What to Give Grieving Loved Ones This Christmas

We already know that Christmas can suck like a Dyson if you don’t have the family portrait peddled to us by consumer marketing departments each year. You know the type: snow white-haired grandparents in shades of neutral linen and chambray blue handing over boxes wrapped with ribbons and bows made for a giant to pearly-teethed children wearing leather, unscuffed sneakers.

But a life with permanent stylists isn’t achievable for the average modern family with cracks and wood rot threatening to collapse under the pressure of familial tension that Christmas traditionally brings.

Add grief to an already pressure-filled mix and Christmas is enough to make those who have lost a loved one in the year prior shut the front door, turn off the lights and crawl under the doona with a jar of cinnamon-spiced Xanax for the entire holiday season.

I lost my mother six weeks ago. Too close to Christmas for me to really care about fairy lights and gift wrapping, though brandy and rum balls have certainly increased their appeal. Her name was Joy — she was made for Christmas. Which is why a simple piped Christmas carol can have me sobbing without warning in aisle six at the local supermarket.

In the first few weeks of shock post her death I foolishly thought I could control when or where the tears would hit. But that’s like thinking you can control the tides or send the earth in the opposite direction round the sun. I have since resigned myself to a quiet tear in a bank queue, a misty eye in the dog park or one full cathartic break down behind the wheel of my car, stereo blasting.

The trouble is we live in a Western homogenized world that doesn’t acknowledge grief past the funeral. We are not taught when we are young that dying is a part of life, your life and everyone else’s life. It is as natural as the first and last breathe we take and appears in every life force around us. There is a beginning, middle and end to everything.

Instead we seek eternal youth. We buy hope in a jar to turn back the years with cosmetic creams, spend hours at the gym in the quest for smooth undimpled thighs and dye the grey out of our hair lest anyone suspect for a moment that we are human and experiencing the limit of time given to each of us.

If we live in a world of denial around aging, how can we possibly know what to say to those impacted by what aging represents — death?

In the weeks during my mother’s deterioration and then her inevitable demise I witnessed the discomfort of those who struggle in the face of other’s vulnerability and loss. I have seen people, for the first time post-death, who know she has died but say nothing.

Yet they chitter chatter with white noise and over disclosure in a bid to keep the fear of vulnerability at bay. Anything but acknowledge the truth before them.

Here’s a tip: I don’t have leprosy, and death is not contagious, though it will eventually come for you too. Not mentioning the death of my mother, the person who gave me life, who birthed me, bathed me and was forever present in my world, only makes it easier for you, or so you think.

I will not break down into a flood of a thousand tears, howling at the sky if you acknowledge the significant event that has created a new world for me. And if I do, then so what?

Those in grief are acutely sensitive to loss. Friends that go missing in action, and they do, without a word of explanation during this crucial time only accentuate that loss. One of the best things you can say is “I don’t know what to say” or “it is too confronting for me,” for the acknowledgement itself opens up a dialogue.

Not inviting a grieving person to holiday events may be well-meaning, but again it represents the deafening silence the grieving person already deals with daily. Inviting them doesn’t mean they will come and drop inconsiderate salty tears into your eggnog and be found in the fetal position under the Christmas tree but again, so what if they do, because you can be guaranteed someone with flashing felt antlers and a reindeer sweater will do it anyway.

People in grief are akin to those in the early stages of love. They suffer from mention-itis, the ability to drop that person’s name into every conversation no matter how random. Let them.

Don’t shut them down or change the topic because they dared to mention the name of someone who dared to inconsiderately die in the three hundred and fifty odd days prior to Christmas. To do so is to say the deceased never existed when all they have left is memories.

Gestures do count, even declined invitations. Gestures mean someone is thinking about you and gestures reveal to the grieving that they are being thought about.

On one of the six final nights my mum spent in hospital I stood in the lift unable to contain the tears breaking the wells in my eyes. A stranger who shared the lift reached out and rubbed my back. Bless that stranger and their gesture forever.

I have since arrived at my local café to find a friend who had been at the café before me had paid for my breakfast the next time I came in. I have come home to a photo book of puppies on my front door, to flowers sent five weeks after with a note about “understanding the silence,” to a bag of groceries and a soulful recipe for the heart that explained the ingredients within.

