Dated Dresses, Sloppy Silhouettes And More Awful Looks That Made Our Worst Dressed List

This week, following Thanksgiving, Black Friday and Cyber Monday, we were especially tired — and it seems as though Hollywood felt the same way.

Many stars looked like they didn’t have enough energy to put time and effort into their outfits, and the results left us with a pretty bad worst-dressed list.

Rihanna failed at menswear, Olivia Palermo picked an unflattering skirt and Adriana Lima looked like she belonged in another decade.

Check out our least favorite looks of the week and let us know if you agree with our picks.

Kate Hudson

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If you can make it past the severe top knot, the rest of Hudson’s outfit isn’t much better. The pants are pooling at the ground — we wish she had visited a tailor prior to her red carpet appearance — and the oversized frill on her jumpsuit is competing with her asymmetrical straps. Sometimes less really is more.

Rihanna

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While we love a woman in menswear, we wish Riri had thrown on a pair of pants with this oversized tuxedo jacket. And we also wish she had opted for a slightly less boxy blazer, this one is overwhelming her small frame.

Olivia Palermo

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It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what went wrong here, but we’re going to give it a shot. The color combination is not our favorite (black against that lemon hue is a little harsh), the skirt is an awkward silhouette (especially with those pockets creating extra volume near the hips), and lastly, she should have opted for a metallic or nude shoe to lighten up the entire look.

Adriana Lima

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Cut-outs and metallics and feathers, oh my. We’re not sure where to start. So we won’t.

Uma Thurman

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If we hacked off that hemline and made her dress shorter, this would have been a much more successful ensemble. Right now it’s just a lot of black fabric with dated, flared cuffs.

Vegetarian Slow Cooker Recipes That Prove This Mighty Machine Isn't Just For Meat

Slow cookers have the reputation of being meat machines. While they have the unique ability to tenderize meat with minimal effort, the assumption that slow cookers are best for meaty dishes overlooks the amazing ways they can transform your vegetables.

First of all, it recently came to our attention that you can steam food in your slow cooker, so beyond steaming vegetables, you can also steam things like vegetarian dumplings and buns. And just like slow-cooking meat, slow-cooking vegetables will draw out flavors and turn your dishes incomparably moist. The slow cooker is a great way to imbue extra flavor in your vegetarian soups and stews, but the possibilities don’t stop there. You can make everything from caramel to spinach and artichoke dip with the thing. It’s sort of a miracle-maker.

Winter is the perfect time to experiment with slow cooking. There’s nothing more satisfying than returning home from a long day of work, coming inside from a day out in the cold or waking up when it’s still dark out, to find a hot, fully cooked meal waiting for you in the pot. Just take one look at the first recipe on our list and you’ll see what we mean. There are a million vegetarian meals you can make in your slow cooker, and we narrowed it down to 33 to get you started.

Follow HuffPost’s board The Best In Comfort Food on Pinterest.

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How To Build A Better Charcuterie Plate And Make Holiday Parties Easier

Holiday party season’s just getting into full swing, which means it’s time to equip yourself with a few seasonal staples and to take some basic measures to ready yourself for your nights out. If you’re prepared, it’ll be easier to relax and fully enjoy all those holiday parties, instead of scrambling at the last minute or feeling caught off guard. Make friends with your cheesemonger to get some standbys to bring or serve, perfect a cookie recipe to bake in a pinch, pick out an agreeable, affordable wine to give as gifts or help you get through the inevitable stress, and a pro-tip from HuffPost Taste? Brush up on your charcuterie knowledge so that you can put together a holiday party stunner.

Whether you’re hosting or attending, your parties are bound to have the obligatory items: the punch bowl, the cheese plate and the Christmas cookies. If you’re lucky, or making the right decision, there will also be a charcuterie plate. Nothing says “celebration” more than a fancy plate of meat — at least according to us here at HuffPost Taste. Thin slices of prosciutto and salami, with some pâté and rillettes thrown in for good measure, are enough to motivate us off our couch and out into the cold to make it to our not-so-close-friend’s Christmas party.

