Hasta La Gadget!

I have one child. I get asked constantly if I am having more. I realize that it’s an off-the-cuff comment that people don’t put much thought into. I get it. What they don’t realize is for me, it’s a loaded question.

Yes, I realize my son will be lonely, might hate us later, might think it’s not fair.

Yes, I know people judge us and make assumptions that aren’t true like we are selfish.

Yes, I realize that there is variety of reasons why people only have one child.

Here is mine: My first pregnancy did not go that well.

It started with falling down the stairs the day I found out I was pregnant and breaking my wrist. I ended up having an emergency c-section after 13 hours of labor and had a healthy baby boy. Until he was 36 hours old and a nurse from out of nowhere decided to do a blood test and his bilirubin levels were “off the charts” and he was taken by ambulance to a bigger hospital in their critical care unit.

My husband went with him, I could not even move from my c-section and I was not discharged yet from the hospital. By phone, my husband and I agreed to a blood transfusion called IVIG to combat the bilirubin levels.

We found out that my husband and I have a rare blood type incompatibility that caused this in our son.

My blood attacked his blood at birth.

Due to other complications, we spent 14 days in the hospital. MRIs and cat scans were done. Radiology and Neurology couldn’t agree on the readings, so we were told wait and see. High levels of bilirubin like our son experienced almost always cause brain damage.

I spent the first two years of his life seeing doctors every three months and checking his progress.

We met a very nice specialist in this field that told us almost all pregnancies with this blood type issue end in miscarriage, and our son was one in a million.

We can separately have children, just not with each other. You have to really love your spouse to hear that kind of news.

Our dream of a house full of children quickly diminished and was replaced by overwhelming gratitude.

We are thankful and feel blessed every single day.

We were never going to try for another one. We have a healthy, happy 3-1/3-year-old. We did always wonder ‘what if?’

I got pregnant with an IUD in this year. I had it removed. Everything looked fine for a month.

Between being shocked and unprepared, we told people and even bought paint for the nursery.

We thought we hit the lottery twice.

We beat the odds before.

I went for an ultrasound and left with no picture because they could not find a heartbeat.

I waited for another two weeks before they confirmed that I miscarried.

I waited another 3 ½ weeks before I actually miscarried. I hemorrhaged for six hours and lost so much blood I am still struggling with the effects, such as low iron.

I gained 20 lbs. with nothing to show for it.

I went through all the stages of grief and finally pulled myself out of depression.

I don’t have to wonder ‘what if?’ anymore. I lived through it.

So yes, we are selfish. We can’t risk losing another baby or maybe even me in the process.

I am a mother of one.

He’s my one and only.

My grandpa is one of those people who is very logical about everything, especially when it comes to passwords. He is the person who the tech people love, because he picks a random stream of numbers (there is that app that can randomly generate one for you) with no correlation to himself so no one would be able to hack it, and he also changes it often.

We all know that the random string of numbers and letters formula should be followed when creating a password, and yet, a lot of us opt for something more personal, something that we can remember and that is a part of us–but we construct it in a way that will hopefully not be cracked by someone else.

I personally am horrible when it comes to remembering random numbers–the fact that I know my I.D. number for school is a miracle–so I decided to take the cheesy route and use a variation of my anniversary date with my boyfriend because we got together when we were fifteen and that is of course what you did at the time. I still use it today because we are long distance and it is a way for me to take a part of him with me wherever I go (queue the “awws”).

I saw this article in the New York Times, by Ian Urbina, about keepsake passwords, and the backgrounds for the password choices were so fascinating. People are making stories for their passwords without really thinking about it, and it was really interesting to see how they opened up to Urbina as he got them talking.

The stories that really caught my attention were the motivational ones. I would have never thought to put a goal in a password, but it really makes sense. Passwords are things we have to draw upon and remember in our daily lives, so making one to help you eat healthier or to remind you of a hardship that you overcame and don’t want to go back to is probably one of the most clever things I have ever heard of.