I haven’t seen any of these people. I didn’t need to — the gestures have meant it all.

Loss leaves us vulnerable but there is truth, authenticity and courage in vulnerability when you remain present to all that the grief process reveals. I am as grateful for my mother’s life as my mother’s death for both have brought new life to me in different ways.

If you truly want to give something to someone who is grieving this Christmas, then give your presence for even a moment. Wrap your vulnerability up with a red ribbon and hand it over: You’ll be surprised what a true present that is and where that connection can lead.

What Happens When Museum Scientists Open An Egyptian Mummy's Coffin

CHICAGO (AP) — Once the lid was off the wood coffin holding the 2,500-year-old mummified remains of a 14-year-old Egyptian boy, scientist J.P. Brown could relax.

The conservator at Chicago’s Field Museum and three other scientists had just used clamps and pieces of metal to create a cradle to lift the fragile lid. Wearing blue surgical gloves, they slowly lifted the contraption containing the coffin lid and carefully walked it to a table in a humidity-controlled lab at the museum.

“Sweet!” Brown said, after helping set the lid down. He later added: “Oh yeah, god, I was nervous.”

The well-planned routine came Friday as scientists started conservation work on the mummy of Minirdis, the son of a stolist priest. The mummy needs to be stabilized so it can travel in the upcoming exhibit, “Mummies: Images of the Afterlife,” which is expected to premier next September at the Natural History Museum of Los Angeles County. It is expected to travel to the Denver Museum of Nature and Science in fall 2016.

The Field Museum has had the mummy since the 1920s, when the institution received it from the Chicago Historical Society. It’s part of the museum’s collection of 30 complete human mummies from Egypt.

“There’s always a risk of damage,” said Brown, who did the work in a lab filled with plastic-covered examination tables set behind a large window to let schoolchildren watch his daily work. “So we like to handle these things as little as possible.”

Inside the coffin, there was expected damage. CT scans, which make X-ray images that allow scientists to see inside the coffin before opening it, showed the boy’s feet were detached and partially unwrapped with his toes sticking out. His shroud and mask were torn and twisted sideways. Those also will be repaired.

Brown didn’t worry that the mummy would scatter to dust when opened – something common in the movies. Pieces of the coffin had previously gone missing, exposing the mummy to the elements.

“The last bit of `Indiana Jones’ and all that,” Brown explained before opening the coffin. “That’s not going to happen.”

And it didn’t.

Walking around the opened coffin, Brown pointed and explained the significance of a certain marking, the colored resin on the linen wrappings or the gilded gold on the mask. If Minirdis had lived, he would have been a priest like his father, Brown said. Scientists don’t know why he died so young.

“The fascinating thing about any mummy is that it’s survived as long as it has,” Brown said. “They’re actually amazingly fragile.”

This kind of work is always painstaking, filled with pre-planning and tests so scientists are prepared for the unexpected, said Molly Gleeson, who works with mummies as project conservator at Penn Museum’s “In the Artifact Lab: Conserving Egyptian Mummies” exhibition in Philadelphia.

“These are unique individuals, unique objects,” she said. “There’s nothing else like them. If damage were to happen, we can’t put things back together exactly the way they were before.”

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P.J. Brown, Regenstein Conservator at the Field Museum describes what a CT scan reveled about the mummified body of Minirdis, a 14-year-old Egyptian boy who was the son of a priest. (AP Photo/Charles Rex Arbogast)

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In this photo taken Friday, Dec. 5, 2014, in Chicago, P.J. Brown, Regenstein Conservator at the Field Museum examines the burial mask on the mummified body of Minirdis, a 14-year-old Egyptian boy who was the son of a priest. (AP Photo/Charles Rex Arbogast)

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The mummified body of Minirdis, a 14-year-old Egyptian boy and his exposed toes lie in his opened coffin. (AP Photo/Charles Rex Arbogast)

Online:

Field Museum, http://www.fieldmuseum.org

This Is What Chicken McNuggets Are Made Of, According To McDonald's

It’s something you’ve probably wondered far too often when chowing down on McDonald’s Chicken Nuggets — what are these actually made of? Is there even chicken in here?