If you’re looking to coax your crew to your party, building an awesome charcuterie plate is impressive as it is easy. We spoke to some butchers and charcuterie experts to learn what new items and techniques we could bring to the table this year. Here are 11 ideas to help you build a better charcuterie plate. We’re so inspired we’re already envisioning next season’s charcuterie occasions. Once the holiday fervor has passed, we fully expect these ideas to accompany us through spring and into summer picnics, because it’s always a good time for charcuterie.

Want to read more from HuffPost Taste? Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest and Tumblr.

5 Things Successful People Do To End Their Days Right

Business may be 24-7 and your tech may never get tired, but human beings are cyclical animals. Our creativity and energy levels wax and wane throughout the day, week and year. When it comes to productivity, you can take a couple of approaches to this reality.

Some would-be superheroes simply try to power through the low points through sheer force of willpower and caffeine. In the medium- and long-term, that’s an almost certain recipe for burnout. What’s the other approach? Working with your body’s natural rhythms to get the most out of the times when your energy is flagging-the last hour or so of your workday, for example.

So how do those who are most successful at surfing their moods for maximum productivity handle this generally low-energy low-focus period and set themselves up to achieve the maximum the next day? Experts offer surprisingly consistent advice.

1. Consciously decide when you’ll switch off.

Thanks to technology and the general craziness of being a business owner, it’s easy to simply let your workday drift on and on as you tackle just one more task or quickly respond to one more message. All of a sudden, it’s late, your family is annoyed, and your brain is fried. Successful people know that rest is essential for peak productivityand make a conscious choice about when to end the workday and how in touch to be after they leave the office.

“It’s important to be present for your family and friends,” organizational psychologist Michael Woodward told Forbes. His recommendation? Explicitly tell your colleagues when you’ll be available and how you can (and cannot) be reached–and then stick to it! But that’s not the only approach. “Personally, I end my day in steps. I stop writing before lunch. I stop answering work emails and doing administrative tasks after 6 p.m. I stop all Internet activity at 8 p.m. And I stop reading when I get sleepy,” sociology professor Tanya Golash-Boza has written, explaining her personal shut-down schedule.

My Inc.com colleague Peter Economy even suggests setting a workday limit for the next day the night before. In different periods, different end times and levels of connectivity will be right for you. Just choose thoughtfully. Don’t drift.

More from Inc.:
9 Intense Film Scores to Boost Your Productivity
7 Things Warren Buffett Can Teach You About Leadership
Airbnb Is Inc.’s 2014 Company of the Year

2. Tidy up.

“Studies show that a cluttered workspace actually hinders our ability to process information and concentrate. We aren’t aware of it, but clutter competes for our attention in much the same way as a whining child or a barking dog does,” reports Brittany Lite on blog Wise Bread. Successful people intuitively know this and keep the clutter from building up.

“No one likes to start their workday entering a chaotic scene, so taking a few minutes to organize your space ensures you’ll be starting your day with a clean slate. Literally,” Michael Kerr, author of You Can’t Be Serious! Putting Humor to Work, told Business Insider.

3. Don’t make any big decisions.

“Successful people never tackle a project or make an important decision that requires a lot of brainpower or focus at the very end of the workday,” Kerr adds. “Leave important writing or thinking tasks for the following morning, when your brain is at its peak energy, and instead use this time to focus on clearing off simpler tasks, planning, and reflecting.”

4. Close conversations.

The same basic rules of politeness you’d use in your personal life apply to your professional life–despite your busyness and stress. If someone is expecting to hear from you today, make sure you at least check in with that person before you go (even if it’s just to say you’ll reply tomorrow). “Don’t assume they can wait,” Lynn Taylor, author of author of Tame Your Terrible Office Tyrant: How to Manage Childish Boss Behavior and Thrive in Your Job, scolds those who rush out the door without replying.

If no one is waiting for a specific reply from you, that doesn’t mean you can slink off, however. “We forget that it can be just as important, and make us feel good as well, to say a friendly and proper good bye to everyone rather than just silently drift off into the night. This is triply important if you are the supervisor,” Kerr advises.

