Hasta La Gadget!

One of the first harsh realities that every entrepreneur has to learn is that most of the things that are critical to startup success are outside of their direct control. Just because you dream it and build it, doesn’t mean they will come – that encompasses not only customers, but also investors, partners, team members, and even your own family. They won’t come if they don’t trust you.

In my experience, trust is the most powerful tool that an entrepreneur can wield, both inside and outside of his own realm of control. I’ve seen many examples of this in my own business life, and yet I gained a whole new perspective on how it works from a recent book by successful entrepreneur August Turak, titled “Business Secrets of the Trappist Monks.”

Turak first visited the monks for spiritual guidance, but realized as he talked to them about their business, that many of their secrets crossed over all boundaries. I was particularly struck by the lessons he gleaned on how to get and maintain trust. The best entrepreneurs I know seem to have learned every one of these, so start on these now if you want to survive among the best:

1. Become trustworthy before you start a business. We are hard wired to seek out trustworthy people, and to test others to see who we can trust. But the first step is to be become trustworthy ourselves. Like attracts like, and if you invest early in becoming a person others can trust, business people who you can trust will be attracted to you.
2. Keep your promises to yourself and others. The surest mark of a trustworthy person is one who keeps promises to others and to oneself, no matter how small or seemingly trivial these may be. Keeping promises to yourself is closely correlated with will power and self-control, and these virtues are essential to being business trustworthy.
3. Under commit and over deliver. Make sure that you only make business commitments that you know you can keep. Many entrepreneurs over-commit because they are desperate to have business constituents like and respect them, yet the quickest way to lose respect is to fail to keep commitments.
4. Be willing to make commitments. One of the stratagems of notoriously unreliable people is refusing to make promises in the first place, thinking that making no commitments relieves them of any worry about breaking them. People see through this strategy quickly, and will tag you not reliable and indecisive, as well as not trustworthy.
5. Protect your personal brand. As a new startup, you the entrepreneur are the brand. Get in the habit of asking yourself, “How will this decision affect my personal brand?” Everything you do or don’t do affects your brand, and in the long run your trustworthiness is your most valuable asset.
6. Avoid fuzzy commitments. Nothing undermines trust faster than ambiguity or soft commitments, through phrases like “I’ll try” or “I’ll do my best.” These are heard as attempts to stay off the hook, and furnish plausible deniability for anticipated failure. Don’t be afraid to write down what you expect, and what you are willing to commit to.
7. Formalize business promise keeping. This simply means making it standard practice in your new startup of building a paper trail of contracts (no verbal contracts) between partners and vendors, customer transactions, and internal processes with team performance metrics.
8. Never make people ask. If you make people hound you about a commitment, you have already lost half of your credibility. Nothing builds trust better than anticipating your obligations and delivering on them without being asked. A debt repaid before it is asked for reaps a huge dividend in trust.
9. Communicate, communicate, communicate. No one can anticipate all risks and keep all their promises, but there is no excuse for a failure to communicate when contingencies arise, so there are no surprises. Lack of communication leads others to assume that you had no intention of keeping your promise, and were hoping no one would notice.
10. Aim past the target. It is impossible to be trustworthy in business if you are unreliable in the other aspects of your life. The monks teach that trust is not a business strategy or tactic; it is the natural by-product of living for a higher purpose. If you have no higher purpose as an entrepreneur than to make money, you will most likely fail in your efforts.

In business, as in your personal life, an entrepreneur must offer his own trust before reasonably hoping to have it reciprocated. Don’t try to “game the system,” and don’t expect blind faith to save you. The power of real trust is that if your constituents trust that you can change the world, you probably will. Isn’t that why you signed up for this lifestyle in the first place?

As if Christmas shopping needed to get more stressful, finding just the right gift for your girlfriend is kind of an imperative. That doesn’t mean you need to go crazy, but it definitely requires some thought. If you aren’t sure how to approach the situation (maybe the relationship is still young or maybe you don’t feel like you have a knack for buying her gifts –it’s ok, we’ve been there too!), the key is to not back yourself into a corner with a gift that’s too presumptuous of her. Likewise, finding the right something isn’t about spending as much money as you can reasonably afford — it’s about picking what’s most likely to resonate with her, her interests and her style.

We’ve put together the following guide to help you discover what’s out there — you might actually be surprised at all your options. Whether you’ve been together for a while, or haven’t but see yourself together for a while longer, here are the best Christmas gifts for girlfriends.