According to McDonald’s, the answer is still yes, as stated in yet another video in the fast-food chain’s transparency campaign. In the new video, similar to the one on how McRibs are made, host Grant Imahara ventures to Tyson Foods in Tennessee to get the inside scoop for viewers.

The video touches on some pretty tough subjects, like those nasty pink slime accusations McDonald’s faced in 2012, and Imahara’s nearly perfect description of how people think Chicken Nuggets are made: “People think that you just come to this giant factory, you have a bin of chickens that you just put into a grinder, you grind ’em up and you pour that into a mold, [squeezing noise] and that’s what you use to make a Chicken McNugget.”

Here are some important moments in the video:

1. Shots of the workers slicing up chicken

2. When we saw something that looked like pink slime

3. When we met “the machine that combines all of the ingredients together”

4. This comparison of pink slime to the final products

5. Seeing nuggets get breaded and battered

6. Getting a final look at the nuggets before they get flash frozen

7. When Imahara grinned like the world’s greatest mystery had been solved

Though we applaud McDonald’s for trying to be transparent and promoting their nuggets as natural — we can’t help but be skeptical of this video (also suspiciously released the day we learned of more declining sales for the brand). We’re still not quite convinced of Imahara’s enthusiasm or the chicken wisdom that’s being fed to us. Maybe next time, Mickey D’s?

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The Writers Workbench: 2014 Holiday Gift Guide

Let it snow, let it snow, let it..oh, okay, you get the point. ‘Tis the season for my annual Holiday Gift Guide, where we look back over the previous months and pass along some of the products that got reviewed during the year that might make a nice gift, for thems who like getting electronics as a present.

Fa la la…

  • Harmony Touch Remote
  • Energizer LED Folding Lantern
  • Lenmar Portable Power Pack for Laptops
  • Juno Power JUMPR
  • Energizer 180 Watt Cup Inverter
  • ASUS Transformer Book T100
  • Lenovo Yoga Tablet
  • Nomad NomadKey
  • TYLT Energi 3K / 3K+

HARMONY TOUCH REMOTE

Logitech has long had an impressive line of universal remotes, from basic models to those you think might be able to control the Lunar Space Module. Their new Harmony Touch is a replacement of their popular Harmony One, which uses a color touch screen. It’s high end, though not at the top of their line. Still, it retails for $249 (at the time of writing), so it might be more than some people need, if you just want to operate a couple, basic devices. The two biggest differences from its predecessor are that it’s smaller to fit better in your hand, and (most notably) it relies heavily on touch screen icons. Much more on this later. But first, you have to get the thing set up.

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With universal remotes, there are two important aspects you’ll deal with – not just how to use it, but also programming the unit. (Not just for the initial set-up, but also adjusting things later.)
There are two ways to configure different remotes – either directly on the remote itself or via software, connecting the remote to your computer. Both have advantages: the former doesn’t require any fiddling with computers or websites. However, the latter gives more flexibility for updating for the latest devices and their codes.

The Harmony Touch is the latter. You run the My Harmony software, which connects you to your personal settings webpage. If your needs are basic, setting up the Harmony One is incredibly easy, giving you simple and clear prompts all along the way. Little in life is perfect, and you will likely have to do some adjusting. It’s still handled well with helpful prompts, but with any universal remote, especially the more devices in your home theater, there will be tweaking, and not everything can be perfectly clear.

In short (after such a long review…), this is one of the best firmware updates I’ve ever come across for any product, period. They took a very good, though problematic product and made it something that’s now a joy.

If you have simple needs, something so elaborate isn’t necessary. If you currently have a Harmony One, and it’s working fine, there’s no need to upgrade. And if you are looking for a new remote, and the Harmony One is now available at a low price, it might be the way to go. But all other things being equal, the Harmony Touch is an extremely good improvement.

ENERGIZER LED FOLDING LANTERN

I wasn’t quite sure what to make of the Folding Lantern when I first got it. It’s oddly shaped and seemed to be much more a lantern than flashlight. But then, that’s what it says it is. And by the time I got finishing testing it – especially since I had reason to actually put it to full use (more on that later) – I came away blown away by how good it was.