5. Review your to-do list (to celebrate and focus, not stress).

Almost every expert you can consult online agrees about at least one aspect of the ideal end-of-day routine–it involves spending a little bit of time reviewing your to-do list and calendar and thinking about what needs doing the next day to avoid wasting time strategizing in the morning. “Make your to-do list for the next day. This will make sure that you start the next day with a plan and goals in mind-which means you’ll spend less time thinking about everything you have to do and more time actually doing it,” suggests Andrea Ayres on the Crew blog, for example.

But Ayres and other true productivity ninjas advocate an essential twist on this process. Rather than just use the to-do review to set yourself up for the coming day, they mainly use this time to celebrate their accomplishments and reflect on their priorities–not to stress about as-yet-undone items. “What good is working if you never take pride in those accomplishments that you put so much time and effort in?” Ayres asks. “Look at what you accomplished that day and feel good about it.”

VC Marc Andreessen is another proponent of making space to celebrate all your wins, big and small. He recommends you take time each day to compose and review a ‘done list’ to keep your motivation up and your work focused.

What’s your end-of-day ritual?

I'm Over 50 And Adopted Two Children And So Can You

More people are adopting in later life than ever, says High50‘s Kim Willis. Age is no barrier, nor is being single or not owning your home. Christina adopted when she was 50 and says it’s been the making of her family.

Adopting in your 50s is a lot more common than people think and the process doesn’t have to be drawn out.

Celebrities are among the growing number of our generation who are choosing to adopt. Diane Keaton adopted her daughter Dexter in 1996, and son Duke in 2001, as a single mum in her 50s. Sharon Stone was two years shy of her 50th when she adopted her third child, Quinn. Stone’s decision to adopt reportedly came after several devastating miscarriages. Singer Sheryl Crow was nearing 50 when she adopted her second son, Levi, now four.

Anyone concerned about their age being a barrier to adoption may be reassured by the advice of adoptive parent Christina, 54, from Glasgow, who attests that you are never too old to adopt or love a child.

She was already a birth mother to Gary, 30, Gail, 28, Summer, 17, and Shannon, 16, and is now a proud adoptive mum to two more children, the latest of whom she adopted when she was 50.

“I never worried about my age. Even if I was 100 I’d have moved mountains to adopt my kids,” Christina says.

Adopting Later In Life

According to the Department for Education, adopting in your 50s should be as swift a process as adopting in your 30s as there is no upper age limit for adoption in the UK, just as there isn’t in the USA. Adopters have to be over 21, but the most important thing adoption agencies are looking for are parents who have the potential to provide care and support to their child.

Adopters have to be over 21, but the most important thing adoption agencies are looking for are parents who have the potential to provide care and support to their child. (Even so, various adoption agencies may have their own individual rules.)

There seems to be a lot of misunderstanding when it comes to what’s involved in the adoption process. Single? That’s OK. Low income? Renter? Already a parent? All these supposed barriers are broken down by the British Association for Adoption and Fostering (BAAF) or in the USA (American Adoptions).

For Christina, adopting Harry, now 10, and Mikey, now four, has been the making of her family. “There is a feeling you get as a mother the moment your new born baby is placed in your arms. It’s an overwhelming sense of love and commitment and I’d been lucky enough to feel it four times, at the birth of each of my children,” she says.

“It was a feeling I never expected to feel again. I didn’t think anyone could love a child who wasn’t their own. I knew I could care for other children, which is why I decided to start fostering, but I never thought I’d love any children like my four. How wrong I was.”

Fostering Later In Life

Rewind to 2003 and Christina was a single mum with all four kids living at home. A friend started fostering and it sparked Christina’s interest.

“So many children didn’t have it as easy as mine and I wanted to help them,” Christina says. “I warned my children that no matter how attached we might get to the foster kids, they’d always leave in the end.”

Christina’s children urged her to proceed, knowing she’d make a great foster parent. So Christina started the process.

“It took a year. I had to go to group meetings with more experienced foster parents. There were background checks and a social worker visited our home weekly for months.”

In June 2004, Christina became a foster parent. “I’d fostered three children that summer. Saying goodbye was hard, but I knew they were being adopted into good homes or going back to the homes they belonged in.”

And then Harry, now 10, arrived, in October that year.