Stuhrling Watch

23K gold plating and a genuine leather double-wrap strap — in red — make this a stand out watch from Stuhrling. Not to mention that it’s 76% off the original price.

Philosophy Moisturizer

For a nourishing skin treat, Philosophy’s anti-oxidizing properties and gentle exfoliants will leave her skin feeling strong and supple. Also, not a bad last-minute gift.

Butter London Nail Polish

For a gift that’s casual but fun, this “British Spice” themed nail polish set will do the trick. It’s also small enough to be used as a stocking stuffer, should the need be.

Honeycomb Earrings

With their delicate detailing and golden colouring, these honeycomb earrings are a simple accessory that will look good on any girl. Plus they remind us of the warmer summer days ahead.

Bobbi Brown Cream Shadow

If she likes makeup, even just a little bit, she’ll be into this creamy bronze shadow, which can be applied to her lookers, cheekbones or wherever she feels needs a little sparkle.

Malin+Goetz Starter Kit

For the traveller, this Malin+Goetz starter kit is a perfect addition to her overnight bag. It comes with four skin products (including cleanser and moisturizer) and hair care.

MeUndies

You don’t have to spend a lot to give someone the gift of luxury underpants. Made from modal (spun from beech tree pulp!) and designed for maximum comfort, MeUndies are so soft you might want to get yourself a pair too.

Anne Klein Watch

A watch is a gift appropriate for all kinds of recipients — including girlfriends, of course. We like this one for its unique dial and bling-like link bracelet.

Kate Spade Pebble Grain Clutch

An item that looks as good as it is useful. This leather pocket from Saturday is just large enough to fit all the essentials for a night out, yet small enough to fit into a larger bag if needed.

Aveda Botanical Kinetics

Winter can be hard on skin, but the truth is that a pampering bundle from Aveda needs no excuse. The coconut and jojoba cleanser will leave her skin soft while the camomile and lavender moisturizer will leave her smelling over-the-moon good.

Are you a girl reading this, trying to figure out what you actually want to ask for this year? We’ve all been there! It’s hard enough to know what you want, let alone what everyone else wants. Unfortunately, this list is of no use when trying to figure out what to get the special men in your life — it can be overwhelming to know what to get for dads, friends and significant others, but you’ll totally get inspired by this list of Christmas gifts for guys.

For other gift ideas, check out:
– Gifts For Boyfriends
– Unique Christmas Gifts
– Stocking Stuffers For Kids
– Gifts For Parents

Lately I’ve been thinking about One Direction a lot more than usual, which used to be almost never. Don’t ring the alarm. No impure thoughts have been creeping into my head, nor has the boy band’s music been stuck there. I still couldn’t sing an entire line from any of their songs if my middle-aged life depended on it.

What I’ve been dwelling on mentally has been what the boy band’s main heartthrob said — or, technically, didn’t say — a couple of weeks ago. Pop’s rumor mill has been churning out speculation that Harry Styles might be bisexual, or perhaps even gay, for a while now. So far, the 20-year-old has resisted firmly confirming or denying those rumors (“I’m pretty sure I’m not [bisexual]” kind of swings both ways), but lately he’s been putting a bolder spin on his ambiguity. I wouldn’t be surprised if some night soon he turns up onstage draped in a rainbow flag.

During a recent interview, Styles and bandmate Liam Payne were asked what they look for in a potential partner. “Female; that’s an important trait,” Payne replied.

“Not that important,” Styles interjected.

What does Styles look for, then? “Someone who’s nice,” he said. “You’re not gonna go out with a dickhead, are you?” Dickhead? Um, was he referring to a girl or a guy?

Several months earlier, Styles had already underscored his sexual ambiguity (or fluidity?) and sealed it with a kiss — right on British game-show host James Corden’s mouth.

So is he or isn’t he? He’s still very young, so it’s quite possible that he doesn’t know for sure. My last boyfriend was still dating girls at that age, one year before we met. No matter which direction Styles ends up swinging in, though, he would be in a position of great potential influence if he were to publicly embrace it.

In the gay community we often talk about how we need to have more high-profile celebrities come out of the closet — not just B- and C-listers or stars everyone already knows are gay. How great would it be for an A-lister with everything to lose, a bona fide heartthrob or sex symbol, to come out as gay or bisexual? Better yet, one of Taylor Swift’s exes! Think of all the future hit singles she could milk it for. Maybe she’d even come up with something as brilliant as “Un garçon pas comme les autres (Ziggy),” a Céline Dion classic about a woman hooked on a gay man.