One of my favorites in the New York Times piece was the story of Mauricio Estrella’s motivational passwords and how most of them actually worked. One of these was: “to help quell his anger at his ex-wife soon after their divorce, Estrella had reset his password to “Forgive@h3r.”‘ And as he had to change his passwords, he kept the motivational ideas coming.

So seeing these awesome stories got me thinking about what stories my fellow peers might have behind their passwords. When I went asking around to see what other people chose to lock away their emails and Facebooks with (which was slightly awkward considering I’m asking people to somewhat entrust me with something private), I was immensely impressed by how much thought was put into their passwords.

In addition to making the passwords close to their hearts, a lot of people put considerable thought into what would trick others. I usually tack something extra on the end of mine in hopes that I won’t see some random hacking on my Facebook wall, but so many people took it to the next level.

The three girls that were brave enough to share their passwords with me all had some sort of motivational/proud moment aspect attached to their passwords, as was expressed in the Times piece.

Kalynn shared with me that at her community college, they were required to change their passwords every 90 days. This required some creativity and memory skills on her part, so she would always make them motivational to a goal she wanted to achieve that was related to school. One of hers was “transfer2014” and that’s exactly what she did. She is now attending CSU San Marcos.

She also said that she uses variances of her anniversary with her boyfriend, because that is an easy one to remember. Sentimental and motivational? This girl has got it down.

My Swiss German partner in crime, Sarah, is the definition of a hard worker and a big dreamer. I always see her running around, textbooks in hand and schedule jam packed with events, because she knows she wants to graduate and move on to bigger and better things.

When I asked her about some passwords she uses, she said “Ever since I was 5, I wanted to go to UC Santa Barbara, so my passwords always had something to do with UCSB.”

As we know, opinions change, and she now attends UC Santa Cruz, but keeps the tradition up. She now uses UCSC as the basis for some of her passwords, along with other numbers to make sure no one can hack it.

She also really likes to travel and makes passwords based on the places she wants to go. Some examples she shared were: something with Brazil in it for her music station passwords, bank stuff is locked away by something that contains Zürich, sports she does something with Australia, and social media gets Spain.

I think that is really clever, especially since traveling seems to be on everyone’s agenda, though not many people actually make the effort to get out there and do the traveling bit. I have no doubt in my mind that Sarah will visit each and every place that she sets her mind to.

Holli’s story is of a pride-based password. She’s one of those people who knows what she wants and will go out there and get it, and not let anyone stand in her way. She paid her way through college, got good grades, and graduated with a degree in something she loves and has a passion for.

This was a proud moment for her, so her school’s name earns a place in her password, so she can be reminded of her accomplishment and remind herself to aim higher and dream bigger.

Positive thoughts lead to positive results, and these passwords really let that logic shine through. The next time I need to change a password, I think I’ll definitely go the motivational route.

While all the girls went for the motivational approach, the guys that I interviewed opted for more of a “what makes me, me” take on their passwords. There was a good mixture of childhood memories that got to tag along for the ride and still be used in passwords today, and also current hobbies/quirks that make them who they are.

My boyfriend Ian is a true video game player, and loves the games inside and out. From storylines to the artistic wonders of the game, they are a work of art to him as much as they are something fun to do. He’s the kind of person who will spend three hours discussing the ending to a favorite game with a buddy, just like people love doing with books and movies.

Because video games are a big part of his life, he likes to create passwords based on a few of his favorite characters and games at the time. This makes it easy for him to remember the passwords, as well as integrate a passion that makes him who he is.

When I asked my friend David about his passwords, he said they were the “definition of nerdy.”

“One of my passwords contains the name of my favorite anime character. I thought it would help since most people wouldn’t guess a Japanese name,” he said.

I thought this was very clever since he was able to add a flare of who he is, while also thinking of how to avoid getting hacked.

When Razma told me his password story, I couldn’t help but laugh at how cute it was. He said when he was five he made up an imaginary dog because his mom doesn’t like animals so he couldn’t have a real one.

He uses the dog’s name for his password, so even if the hint “pet’s name” comes up, people will get confused because he has never had a pet. This is a great way to have a childhood memory live on, and trip potential hackers up along the way.