“He arrived wearing a little woolly hat; a tiny, vulnerable little thing. All I knew was that he’d been hurt and taken away from his family. I lifted him up to put him on my shoulder and he threw up all over me. And in that instant, I knew I’d be keeping him forever.

“I felt the same gush of love and desire to protect him for the rest of his life, that I had with my own kids. It was like I’d just been handed my fifth baby.”

Christina asked her children how they felt about Harry becoming a permanent member of the family and they were all instantly on board. However, that was just the beginning of what seemed an interminable wait for their ambition to be realized.

The Adoption Process Took Four Years

“It was just a case of bad luck. Social workers kept leaving, the case got passed from pillar to post,” Christina says.

“Harry is funny, cheeky and happy. He has a shock of bright red hair and a temper to match. He’ll always have learning difficulties as a result of the injuries. He can go from happy to screaming like a banshee in seconds. But he’s adorably loving.”

When it comes to questioning his past, Christina is open with her son. “I tell him he came to me because he was hurt as a baby. And that I adopted him because I fell in love with him. But he hasn’t asked about it in years. He knows we can talk about it again whenever he needs to. There are no secrets here.

“But he is so loved, by me and his older brothers and sisters, that I don’t think he feels the need to delve any deeper for now.”

Are You Too Old To Adopt?

As for the other foster kids that have come and gone from Christina’s home over the year, Harry has fallen in love with every single one of them. “‘Can’t we adopt them all?’ he asks me. But I always knew Harry was a one-off. Or so I thought.”

In May 2010, Christina was called by social services and asked if she could foster a baby a few months later, when he was born. “When he arrived a month later, he was diagnosed with Down’s Syndrome and they weren’t sure if I’d still want to foster him.”

Christina marched down to the hospital to collect the baby boy. “As I walked into his ward, an old familiar feeling swept over me. I knew before I’d even seen Mikey that I’d be adopting him too.”

“All the other incubators and cribs had balloons and soft toys all around them. Mikey’s had nothing. He didn’t even have his own clothes. The hospital had put him in trousers far too big for him and rolled the legs up several times.

“I had been hit by a thunderbolt. But this time, I tried to fight it for a while. I couldn’t adopt another child, I thought our family worked as it was.”

Shannon and Summer had other ideas. As soon as they saw Mikey they reiterated what was happening in Christina’s heart. “We have to keep him!” they said. And Harry said the same thing.

“The children had one sentiment: adopt Mikey as quickly as I could, because he belonged with us.” A few days later Christina called the social worker and asked to be considered for Mikey’s adoption. Eighteen months later, the adoption was complete.

“Now, we’re just getting on with family life. Mikey and Harry have brought such happiness to us all. Mikey wakes up smiling and kisses us all every morning. Harry wakes up covered in little toy trains. It’s Mikey’s way of telling Harry to get up and start playing.

“Mikey and Harry complete us. Our family wouldn’t be our family without them. Adoption isn’t always easy, but sometimes there is a child out there just waiting to belong to you,” Christina says. “It doesn’t matter how old you are. It just matters that you’ve got love to give.”

For more information on adoption, please visit BAAF or American Adoptions.

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Earlier on Huff/Post50:

Dating Warning Signs: When Seeking A Partner, Don't Be Dumb

I debated about the title of this post, wondering whether my wording was too blunt a prescription for choosing a partner. But when it came down to it, I couldn’t find a more accurate alternative. Here’s why.

I’ve spent the last few years interviewing over 700 older people about love, relationships, and marriage (described in a new book on the topic). However I tried to convey their advice on this issue, behind me I could hear these wise elders shouting this lesson to younger people: Don’t be dumb in choosing your partner!

Over and over, when it comes to marriage the elders point to decisions that completely ignore the evidence and show bad judgment. They believe there are a set of signs so strong and compelling that they tell you to get out of the relationship. However all too many people ignore the clear warnings and get married — and, the elders tell us, live through a horrendous period (or even an entire married life), suffering the consequences of that dumb decision.