More importantly, think of all the young gays, lesbians, and bisexuals who are struggling with their sexuality. The more out gay, lesbian and bisexual role models those youth have, the better.

But let’s not underestimate the power of straight role models. There are plenty who have vocally shown their support for gays, lesbians and bisexuals, and I applaud them all. Straight (as far as I know) Irish musician Hozier has recently gone Top 10 on Billboard‘s Hot 100 with “Take Me to Church,” a hit with a video based around a gay love story that ends in a brutal bashing. (Just a year or so after listening to Macklemore, Ryan Lewis and Mary Lambert’s “Same Love” in heavy rotation pretty much everywhere, I’m ready for a straight artist to explore the side of being gay that doesn’t involve politics or hate crimes. There is one, you know.)

As admirable as such outpourings of support might be, it’s not such a stretch or a courageous move anymore for a confirmed straight celebrity to be up with gays (like, say, Adam Levine, Chris Evans or Colin Farrell, all of whom have publicly supported their gay brothers). I mean, if Eminem can go from waxing homophobic in his raps to coming out in support of gay marriage, if the president of the U.S. can publicly support it, can anyone else surprise us by doing the same at this point?

Styles, though, is in a unique position. Not only is he saying that it’s OK to be gay or bisexual by not insisting emphatically that he isn’t, but by playing with pronouns and refusing to definitively address the matter, he’s also saying that it’s OK if people think he’s gay or bisexual. A firm denial would be the standard straight approach, but Styles seems to be saying, “Maybe I am, and if so, who cares?”

That would be pretty fly for a straight guy. Yes, the history of pop is filled with stars who have played with their sexuality, from David Bowie and Mick Jagger to Robbie Williams, who sent up Brokeback Mountain with his Take That bandmate Gary Barlow several years ago in the video for their duet “Shame.” But camp edginess was/is part of their public personas. In a sense, one could say they embraced a certain pansexuality for the sake of their act.

But a boy bander is a completely different musical beast. Although they’ve come out before, it’s usually been a background member (Lance Bass of ‘N Sync, the late Stephen Gately of Boyzone) or someone who came out when their act’s heyday was safely in the rearview mirror (see Savage Garden’s Darren Hayes, an engaging romantic who once spent an entire dinner with me raving about how his then-wife was his soul mate). Imagine if Justin Timberlake had come out of the closet or even toyed with the idea that he might be gay at the peak of ‘N Sync mania.

That’s precisely what Harry Styles is doing, and I’d say it’s far bolder than anything One Direction has ever done musically. Yes, it could easily be a PR stunt. (The group released its fourth album, Four, on Tuesday.) Yes, it’s gotten him tons of coverage, but doesn’t that happen anyway? He doesn’t need to be coy about his sexuality to get attention, so it’s hard to buy that as an ulterior motive.

If it turns out that Styles is bisexual or gay, I’ll actually be a little disappointed. Though I wouldn’t lump him in the same category as celebrities who outright lie about their sexuality, I don’t see how the gay, lesbian and bisexual community benefits from a gay or bisexual celebrity teasing fans when a confirmation would do so much more. Not that it’s the obligation of any celebrity to base their actions on whether it benefits our community, but it’s always nice when they embrace even a little responsibility.

If Styles ends up being straight, though, the implications would be practically revolutionary. At his age, following the “bro” code typically means acting as straight and narrow as possible. Justin Bieber, who is exactly one month younger than Styles, might be the perfect counterpoint. Every move he makes seems to be a conscious or subconscious bid to appear as heterosexual as possible, an aspiration many gay men can relate to. For years, we’ve extolled the virtues of “straight acting.” Even those of us who would correct someone who thought we were straight would likely be secretly pleased with being able to pass.

On the flip side, how many straight guys are comfortable with being mistaken for gay or bisexual? Rules of Engagement once ran an entire episode in which a straight character was ridiculed for acting “gay.” Other TV sitcoms have been using the same punchline for years (see the Crane brothers on Frasier, Joey and Chandler on Friends, etc.). I believe it’s a reflection of how many straight men, even those who fully support gay people, think. Just because they’d stand up for us doesn’t mean they want to be counted among us, which is fair enough.

So kudos to Styles for coloring outside the box, even while clinging to it musically — especially if he was genuinely turned on by Swift while they were dating. She can write as many anti-Harry song as she wants to, but I won’t be singing along.

