Hasta La Gadget!

NASA has again remastered images taken in the 1990s of Jupiter’s icy moon Europa, and it is the most stunning version yet. In it we get a look at the moon’s vein-like threading through an otherwise pitted and etched white landscape — says the space agency, this image best shows what Europa would look like to the human eye, never … Continue reading

Great Scott! Did you know that Back to the Future was never supposed to have a sequel? Imagine that reality for a second — a world without Marty McFly’s hoverboard and shoes and flying DeLorean? The mind reels!

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Ahh. The end of the year. Tis the season for reflecting on all those unmet goals, listening (and reading about) family and friends who are tooting their own horns left and right, and bracing yourself for……the resentment you still have left in your heart from the year. Wait…what? What to do w/ those remnant squares of hurt? Read on, my friends.

Before you think I’m a total Debbie Downer, I will have you know that yes- this will end on a positive note. I do happen to run two companies that bring positive vibes, inspiration and change into people’s lives. However, I’m not afraid to stomp on the eggshells and address the elephants in the room head on — around the looming thoughts that dance like sugarplums through ALL of our (mostly positive) heads, from time to time.

We all have self-doubt, know we are not perfect and possibly have some self-confidence issues. But do we really acknowledge that we have hurt and anger built up, for generations to come? I am generally, very positive. From the outside, people would definitely say so. When I asked some of my close friends and confidants to describe me a while back, I got responses like “loyal, thoughtful, helpful, sentimental, compassionate, energetic, animated, caring and patient” so I feel it’s safe to say that for the most part, I’m positive.

What I can also be, is the biggest bitch you’ve ever laid eyes on. (Wait WHAT…. the owner of the spiritual-upbeat-positive-holistic-tree hugging-spiritual-woo-woo-self-care-self-help-I love all walks of life) company? Yep. That’s me. But I also think that I have a real gift for realizing the lesson and even ASKING for it, early on. While many people want to run and hide at the thought of ANOTHER life lesson, I’m actually begging for them. We all have moments in life that we aren’t proud of, or that were a real-life educational treat. Moments that we might take back, we might not.

I throw daggers with my eyes, can think of the quickest, wittiest comment and make grown men run for the hills if they see me coming. If looks could kill, they’d be dead. I can be pretty downright scary at times, at 5’5″ and 125 pounds. I’m quick, can sputter out facts and things that you may have “did” 15 years ago and tell you who you were with and what you were drinking at the drop of a hat. My grandmother always said I should be a lawyer, cause I can argue and make a case like nobody’s business. And what she failed to say (but I knew she was thinking) was that I am relentless for getting my side of the story heard. In fact, I can think of a few grown men that are scared of me right now, or they should be. Maybe you know someone like this — who will stick up for you no matter what. Maybe it’s you!?

As positive as I am and may seem at times, as many wonderful things unfolded during 2014 (and there were many wonderful things), for much of the year, I was angry. I cringe at typing these words. But I was. I, along with my husband, were very hurt and unnecessarily stomped on by numerous people. (Don’t worry…I’m not one to call us the ‘victims’ here and “look what they’ve done TO us”, because I know there is no such thing. It’s all a matter of perception.) However, things happened, and it hurt. It stung. We got hit below the belt. We were sore. What we went through left me with a bad taste in my mouth, no matter how many times I brushed my teeth or how many hot yoga sessions I went to.

We were hot with temper and freezing with a cold heart. We cared for our emotional bruises day in and day out, attempting to smolder (gracefully) the sparks of mad and sad that lurked up through the ashes. Day in and day out, we took the high road. He took the high road. We did the right thing. We worked hard, went about things honestly, tried everything we could, but it wasn’t enough. He took the higher road. When you see someone you love get pissed on, you get, well… pissy. Without even knowing what situation I’m referring to, maybe you can relate?

Whether it was being in business with people who attempted to suck the sunshine and life right out of us, or fending off creative vampires who took a bite of my brain, or (literally) installing security systems to keep stealing family members at bay — this IS the year, to practice exercising my forgiveness muscle.

And up to this very minute I can say I’m truly grateful for the moments, the lessons. I can say that 2014 was the year of the F word. The other F word: forgiveness.

Forgiveness is so hard for me. I’ll admit, my first reaction nine times out of 10 is to “give them a taste of their own medicine.” Over this past year, I’ve learned to be SO aware of my emotions and what triggers them. I learned a very important lesson long ago, which I need to start living again, and that is: you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

Unfortunately for me, I didn’t smear down a lot of honey this year. I was hurt. I was pissed. And I didn’t know what I know now (gotta love the timing of those life lessons!). Cause when you know better, you do better. (Thank you, Maya Angelou). But I’m here to share with you, my dear grasshopper: the lessons and exercises I’ve learned to help TRULY forgive. Not forget, just forgive. For real. This. Time.