Sifting through hundreds of responses, I learned about four warning signs that should make you very reluctant to commit to a relationship. Most people know these signs are wrong — but hope that they can change their partner or that they won’t matter. The elders say this self-delusion is a huge mistake. And please note: For those of you already in a relationship, these warnings still apply. They are a diagnostic tool for deciding whether your marriage needs a fix (or an exit strategy).

Warning Sign # 1: Violence toward you of any kind

Yes, this point may seem obvious. But I have to put it first and foremost, because entering marriage after experiencing dating violence is still shockingly common, despite decades of warnings from researchers, physicians, and counselors.

On this issue, the elders are unequivocal: If your partner hits you or tries to hurt you in any way, get out. If it happens while you are dating, they firmly state, it will happen in your marriage. As Joan, age 84, put it

Don’t ever, ever get involved with somebody who is abusive at all physically, because you are asking for trouble. They may say that they are going to change and you may think that you will change them – News flash: you are not going to. I tried changing him and I gave up and left. I don’t care how many times person tells you they’re sorry and they’re never going to do that again. I think you find that they do.

I could spend a long time offering you detailed accounts from the elders who made the mistake of marrying someone who had been violent toward them, only to have the physical abuse escalate after marriage. But you probably know it already – make sure to act on it.

Warning Sign # 2: Explosive and Unexplained Anger while Dating

The elders assert that a huge warning sign is explosive and unreasonable anger. They tell you to beware of a person who seems to “get angry over nothing” or “has a bad temper” — anyone whose anger is disproportionate to the situation.

Most important, be aware that these outbursts initially may not be directed toward you. During courtship, they say, people are can keep their anger toward their prospective partner under control. Therefore, you need to look carefully at how he or she responds to frustrating situations and to other people. Annette, 76, dodged a bullet with a man she was getting serious about. She told me:

I dated someone and I was in the subway with him in the city, and we missed the train because we were on the wrong side of the platform. We were walking up the stairs and he took a whole bunch of change out of his pocket and he said some terrible things and threw all of his money down the stairs because he was very angry that we had missed the train. And when that happened, I looked at that person and I said: “This is not a person I want to spend my life with!”

It only was a minute, but you know, it was very telling. You can tell what kind of a person a person is if you miss your plane, if you lose your luggage, if you are caught outside on a rainy day, or something like that. In those stressful situations if they’re going to just stand there and curse up a storm or throw something, ask yourself if want to spend your life with a person with those coping skills.

In fiction and film, someone like this can be attractive in a dangerous way. But in the elders’ long experience, anger that can’t be explained or controlled — even if directed toward others or toward inanimate objects — is a warning sign that can’t be ignored.

Warning Sign 3: Dishonesty — in things large and small

Everyone tells little white lies (in answer to things like “Do these pants make me look fat?”). But the elders say pay careful attention to someone who is dishonest. Clearly, dishonesty to you is a probably deal-breaker. As Pamela, 91, warns:

All the sudden not coming home. Lying about where they’ve been or been with or what they’ve been doing. Secret phone calls. All kinds of things like that. Trust is a big issue and once you lose that, it’s very difficult to regain. You might put it on the back burner but you’re always going to be suspicious.

The elders also suggest you look for even small kinds of dishonesty in your potential mate. Does he or she cheat on tests? Take small items from work? Routinely lie his or her way out of situations? They believe that these are all warning signs of dishonesty that will spill eventually into your relationship.

Warning Sign 4: Sarcasm and Teasing

The problem with these two behaviors is that they are often portrayed as “just in fun.” When you get angry in response, you are accused of “not having a sense of humor.” The elders advise you to beware of anyone who engages in mean-spirited sarcasm or whose teasing crosses the border into aggression.

Barbara, age 70, left her first husband after a few years because she sensed the dark side that lurked behind his sarcasm:

Pay attention to behavioral signs. Somebody who is persistently, consistently, always sarcastic and critical, that should have been a warning sign to me that I was dealing with somebody who couldn’t function very well in the world. So I think that’s something that a young person can look for — this profound kind of sarcasm.

Margaret, age 90, had to reach an agreement with her husband to end teasing in their relationship. She told me:

Teasing is very dangerous. Teasing is like bullying. It demeans the other person, that kind of mocking behavior. It’s supposed to be kidding, but it’s a good warning sign, because it really devalues the other person.