I wanted to see if this streak of “what makes me, me” passwords would continue into different generations, so I asked my dad about his password.

He said he uses his old license plate number from his first car back in Switzerland, where he grew up. He had his own car, but shared the plates with his dad, so they would have to trade off and wait until the other one was home before they could go anywhere. (In Switzerland the plates stay with the person, not with the car).

He uses the password because it has letters and numbers (the techs are smiling), as well as a reminder of his dad, whom he doesn’t get to see very often, and of course the good old days of being 18.

What’s so interesting about these stories is that the Times piece also found many people who use passwords that define themselves in some sort of way. Because in the end, making it about a memorable event or dream or aspiration is the best way to help us remember without making it easy to guess.

Do you have a cool keepsake password that you now have a sudden urge to share with the world?

The New York Times magazine will continue reporting on ”The Secret Life of Passwords.” If you have a keepsake story to share for publication, please email the reporter at urbina@nytimes.com. And obviously, please don’t send him current passwords.

Maybe it’s motivational, maybe it’s about you, maybe it’s an ode to pizza because pizza is the bomb–who knows?

Get your story out there and see who can relate.

By: Francine Fluetsch, UC Santa Cruz

I pride myself on being a relational and socially conscious woman in the workplace. I had no idea that these qualities made me a prime target for emotional abuse from a business colleague.

Looking back now, I can easily see his artfully used tactics so he could always win: rationalization, lying by omission, diversion, shaming, playing the servant role, and so many more. However, at the time it was hard to put my finger on what was going on. I now know that this is because he belongs to a special category of manipulative people Dr. George Simon labels Covert Aggressors: experts at knowing what to say and do in order to make you abandon any intuitive mistrust.

Unfortunately, in today’s business world where we reward with bonuses what Covert Aggressors can accomplish by using people as pawns. Because they are so good at covering their tracks, colleagues and superiors can easily turn a blind eye to the bloodbath they leave in their wake.

I recently had the opportunity to talk with Dr. George Simon, international expert on dealing with Covert Aggressors and author of In Sheep’s Clothing to shed some light on the unique challenges of women dealing with emotional abuse in the workplace.

Why Women Can Be Easily Duped.

It is unfathomable to me that a skilled manipulator would actively seek out a conscientious person, simply because they know how to exploit this vulnerability for their personal gain. As Dr. Simon explains, this is because women tend to have a level of conscientiousness towards social interaction that makes them particularly vulnerable to the Covert Aggressor.

According to Dr. Simon, thinking as someone who is wired to win at all costs, “If I know that the last thing you want to do is offend or appear inconsiderate, I have so many tactics I can use to push that button.”

Even if a woman starts to recognize the manipulation tactics being used against her in the workplace, the Covert Aggressor will often resort to accusing the woman of the malicious intent that they themselves are harboring. Dr. Simon indicated that this “lethal weapon” is particularly effective with even the strongest of women.

Trust Your Intuition and Keep a Level Head When Dealing with an Aggressor.

Dr. Simon points out that most women have good intuitive skills, but we are socialized not to trust our gut instincts. In addition, “Most women don’t want to be seen as being aggressive… so they take a step back and tolerate… they overcompensate so they aren’t perceived as the difficult one.”

He urges women to pay attention when their radar goes off. The earlier you recognize manipulative behavior, the better chance you have of adjusting your response to the situation.

It can be a hard work to keep your cool, but if you respond aggressively to someone who is determined to win, you are giving him the momentum he craves. Dr. Simon confirms that it takes a lot of practice to stay levelheaded, but it is, “powerful when you confront behavior without any perceived malice or hostile intent.”

This violation of our relational nature presents a unique challenge to women, as when we realized are victims of manipulation we experience built-up anger and resentment.

Channeling Your Anger Into Action Towards Self-Preservation.

Women, in particular, have been taught that anger is a bad emotion. However, according to Dr. Simon, anger can be a healthy, mobilizing emotion: “It gives us the energy to right a wrong.”

It is crucial to avoid suppressing our anger, but instead channel this intense energy into taking care of your own interests and resisting the tactics of a manipulator.