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The Lantern pivots open and can go from illuminating a 180-degree area when closed and compact, to providing 360-degrees of full floodlight when open. It can deliver a glowing 300 lumens – or less when dimmed. (So, again, yes, it’s dimmable.)

The Folding Lantern isn’t something for everyone – but if you have need for such a thing, or if you want a back-up light in case of black outs, it was absolutely wonderful, and one of the most unique battery lights I’ve come across. It retails for $35 and at the time of can be found online for $25.50.

LENMAR PORTABLE POWER PACK for LAPTOPS

For all my love of portable chargers, one of the more difficult to find are those for laptops. The issue tends to be the size and voltage. So, it was a pleasure to find this product from Lenmar. The laptop model is very thin, making it easy to slide into a briefcase or your laptop case, and acceptably light at just over one pound. To be clear, it’s not “light” per se, but enough so when traveling to make it very convenient, particularly on long distance flights. It measures 7″x5″ by .5″.

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The capacity is a solid 16,500 mAh (milliamp). This won’t fully charge your laptop, but will still give you several hours extra, which should be plenty for most circumstances, not leaving you stranded in mid-flight, say.

Unlike tablets and mobile phones that tend to have standard ports, most laptop manufacturers have proprietary plugs. As a result, you can’t just snap this charger in, but need adapter plugs, which the Lenmar comes with. Find the right one for your laptop and attach it to the charger’s cord. At the time of writing, it could be found online for $81.

JUNO POWER JUMPR

On the surface, the JUMPR is a respectable portable power bank, about the size of a smart phone, with some downsides. It holds 6,000 mAh, enough for around four full charges of a mobile phone and is very thin with a lithium polymer battery, though unfortunately doesn’t have any attached cables, so you have to carry around your own.

But the JUMPR isn’t about the surface and is far from ordinary. Indeed, it’s main purpose is that it can output 12 volts of power at 300 amps – which means that the JUMPR can charge your 4-cylinder or 6-cylinder car battery if it dies on you. Yes, you read that right. It might take a few minutes for the charge, but that beats being stranded.

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Consider that the standard portable car battery/generator that you might stick in the trunk weighs 25 pounds. The JUMP is only seven ounces, and you can store it in your glove compartment – or purse, or carry it in your pocket. To be clear, it can also do regular charging of portable devices, even tablets which requires a more powerful 2.1 amp output than the 1 amp which mobile phones require. At the time of writing, the JUMPR was on sale online for $70.

ENERGIZER 180 WATT CUP CONVERTER

This is an offbeat product that you might never use, but if you ever do have need of it – and that need is not uncommon – it’s incredibly useful. Basically, what an inverter does is connect to your car battery, adapts the car’s battery to AC, and lets you plug an appliance into it. So, for instance, if you’re having a power failure and working on a laptop and you run out of power, you’re not out of luck. You can just go to your car, connect the inverter (it’s brain-dead easy, using the cigarette lighter slot) and plug your device in. Any device that requires an AC plug, as long as it fits under the 180 watt ceiling.)

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To be clear, it’s only this particular device that has that 180 watt requirement. Energizer makes a line of inverters, from a low of 120 watts up to a larger, heavy duty 2,000-watt unit.

The device is called a “cup inverter,” because it’s somewhat shaped that way and conveniently sits in your car’s cup holder. By the way, your car doesn’t even have to be turned on for the device to work, though that will drain you car’s battery under those conditions. At the time of writing, the 180-watt version could be found online for $30.

ASUS TRANSFORMER BOOK T100
The ASUS T100 is a Windows tablet, a branch of tablet devices I find quite intriguing, particularly for productivity. And among the smaller, more portable of those I’ve tested, I was very impressed with the ASUS T100, though it comes with some drawbacks you have to live with – but they’re livable, particularly if you want this for a backup device or something to carry along with you, not as a desktop replacement. But it’s an extremely good tablet / laptop hybrid. And it comes at an extremely respectable price, around $350 at the time of writing.