Sometimes love and marriage seem incredibly complicated. But a great thing about talking with the elders is they make it simple and crystal clear: Far too many people make a dumb decision in choosing a mate, and live to regret it for years. By avoiding these four dangerous traps, you can make an intelligent decision — and one that increases your chances of living happily ever after.

Karl Pillemer’s 30 Lessons for Loving: The Wisest Americans on Love, Relationships, and Marriage comes out on January 8. For more information on the Marriage Advice Project, please visit the website, like the project on Facebook, and follow on Twitter:@karlpillemer.

Earlier on Huff/Post50:

Fight For The Right To Take Nude Photos

The Internet often lets people do whatever they want to whomever they want. What often happens is more than a violation of privacy; it’s flat-out criminal invasion. Prosecution, however, may be something of a long shot. Although a Florida man responsible for breaking into the private email accounts of more than 50 celebs and posting many explicit photos online is serving 10 years in prison, the law is only just beginning to catch up to the problem of what is broadly referred to as “revenge porn,” or the unauthorized posting of explicit content without the consent of the individual.

Most websites that host these photos are protected by a federal law that absolves them of responsibility for material posted by third parties. It’s legal in most of the United States, and only a few states — about 12 — have laws that make posting on such sites a crime … if you can even find out who the poster is. These unclear, largely ineffectual laws have in turn encouraged a culture of victim blaming.

Prosecuting depends on first determining who uploaded the photo and where the photo originated. A California law, for example, did not, until recently, protect victims who took the photos themselves.

These unclear, largely ineffectual laws have in turn encouraged a culture of victim-blaming. Certainly, the surest way to avoid ever having your most private photos shared publicly is to not take them in the first place. This is the philosophy behind the most common advice given to teens, among whom the rates of “sexting” continue to rise. Trust no one. Share nothing. Even better: Take nothing.

While we’re at it: Don’t leave the house. After all, you could get mugged, or raped. You’d better not fly on a jet, either, what with all the terrorism and overworked pilots. Swim in the ocean? No way: sharks!

It’s ridiculous logic.

And yet much of the reaction to the most recent celebrity leak in the news has fallen prey to such logic, questioning why these celebrities would take such risqué–and risky–photos in the first place. For this reason, taking nude photos is most definitely a right to fight for, if only because ceasing to do so is a form of victim blaming, and far more harmful than protective.

The blame for a crime lies not with the victim but with the criminal. We’ve become accustomed to knowing everything about everyone. And often the message isn’t that it’s heinous to so publicly and maliciously invade someone’s privacy but that these women who take nude photos of themselves brought their misfortune on themselves. After all, it wouldn’t have happened to them if they didn’t take the photos.

But the first step to protecting our privacy both online and off isn’t to demand that Apple make a stronger iCloud or to start stripping our storage spaces of anything private. Nor is it to insist that women stop taking nude photos of themselves or, for that matter, stop engaging in any activity they wouldn’t want to be made public. Instead, it’s to take these crimes seriously and hold their executors accountable.

The problem isn’t the picture. It’s the perpetrator.

…See How They Run

2014-12-05-Explainsgovernment.jpeg

Taxpayer Costs For Jodi Arias' Defense Top $2.7 Million

PHOENIX (AP) — The cost to Arizona taxpayers for Jodi Arias’ defense now tops $2.7 million, and the figure will keep rising as her penalty phase retrial continues in a Phoenix courtroom.

Maricopa County spokeswoman Cari Gerchick released Thursday the amount billed so far by Arias’ two court-appointed attorneys after she was unable to pay for her own defense. The figure is up more than $200,000 from the one released in late September.

Prosecutors have declined to provide their costs to try the case.

Arias was convicted of murder last year in the 2008 killing of ex-boyfriend Travis Alexander but jurors were unable to agree on a sentence.

A new jury is hearing testimony on whether to grant prosecutors’ request for the death penalty. Otherwise, Arias will face life in prison.

What Aging Women Want Most That Money Can't Buy

The perfect gift for your female partner over 50 cannot be found in jewelry or clothing stores. You have likely bought her enough sweaters and jewels to last 50 lifetimes — and much of the stuff has never come out of safes and drawers.