10 Ways to Forgive the Bullshit (NOW) from 2014:
1. Understand that forgiveness is a choice. “Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent free in your head.” You have a choice. You can keep allowing this anger/resentment/hurt to bubble up day after day until it inevitably, explodes. OR, you can CHOOSE to work on simmering that blood-boiling pot and be happy again, you choose.
2. Understand that you don’t get to decide karma. This was a hard one for me. Put the damn karma grading scale away. What you think “should” happen to them, is way different than will actually happen. Acknowledge and accept this. And let karma do her thang.
3. Trust. Trust that the universe/world/God/your boss/your ex/whoever isn’t out to “get” you. “When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” — Paulo Coelho Did you ever think, maybe… just maybe the world/your life is trying to tell you something? That it’s trying to guide you and you just won’t listen? So… this is the world being sarcastically funny. You are learning the lessons the hard way- because you wouldn’t learn the first/second/third time she tried to teach them to you! So start trusting again. Trust, assists forgiveness and vise versa.
4. Don’t, please don’t say it’s OK. Whatever is going on, it’s not and never has been OK. Otherwise- you wouldn’t feel this way, right? So quit saying that it is OK. What you can do, is become aware. Let it settle. Give it space. Acknowledge (and voice) if that helps- that it is not and was never OK, but you are in the process of forgiving.
5. Leave reconciliation for another day. If and only if, this truly is the last step on your forgiveness path, then leave this for a day when both parties are ready. It takes two to make it right (and move a relationship forward) if that is what you are going for. It takes only one to forgive.
6. Work(out) it out. Nothing like pounding into the pavement or bike the thoughts you wish would just leave your head already. Go for a walk with your favorite jam. Start thinking about the issue. You’ll be running in no time. And relieving stress. And burning calories (bonus).
7. Find the grace. Without sounding cliché, I’m going to sound cliché. Everything happens for a reason. You know this because it’s one of the first quote cards you pinned on your Pinterest board way back in 2011. There is a reason this situation happened. There is a lesson to be learned and this IS in a really effed up way, trying to get you on the right ship that sails to bliss island. Your mission: figure out what it is and as soon as possible, preferably before you self-destruct. See #3.
8. Understand that being angry creates more of a problem. “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” ~Carrie Fisher~ It’s not doing you any good, being angry. Or hurt! Who wants to be sad because of someone else all day? We can be sad on our own, thank-you-very-much. So follow these steps, then do something that brings you joy.
9. Set a forgiveness date with yourself. No, really. Write it on your calendar. Like not tonight, but plan a day within the next 30 days and write out all of the things you will do on your forgiveness date. I’m serious. Commit to it. It’s not a surprise, you have time to plan what you will say, what you will do. Sit with your crazy ass self for a hot second, or an entire day. Cry it out. Channel your inner toddler and allow yourself to have a temper tantrum. Eat the comfort food, journal, and sink your feet into the earth. THIS is the day- you will drop all kinds of Fbombs and hopefully after, with low maintenance you will be over it. Try these actions on your forgiveness date.
10. Stop waiting for an apology. Stop Trying. In other words: let go. If all else fails, seek positive revenge by living well (it’s the honey and the vinegar thing). Focus on your life, right now. Create positive change each day. Take the high road. Map out how you want to feel, every moment, every day. Nice guys don’t always finish last, but many give up before they reach the finish line. The best revenge is personal victory. Know in your heart and through every ounce of your being that you are a good person, and you gave it your all.

Most people, are good people. And if they are not being good people, it’s because they don’t know any better. No one has taught them right from wrong. They believe that in order to get ahead, they must take from others. They haven’t learned that there is enough sunshine for everyone. If it were easy for them to get what they want (money, success, love, feelings of accomplishment, material things) or knew how, they probably would. They live from a place of fear, that they will never have enough. They haven’t found the love or light in their heart yet, to move ahead with integrity. Doing the right thing is for smart people. Using your brain, and getting the result you want without hurting others, is for smart people. Taking what is not yours or what was earned by someone else, is for fools. Treating others with courtesy and respect is for smart people. Whoever hurt you, wasn’t willing to learn this time around. And it’s not your job to decide when it is their time to learn the lesson (see #2). Just know, that the lesson for them, will get louder and louder until they are finally caught, or they finally learn. Break the cycle. Today. And see #2.

If there is anything I can say about forgiving in 2014, it’s this: like anything, forgiveness takes a little (soul)work. It’s not a 1-step process and yes, even maintenance is as important as the initial fix itself. It’s easy to get re-worked up about issues that you’ve already let escape you.