I probably won’t ever sing along to a One Direction hit either, but Styles has my genuine respect. He may still look like a boy, but he might actually be a bigger man than any of us imagined.

Parents, do you know what we all have in common? We experience insecurity. All of us deal with a sense of not feeling good enough at some point, and it’s usually due to comparing ourselves to other moms and dads.

Susie’s daughter eats more spinach than Popeye, but in your world, you’d be lucky to get your kid to take a nibble from the lettuce on a fast food cheeseburger. Paul’s 3-year-old son can spell “glue,” while all your 4-year-old wants to do is eat it. That kind of stuff is known to drive many moms insane. But what about dads? Sure, we can be insecure about parenting, but does it bother us as much?

Yes and no.

Let’s start by saying the narrative about fathers not giving a damn isn’t accurate. Well, it’s not entirely accurate. No, I’m not talking about the deadbeats and lazy dads out there — we know they don’t care about anyone but themselves. I’m talking about the ones who take fatherhood seriously, because oftentimes we don’t give a damn about many things when it comes to parenting. For example, do I care when people stop me while I’m out with my kids to offer unsolicited parenting advice? Not really. I don’t catch emotions over it. Instead, it’s akin to a gnat buzzing around my ears.

“Actually, ma’am — I don’t think I’m spoiling my baby by wearing her in the Ergo, but thanks for your concern.”

“Back up. It’s 70 degrees outside. I don’t think my kid needs a jacket.”

“No, I don’t need your help to put my daughter’s hair into a ponytail. I got this.”

Social media changed the game entirely. It’s like virtual high schools are popping up all over the Internet due to the amount of mean girls/boys, rumors, and backbiting when it comes to parenting.

“She still breastfeeds her toddler? That’s just gross.”

“That guy has no clue what he’s doing as a dad.”

“They only feed their kids organic stuff. They must think they’re better than us.”

The beat goes on.

So, no — I don’t give a crap about what strangers or well-meaning loved ones think of my daddying style. Why? Because fatherhood isn’t a competitive sport to me. There’s no trophy given to the parent who gets his kid to eat the most steamed kale in a given week. Nobody is going to offer a dad the opportunity to be the keynote speaker at a parenting conference because he can create the most adorable braids for his daughter. Ain’t nobody got time to be caught up in the Parent Olympics. It’s completely meaningless.

Someone once told me that the main thing is to ensure the main thing always remains the main thing. Are my kids happy? Are they healthy? Are they safe? Are they kind? That’s what matters to me. If my kids can check those boxes, I’m good, because they can figure out the rest as they go on through life.

That said, if my kids are experiencing challenges in one or more of those areas, then I absolutely will give a damn. And that’s because I give a damn about my children (as most dads do). It never becomes a competition with Joe or Jane EveryParent. Instead, it becomes a challenge to continue to be best dad I can be without being consumed by my own parenting insecurities or factors outside of my control.

But then the magic happens. When I check on my kids while they’re sleeping or witness them happily playing together — I notice how perfectly adorable and peaceful they are. I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about people talking smack online, or friends with children “more advanced” than mine. All of the second-guessing and worrying seems to be replaced by an overwhelming feeling of, “Damn, I’m doing a pretty good job with these tiny humans.” We’re doing our kids a disservice by listening to our haters and naysayers. I mean, how can we actually enjoy our children if we’re too concerned about what others are doing and saying about us? It’s just noise, man.

If our kids are smiling, we should be smiling too. And if they’re not smiling, we need to do something to make them smile. Before we know it, they’ll be all grown up, starting families of their own, and we’ll wish we could go back in time to enjoy everything about their childhood.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to watch Frozen with my daughters while we crush some chicken tenders. I hope you’re OK with that. If not, just channel your inner Elsa and let it go.

I know I will.

Sexual harassment, bro-culture and college are on my mind.

It’s probably not surprising that sexual harassment — and just misogyny in general — are on my mind. Turn on the computer and there’s the Bill Cosby story and now the Uber story. About a month ago, it was Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella telling women that their pay gap issues were just a case of bad karma. Then there was Anita Sarkeesian getting mass shooting threats for talking about gender and video games in Utah. I know there’s more, but it’s late and I’m tired.

And college is on my mind because I’m the mother of two boys who are a junior and senior in high school. For the last few months, my husband and I have been helping our oldest prepare for SATs, fill out applications, collect recommendations, and set up interviews. So the realities of higher education, from the costs of tuition, room and board, books, and travel, to testing and application fees, not to mention the enormous amount of time we will dedicate to helping our son continue to navigate the higher education labyrinth, are never far from my thoughts.

