to define in english. The most literal definition is a human being, but as we know, that doesn’t really mean much these days.

A mensch is a someone to admire and emulate, someone of noble character. The key to being “a real mensch” is nothing less than character, rectitude, dignity, a sense of what is right, responsible, decorous. (Rosten, Leo. 1968. The Joys of Yiddish. New York: Pocket Books. 237)

I’m the first woman that my guys will have ever loved, and probably not the last (because even if they’re gay, which they say they’re not but you never know, they’ll still love women but just in a different way). I’m their sounding board and their influence and hopefuly their conscience, and just like it’s my job to raise my daughter to be a strong and confident, self-assured and beautiful-on-the-inside woman, it’s my responsibility to raise my sons to be good men.

I want them to be someone worthy of being admired and emulated. To be of noble character, whatever that means. I want to infuse them with goodness and dignity, responsibility, and sense of what’s right. Because those Yiddish-makers knew the score: these are the things that matter.

But how?

I can encourage them to be their best selves: While it’s tempting, I don’t give them all the answers or tell them how to behave. I don’t tell them who to be friends with or what to do. But I ask questions. A lot of them. Sometimes really hard ones. I ask them what they think, why they do things and whether they think they made the best decision. I encourage them to be self-reflective. I ask them how they feel about others’ actions, not to judge, but to learn. I hope they find use my questions as a pathway to think for themselves and make these good choices on their own. I won’t always be there, but my voice asking “Is this good?” will be.

I can teach them to look outside themselves: I believe that being empathetic and aware of others is a skill that not everyone is born with. One of my sons feels the plight of others too deeply, while alas, the other not enough. For both it’s a balancing act that they need to learn. Because being able to intuit another’s needs and feelings and try to understand their motivations, and sometimes put them above your their own is how they will forge long-lasting and successful relationships in all areas of their lives.

I can teach them to fail and then get up: I don’t know if humans are born with a feeling of infallibility, or whether it’s a learned behaviour. Regardless, I want to imbue my sons with resilience and grit and the knowledge that they’re not perfect. It serves no purpose to continually build their egos up because then they won’t know how to love themselves even when they have not succeeded. Their self-esteem must be based on how they recover after a failure, not just on how wonderful they are (which they are, don’t get me wrong.) Otherwise, they may never learn to accept themselves, or others, as they are.

I help them to understand that it’s not always more important to be right: For many men (and women), arguing to the bitter end and a need to win supersedes everything. There’s no shame in conceding to another, to seeking a middle ground, to giving up. Sometimes it’s just easier and sometimes it’s just kindness. But the truth is, people are more important than winning, and the ones that you love and respect should always take precedence over what will only turn out to be pyrrhic victory.

I can teach them they’re not the most important person in the world: Of course, to me they are. As is their sister and their father. But there is great satisfaction to be gained from putting someone else first, from thinking about what will make another happy, to gain joy from giving and not just receiving. I want my sons to know that there is contentment to be gained from respecting and doing for another, even if – especially if – there’s nothing in it for you.

I can encourage them to accept responsibility: It’s hard to come right out and admit you’re wrong. But there’s so much to be gotten from doing so. There is great value in honesty. To me, lying is worse than anything they may have done, for a dishonest heart will always take the path of least resistance. Learning from your mistakes and taking your lumps is one of the consequences of living. Buck passing, throwing someone else under the bus, cheating on your spouse, or placing blame on the recipient of your errors (or your crimes god forbid) is worse than the worst. Be a stupid ass, but then own it. Whether it’s that they didn’t do their homework or they struck someone in the heat of anger or passion, they won’t be able to be better unless they know that they’re wrong. And this is a hard truth.

I can teach them to respect women and treat them well and not to judge a book by it’s cover. I can teach them that it’s ok to cry and to care and to be warm and loving and strong and soft. And to step up to their responsibilities and to ask for help when they need it, and to give up when it’s not working and to to dig deeper when there’s more to give. I can offer them a sense of community and an environment where they can build the inner strength they need to stand up to others and to understand their fears and to give in to their reluctance because it doesn’t feel right, and to push hesitation aside and take the leap. I can help them to find the strength to take their knocks and to support others when they’re taking theirs. I can teach them to listen and to learn and to grow and to teach and to be.

I can teach them to be mensches, but in the end, it’s all up to them and what kind of men they want to grow up to be.

I’d love to hear from other mothers of sons. What are you doing to grow great human beings?

(Originally published on BeNiceorLeaveThanks.com)

Brittany,

Thank you for sharing your story of strength with the world. I respect the courage you expressed in not only making the decision to end your life, but for sharing it with the world. I have thought of you so often since first hearing about you and am hopeful that you have made the most of every day.

As the anticipated day arrives, I want to share my support of your decision. I cannot imagine how difficult it was to come to make this choice, but I do know how difficult it is to watch someone you love suffer from a terminal brain tumor.

I watched my husband die slowly after being diagnosed with an anaplastic astrocytoma brain tumor. I watched him lose so many things before the tumor took his life. The tumor stole his ability to walk, to talk, to use his left side, to care for his daily needs and to hold our daughter in his arms. Uncontrolled seizures filled our already challenging days with trepidation and anxiety.

We lost more than words can say after the words “brain tumor” entered our lives. All that we lost was replaced with fear of the unknown. We also lost the ability to control our lives; to plan ahead because we never knew what tomorrow would bring.

I wish more than anything that I never had to know what it is like to live and die with a brain tumor, but since that was not an option, I envy your choice and wish I had the strength to do as you are doing.

There has been much discussion about your decision and it has opened the debate about medical treatment of terminally ill and compassionate care. For those who don’t understand or support your decision, well they are lucky. I assume they have never seen somebody they love die of an extended illness. I was able to schedule an appointment and choose the day my daughter was born; I would have appreciated to choose the day to say my final goodbye to my husband, on our terms.

Brittany, thank you for bringing attention to this issue and for sharing the story of your life and your death with us. You are an inspiration and have empowered so many people who are in similar situations. I wish you and your family peace and strength. Your impact on this world will last long beyond when you decide to take your last breathe.

Respectfully yours forever,
Wendy Berk