But it’s cool. Why am I throwing myself under the bus? Because I’m not in business to claim I have perfect and I have all the answers. I’m here to live my life, learn the lessons, and teach others what I’ve learned- in the hopes, we can learn from each others mistakes.

I never thought I would feel the hurt, anger and resentment I did in 2014. Not in a million years would I have thought I could be so, damn mad. But then again, I never thought I would think so highly of it either.

One of my favorite short tales goes like this:

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.
He said, “My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.
One is Evil. It is fear, distrust, anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, purpose, serenity, humility, kindness, self-worth, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf wins?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

Which one will you feed not in 2015, but now?

Don’t allow 2014 to end the same way you’ve been feeling much of the year. Make your 2014 Fbomb a Forgiveness #truthbomb. Want to really get to the core of how you want to feel? I can help with that!

Comment below — what are you forgiving this year? How are you going to do it?

Two weeks ago, President Obama wrote a letter to the Supreme Leader of Iran, Ayatollah Khamenei. According to the Wall Street Journal, the letter “described a shared interest between the US and Iran in fighting Islamic State militants and stressed that any cooperation would be largely contingent on Iran reaching a comprehensive agreement with global powers on the future of Tehran’s nuclear program by the November 24 deadline.”

And then all hell broke loose in Washington.

The onslaught of criticism by foreign policy observers was deafening, even from those who support the nuclear talks. The President, they wrote, had committed a grave tactical misstep with this letter, where he entreated the Ayatollah to support the finalization of a nuclear deal with the P5+1. Furthermore, Obama made it sound like the US was beseeching Iran for its help against the Islamic State, thereby conveying a sense of “American desperation and weakness in the face of Iran’s position of advantage.”

Instead of this undignified plea for Iranian flexibility, Obama should have told it to the Iranians the way it is: Iran needs this nuclear deal more than the US does; only a deal will allow its economy to recover from the concussion of P5+1-imposed sanctions, and were Tehran to blow up the negotiations, harsher sanctions would not be outside the realm of possibility. Jeffrey Goldberg in the Atlantic even wrote a semi-farcical fake letter of what Obama should have said – a showcase of American self-assertiveness to remind Tehran that ‘all options are [still] on the table’.

The fact of the matter is, this is precisely what Obama should not have said. Many Western observers of Iran may possess a perfect command of the technical intricacies of the nuclear issue, but time and again, they evince a lack of one thing: an understanding of the Iranian psyche.

The vast potential for cultural misunderstandings between Americans and Iranians is best embodied in the Iranian concept of taarof. Taarof is “a form of civility” that “encompasses a wide range of social behaviors.” In its Western understanding, taarof could be merely translated as etiquette: refusing that a friend pay his share for a meal at a restaurant; letting him or her enter a room before you; showering a distant acquaintance with unending expressions of courteous greetings when you see them on the street.

But taarof is much more than polite language. It is “the opposite of calling a spade a spade; it often involves some degree of self-abasement, through which the giver of taarof achieves a kind of moral ascendancy–what the anthro¬pologist William Beeman has called getting the lower hand.” It is the very antithesis of the American style of basic interpersonal interaction– an indirect, serpentine, highly ambiguous way of conveying a message, often full of poetic imagery, and yet extremely efficient for those who master it.

Americans say things the way they are. If an American thinks their country is the world superpower and nobody can resist them, not only are they not ashamed to say it, but they are convinced the best way to achieve their goals is to make an open display of their self-confidence. Pragmatism and straightforwardness are the best friends of efficacy in negotiations, Americans believe.

Iranians, on the other hand, perceive and use language in a radically different way. What is implied matters more than what is being actually said or written. You can say all sorts of things–praise or invite someone for dinner, refuse to take a customer’s payment, or promise something you know you can’t deliver–that you don’t mean. It does not make you a liar, because everybody understands the gap between actual words and underlying meaning.

Another particularity of taarof, and probably the most arcane in Western eyes, is self-deprecation. Unlike Americans’ love for one-upmanship, Iranians will consistently belittle themselves in everyday dealings as well as high-level negotiations, instead of underlining their superiority. This faux modesty is more than meets the eye: it is both etiquette (you belittle yourself to flatter your partner) and tactics (it is precisely by belittling yourself that you show your own grandeur).

Taarof, in that sense, is a very special brand of negotiation technique at which Iranian nuclear negotiators have been particularly deft in their dealings with their Western counterparts. On one hand, European and American diplomats who have forayed into negotiating with Iran have repeatedly expressed their exasperation in the face of what they perceive as the Iranians’ misleading statements and false promises.

On the other hand, using the kind of no-nonsense approach cherished by American culture could be highly counterproductive in an Iranian context. Sending a letter like Goldberg’s would have been perceived in Iran as yet another display of American arrogance, and an attempt to bully Iran into bending to American requests.