Meanwhile, there are other college thoughts. The increasingly prevalent hook-up and rape cultures at college campuses, the tragedy at UC Santa Barbara (now becoming an-almost-distant memory), and the most recent story of University of Virginia assaults, are alarming examples of the intersection between life at colleges and universities, our society’s views of both men and women, and how the genders relate to each other.

In her article about Uber two days ago, editor-in-chief of Silicon Valley’s PandoDaily Sarah Lacy said, “… I’ve seen an ever-worsening frat culture where sexist jokes and a blind eye here-or-there have developed into a company where the worst kind of smearing and objectification of women is A-ok.”

Frat culture.

I don’t believe it’s a coincidence that the behavior of certain males in the tech world, the bro-culture, is often compared to that of frat boys. It’s time we seriously consider how colleges and universities are impacting behavior in our society-at-large. As parents, we need to start asking why we are so diligently supporting an education status quo that not only cannot keep our children safe, but is perhaps contributing to a world that does not correspond with our values. And I’m not just talking about the sexual harassment and assault.

Though that’s certainly bad enough, I believe those issues are connected to something deeper. As the mother of two high school aged sons, I constantly question the value of our family’s potential tuition investment. However, if I had daughters and knew that the rate of return on that high-priced education would pencil out to as little as 70 percent of their male counterparts’, my faith in this rite of passage would decrease even more. If I had daughters, I’d know that no matter how successful they were academically, that education would likely not translate to the same level of success that it would if they were men. And even if they reached the same professional level as men with the same degrees, their salaries would not equal male workers in the same jobs, Satya Nadella’s sage advice notwithstanding.

And colleges do it, too. Although women are outpacing men in college enrollment and graduation rates for every degree, and they make up over 40 percent of full-time faculty at higher education institutions, only 28 percent of full professors were female in 2009. That same year, 35 percent of female faculty members were in full-time tenured positions, compared to 48.6 percent of male faculty members. And in 2006, including all types of college institutions, 23 percent of college presidents were women.

Colleges discriminate against women on all levels — in violation of existing laws. According to Title IX, the Patsy T. Mink Equal Opportunity in Education Act, “No person in the United States shall on the basis of sex, be excluded from participation in, be denied the benefits of, or be subject to discrimination under any educational program or activity receiving federal financial assistance.”

While most people are aware that Title IX prohibits discrimination in sports in schools, and many have become aware that it also prohibits sexual harassment and assault on our college campuses, Title IX also covers discrepancies in faculty pay and promotion, family-related protections for college students and employees, and a myriad of other situations where women are often denied equal rights in a federally-funded educational setting.

Title IX turned 42 this year, and Patsy Mink, one of its authors, who was born ten minutes from where I’m sitting right now, will be honored with the Presidential Medal of Freedom posthumously on Monday. It is because of Title IX that college enrollment and graduation rates are so high and that so many more girls and women participate in sports than they did forty years ago. Yet the full promise of the law has not been met. And this is important.

And not just because womens’ legal rights are being violated on campuses every day.

It is important because when women’s rights are violated at our colleges and universities, the administrators at those institutions send a clear message about how important those rights are. If enforcement and implementation of Title IX regulations were a priority on college campuses, female students and faculty would have access to vital supports that would support their long-term success in innumerable ways. Perhaps more importantly, by intentionally addressing pervasive gender biases, colleges and universities would contribute to shifting what is now often clearly a very hostile environment for women.

Our colleges cannot be held responsible for all of our social and cultural ills, including a consumer culture that relies on sexualized and exploitive marketing, entrenched economic inequities, and biases that affect both men and women. However, I’m beginning to wonder if campuses are a reflection of harsh realities in the larger culture, or are in fact one of the places where serious social problems begin.

Certainly, the only place where someone can be an actual frat boy is on a college campus.

Higher education administrators need to recognize and acknowledge that institutionalized gender discrimination — combined with a sense of privilege and entitlement for men — cannot be separated from the sexual harassment and misogyny that women experience both on campus and after graduation.

Considering the amount of money that American families invest in education, perhaps it’s time we use our market influence to demand an educational environment that prepares our sons and daughters to create a saner, healthier, more equitable world rather than the superficial, self-indulgent, destructive bro-culture it seems to be preparing them to live in now.