Dr. Simon encourages women to give themselves permission to feel angry, “Anger is supposed to propel us into action; embrace it and use it.”

We cannot change the actions of our abusers, so the key to dealing with emotional abuse in the workplace is to use our energy to control our own behavior. By controlling our own behavior, we set new boundaries and seek out an exit strategy if the abuser cannot respect these boundaries.

Finding the Stamina to Redefine the Terms of Engagement.

Although it is a generalization, Dr. Simon acknowledges, women tend to seek external approval more than men. Not only does this quest for external validation make us more susceptible to aggressors, but it also can quickly drain the positive energy that comes from our resolve to set boundaries and makes changes.

In order to preserve the emotional energy it takes to end an abusive dynamic in the workplace, Dr. Simon urges women to, “get in the habit of self-reinforcement, so that, in every step they take [towards setting boundaries], they recognize and give themselves validation.”

We all need reinforcement for new behaviors to stick, and women need to acknowledge themselves for every tiny step along the way to taking back their power.

Although venting to your friends about the situation can feel good at the time, Dr. Simon cautions that this can become enabling, as we get external validation and feel a short relief, so we are not motivated to change anything.

“You need to realize that YOU are your greatest resource to get yourself out of this situation,” encourages Dr. Simon.

If you are caught in the destructive cycle of manipulation and emotional abuse, whether in the workplace or in another relationship, I encourage you to read Dr. Simon’s book, In Sheep’s Clothing. In it, he outlines 18 different manipulation tactics that you need to recognize, as well as over a dozen practical steps to leverage the power in your own behavior. You can also get weekly posts about applied psychology on Dr. Simon’s blog, Dealing with Manipulative People.

Connect with me at Secondhand Therapy for additional tips to take care of your emotional wellbeing, as you take the next brave steps beyond survival mode. If you are interested in attending an upcoming webinar about women and emotional abuse in the workplace, click here to sign up for the wait list.

When I found out I would be taking a trip up to Pennsylvania to shoot a few locations, one of them that immediately popped into my mind was Centralia (not spelled Centrailia, the sign above is misspelled for some reason). For those who don’t know of this place, Centralia is a borough in Columbia County, PA. which in 1962 had a population of around 1,100 and as of now has only 10 residents who refuse to leave. It has been stripped of a zip code, mail does not run, buildings and homes have been demolished and roads now lead off to nowhere. There are no stores, no schools… nothing. It is a ghost town with a few exceptions.

So what happened here exactly?

Centralia is a coal mining town, and back in 1962 a fire broke out in one of the underground mines. It was believed to have started from a landfill, which they were burning, that was not fully extinguished and the fire entered into an unsealed opening which lead to the abandoned coal mine beneath. There have been a few attempts to extinguish it but none even close to successful, there are no current plans to stop it. The fire is estimated to have now spread over 400 acres to date and has enough fuel to continue burning for another 250 or so years in it’s 8 mile mine. It was the direct inspiration for the Silent Hill video game series, and later the movies. This is how it looks now.

In 1979, a gas station owner, and then town Mayor, was checking the fuel levels in one of his underground tanks and noticed the gas was hot at about 172 degrees Fahrenheit – 55 degrees is the ideal temperature for stored fuel. A few years later a 12 year old boy fell into a 147 foot deep sinkhole that just suddenly opened up beneath him. As if that wasn’t enough cause for alarm, a section of highway 61 – which led into Centralia – began to open up and buckle from the heat of the fire, and was then repaired in 1983. These things combined with the fact that the carbon monoxide was beginning to have harmful health effects among the locals, almost all of them decided it was time to get out of there and accepted a buyout from the government. In 1984, the exodus began, mostly to neighboring towns of Ashland and Mount Carmel which are still very much alive and well with everything you’d expect from a normal town. You would never know anything had happened only a few minutes away.

Some time later the highway started to open even more, they then decided it was too expensive and unsafe to repair again. In 1994 that section of highway 61 was permanently closed and blocked off with mounds of dirt, a detour was built around the condemned area and now runs in Centralia as the only highway, all others have been closed and completely bypass the town.