What aging women want most money cannot buy. What we want most is to be left the hell alone — and to be loved.

I know this from interviewing hundreds of wives and lovers over the course of a long journalism career that birthed six books focused on intimate relationships. I have learned a lot about the angst and dreams my gender has in common, despite our differences in age and backgrounds. I know some crucial answers to the centuries-old question: What do women want?

Central to our sustenance is not bling, nor designer wraps. What women want most of all is to feel independent and worthy. This comes from being surrounded by people we love and doing work that we love, work we are valued for, work that adds value to other people’s lives, work we choose to do, paid or unpaid.

What women of a certain age don’t want to be told how we should act, how we should feel. In fact, we don’t like the word “should”. We vary in our missions; some of us are hungry to lean into the boardroom and cultivate multi-million dollar deals. Others want to lean into grandchildren and/or gardens to cultivate a bounty of beets and kale. The goals we set for ourselves are based on personal emotional and financial needs therefore are the right choices because they stem from our hearts, and not societal expectations.

This is the definition of my brand of feminism — to gain independence and self-esteem from decisions that make a woman feel her most powerful and most real, and not allow others to shape or define her. The word “feminist” is not scary; it means “let me be” and many men claim to be feminists too.

What women don’t want is to be judged on any front.

The pain of being judged is not limited to lifestyle choices; we as women (of all ages) are constantly evaluated by our physical appearances. We are too fat, too scrawny, too busty, too pretty, too homely, too done up. We have thunder thighs or thick ankles or bad hair. If Hillary Clinton runs for president what we women want, no matter the party, is to discuss her credentials and not whether her hair looks good or she has lost weight. Men do not get that same superficial scrutiny and some of these guys in the public eye look really bad, with shoe-polish dye jobs and paunchy guts.

Some of you readers may wrongly equate the word “feminist” with “man-hater”. Yet many willful and accomplished women openly, with gratitude, credit their men as a primary power source. I often write on how to sustain long relationships and I find that the majority of the alpha-wives I interview are paired with spouses who give them free reigns on their lives. My favorite quote on this subject comes from a 92-year-old artist in Los Angeles who had just celebrated her 70th wedding anniversary.

“For all of these 70 years, anything I’ve done in my marriage, my husband always told me, ‘go, do, be’,” she told me. “Our marriage was never about submission for me. As a strong woman who is also a wife, you need to keep your own identity. That’s the real secret to why we lasted so long: I have a husband who has been the wind behind my wings. So I am free.”

This is what every woman I know yearns to feel. It is the answer to the ancient question that King Arthur searched far and wide to uncover: “What Does Woman Really Want?” According to legend, he was ordered to discover this mystery that has baffled all men throughout time as a punishment for being caught poaching in the forests of the neighboring kingdom.

An ugly, old witch agreed to show him the light at this steep price: King Arthur had to get his closest friend Gawain, the noblest knight of the Round Table, to take her as his bride. He persuaded his ever-courteous, chivalrous buddy Gawain to come through for him. The best ending to this tale is interpreted by Jungian storyteller Robert A. Johnson in his 1991 book Femininity Lost and Regained:

“When Gawain was prepared for the wedding bed and waiting for his bride to join him, she appeared as the loveliest maiden a man could ever wish to see!,” Johnson writes. “Gawain, in his astonishment, asked what had happened. The maiden replied that because Gawain had been courteous to her, she would show him her hideous side half of the time, and her gracious side the other half of the time. Which of the two did he choose for the day and which for the night?

“Noble man that he was, Gawain replied that he would let the maiden choose for herself,” continues Johnson. “At this, the maiden announced that she would be a fair damsel to him both day and night, since he had given her respect and sovereignty over her own life.”

So much for critics of feminism who feared that what woman really wanted was to rule the world. What we want most of all, as King Arthur discovered, is the choice to define and rule ourselves.

Wise men want this, too, for their women and for themselves.

Iris Krasnow is a bestselling author whose books can be found on iriskrasnow.com. i
Her latest book is book Sex After…Women Share How Intimacy Changes As Life Changes.

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