“Communication” – veteran CIA agent Paul Pillar reminds us – “is a tool of diplomacy.” Since President Obama’s first days in the White House, he has been adept at using public diplomacy tools, either by sending letters to the Iranian leadership, or by courting the Iranian public with YouTube messages for Nowruz, the Persian New Year, while simultaneously elevating America’s public image – an undertaking long overdue after 8 years of disastrous Bush policy in the Middle East. His engagement has been consistent, and not only under the spotlight. Away from the public eye, a year and a half of secret negotiations with the Iranians lead to the unprecedented interim deal of November 2013.

Needless to say, Obama’s latest letter won’t be a game changer in the negotiations. At the end of the day, realpolitik will be about haggling over centrifuges and allowing inspections to make sure Iran’s nuclear program is peaceful, not about a piece of paper.

But maybe this letter wasn’t about realpolitik. Maybe it was just about that: conveying a message (we want this deal, and we thing you should too; we want to crush ISIS, and you’re welcome to join the battle) in a manner that would speak to their Iranians counterparts.

In other words, the letter is playing the game of taarof. It is somewhat flattering to the recipient (we Americans are reaching out to you Iranians), but the recipient knows better than to take it at face value. Rather than bullying the Iranians, it cajoles them, all the while reminding them that the one engaging in taarof is precisely the one with the upper hand. In the poker game of international diplomacy, it is a sign of respect towards the Iranian player, but a subtle reminder that America still holds the cards.

Cynics will contend that this is too sophisticated a move for the Obama administration to have willfully used it in the negotiations. But whether it was intended or not as taarof does not really matter. By displaying a modicum of cultural awareness, the letter spoke to the Iranians in a language they can understand. After all, what is diplomacy, if not exactly that?

Got the itch to redecorate–just not the budget? Rather than begrudgingly waiting for a refresh, you can redesign a room with furnishings you already own. Moving and regrouping furniture and accessories can give you new looks and functionality without spending new money. All it takes is a critical (and creative) eye to shop your home and see what can be repurposed. Just keep these 10 tips in mind as you begin your zero-dollar home makeover.

Switch Rooms
Refresh any room by swapping small tables, rugs, accessories, and art from somewhere else in the house. A print borrowed from the bedroom could update a stale office space, while a bar cart might sub in as a fun nightstand. Keep some furnishings on reserve to switch out seasonally, and you’ll always have something “new” to enjoy.

Style the Bookshelves
Good for more than just research and pleasure reading, books can contribute to (or detract from) a room’s style. Reorganizing your hardcovers by color and size can calm unruly shelves–just remember to break up a crowded unit with baskets or frames so it doesn’t overwhelm your space.

Frame “Found” Art
Who doesn’t have a few extra picture frames lying around? Fill them with note cards, souvenirs, and especially pretty panels of wrapping paper or fabric for instant wall art.

Test Out Open Shelving
Open shelving for the kitchen is very trendy. But before you rip out all of your wall storage, get the look on a trial basis by unhinging some (or all) of your cabinets’ doors. You can line the inside with bright contact paper or use the new visibility to display your most colorful dishes.

Convert a Daybed
Empty nesters, listen up: Still holding on to an old twin bed? Convert it into a daybed (and extra seating!) by placing it against the wall and lining it with extra throw pillows. Just make sure to swap out the teenage bedding for something more mature.

Repurpose a Table
A saw and a plan can transform a small dining table or entryway console into a squatty coffee table–practically a new piece. Be sure to measure out the height you’d like to hit next to the rest of your seating arrangement.

Display Your Kitchen Gear
Hang your cast iron or enamel clad pots and pans up for storage that’s functional and still far more stylish than a blank wall. Colanders, dutch ovens, and serving pieces all work well. Bonus points if your pieces work well together as a collection.

Cull a Gallery Wall
Gather photographs, artwork, or mirrors that might be displaced around the house and group them together to create a gallery wall. In addition to creating a cohesive display for all of your family photos, the wall makes a great focal point for the room.

Make Quick-Stitch Pillow Covers
New throw pillow designs can update a couch and cost nothing when you repurpose old sweaters, sheets, or even tea towels for the task. And rest easy knowing that pillow covers are perfect beginner sewing projects, able to be stitched up by hand if a sewing machine isn’t readily available.

Find Extra Function
Take full advantage of furniture that can do double duty. A narrow console table can work as a desk (or vice versa), and you suddenly have “new furniture” in the house. A short bookcase can make a console table, as well, and a bench can double as a coffee table.

For more from BobVila.com:

Bob Vila’s 10 “Must Do” Projects for November
Before & After: A Builder-Grade Bedroom Goes Cozy
7 Steps to Making Your Garage More Livable
10 Doable Designs for a DIY Rug
8 Nightstands You Don’t Need to Buy