The closed section is still accessible by foot if you’re willing to take a little hike. People now refer to it as “Graffiti Highway” because of all the spray paint left by kids. Around town you can see smoke coming up from cracks in the road, and in one cemetery, it did not come out in the photos but it’s easily seen in the area of the highway which is now closed off because of sinkholes where the ground is unstable, probably not the smartest thing I’ve ever done, but I jumped down in there for some shots from the inside of the massive crack. The smell… the smell coming from inside that thing was repulsive to say the least, any longer and I would’ve vomited. Once I came to my senses and realized I could sink into the earth and be incinerated instantly I got out of there. Someone had left a bunch of spent shotgun shells in the crack, what were they shooting at? Whatever it was, I hope they got it

Walking around here was eerie, very quiet, like when you get up in the middle of the night and everything is turned off and it’s dark, only Centralia has no on switch. It was a very cold day at around 38 degrees Fahrenheit, which to me being a Southern boy is not very ideal, and it was rainy. Then the rain turned to a misty sleet adding a more ominous vibe to the already creepy atmosphere courtesy of the grey sky and smokey white backdrop in the dead leafed, bare treed mountains. The cemeteries were surprisingly well kept, more so than most living cities and there was smoke coming from one of them, as I mentioned before. THAT ladies and gentlemen was wild! The Ukrainian Greek-Catholic church overlooking the borough known as the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary which stood out from all the grey with it’s bright light blue top and large gold Greek Orthodox cross was so out of place here it was beautiful. It looked like someone had used selective coloring on a panoramic photo, how everything was so bland except for that.

The few remaining houses were in very good shape, they were nice, well kept and one even had a swimming pool. Only each one was next to a field of dry, dead grass and bare trees which were planted by the government in place of were the houses used to be on empty lots. It was strange seeing these roads go off to nowhere and stop at a empty field, made me think that the town was being put up instead of taken down. I hear the people are pretty unapproachable so I didn’t bother trying to talk to anyone, but after I left and posted one of my pics I was told about a crazy old lady who drives around in a red pickup truck, who tells people she’s the police and makes them delete their photos. I actually remember seeing a person sitting in a red truck on the side of the road next to a stop sign near the center of town when I was leaving and wondered what they were doing. Crazy. I wonder why she didn’t say anything to me.

After getting back home and deciding I should write something about my experience, I started researching a little bit more and learned that the fire has also extended to the town of Byrnesville, PA. and as of 1996 it has been completely abandoned as well.

All photos were taken with an iPhone 5 using Hipstamatic and further edited in Snapseed. When I processed the photos I added the gloomy look which I saw and felt, hopefully it was effective. Thanks for reading.

Oh, and the little boy who fell in the sink hole – he lived

michaelhillphotography.com

A New York City hotel was excited when the city booked 100 rooms during a notoriously slow season. But when the establishment learned that the guests were homeless people they were less than pleased.

“This is a hotel, not a shelter, and we want to keep it this way,” Pierre Merhej, the general manager of the Radisson Hotel in Jamaica, Queens, told DNAinfo. “We have a business to run and a reputation to keep and we intend on keeping it.”

When the Radisson first got the call, the manager was told that the city was looking to books rooms for a “government group.” Once the reservations were finalized, Merhej found out that the Department of Homeless Services (DHS) would be temporarily sheltering homeless people there until the agency found a more stable solution, according to the news outlet.

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This scramble to find a place to house people comes at a time when New York City’s homelessness rate is soaring.

Last month, the city saw a record high when more than 56,000 individuals were in need of stable housing, WNYC reported.

The skyrocketing issue is reaching the city’s youngest residents.

In the last five years, the number of homeless kids in the public school system jumped 63 percent, according to the Institute for Children, Poverty & Homelessness. Queens alone experienced a 90 percent spike.

The Radisson housed the homeless guests, and said they “didn’t have an impact” on the other people at the hotel. However, the Radisson said it won’t allow DHS to book rooms again even if it were offered more money.

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