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The tablet has a 10.1″ display and comes with a keyboard that doubles as a cover. They snap together and lock, making the device easy to pick up and carrying around when connected. The display can be angled like any laptop. Pulled separate, it works very well as a standalone tablet, though it’s a little thick, but not problematically so, and weighs 1.2 pounds. With the keyboard, they’re just under 2.4 pounds.

Using an Atom processor, the speed is reasonably crisp, though sluggish if you want to run perhaps half a dozen programs at the same time. And the keyboard is a little thin and light, and would be cramped for especially-chubby fingers or for extended typing of several hours. But it’s a good keyboard, and I found it easy to type on, albeit slower than on a desktop. The layout isn’t the same as a standard keyboard, but I found it easy enough to get used to, and I was able to do serious work with it – the great advantage of a Windows 8.1 tablet/keyboard.

LENOVO YOGA TABLET

Lenovo’s Yoga tablet is an Android device that has some intriguing, indeed unique things about it, which is rare for a tablet these days. Most notably, it has a battery rated at 18 hours, which is remarkable. And with a microUSB socket, this incredibly long-life battery can also (and impressively) be used to charge other devices, like your cell phone, so you don’t necessarily have to carry an extra battery pack. Also, very noticeably unlike other tablets, the Yoga isn’t completely flat – it has a sort of rounded “handle” on the side. This makes for a better, more comfortable grasp, and it also can fold down to a tilt stand position for typing, or as a full stand for watching movies.

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(That said, I’m not 100% sold on the handle. It does make it easier to hold, though it adds some weight – in fairness, I believe that’s where the batteries are installed that allow the long-life. But it also means its back won’t lie down perfectly flat. The trade-off is a better grip and 18 hours of battery life.)

The Yoga comes in both 8″ and 10″ models. The price retails at $249 for the smaller until, but what jumps out is its low $275 retail price for the 10″ tablet.

NOMAD NOMADKEY

The NomadKey is an extremely small and portable USB cable that hooks onto your keychain. The company makes models with either a micro-USB connector on the other end (for Android or Windows devices), or an Apple Lightning connector.

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The NomadKey is made of high-grade, thick-but flexible rubber, and only a touch over just 2″. This allows for charging from or connecting to any USB port. In fact, if you love the ease of portability, this means that in some instances you almost don’t have to worry about even carrying around a portable battery charger – just use the Nomad Key to connect between your device and a computer. It does make your keychain a touch bulkier, but only by very little. The NomadKey is seriously small – but sturdy. It retails for $29, but could be found for $25 at the time of writing. Yes, this is more than most basic cables (though Lightning cables can be costly), but with far more convenience. (One caveat: the company has upgraded the product, which is A Good Thing. Though the previous model was sturdy, it had an issue with the top strip of some clips from a manufacturing run breaking, and the product was on back-order. The company says the issue has now been fixed and is back on sale.)

TYLT ENERGI 3K / 3K+

TYLT has a line of impressive portable chargers, and this is one of the best. Very small and light – you can stick them in a shirt pocket – they’re half as thin as a pack of cigarettes, and weigh just 3-3/4 ounces, very easy to carry on your person. Yet the ENERGI 3K/+ holds 3 mAh of power, which is almost two full phone charges, more than enough for most people out for the day.

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The difference between the two models is that the 3K has a micro-USB (for Android or Windows phones) on the 3K, while there is or an Apple Lightning plug with the 3K+. And they both have a standard USB port to use with a personal cable. At the time of writing, the 3K model could be found online for $40, while the Lightning 3K+ was $50.

Bonus:

The Holiday Gift Guide is for products that were reviewed here during the year, but I wanted to add a quick mention of one item that wasn’t. However, I’ve written the review, just not posted it yet, and it seemed a particularly good gift for the holidays, which are a time for travel. It’s the Tarriss Jetsetter Digital Luggage Scale What sets it apart is that it’s extremely light for packing, has a convenient strap for hooking most things you’ll want to weigh, a comfortable handle, is pretty accurate (I do find it best to do a few weighings just to be safe), has a crisp digital display that locks the weight, and even comes with a free subscription to a pretty good travel newsletter. Given how airlines seem to be paying more attention to weight, most especially for overseas travel, it’s a good type of product to have around. The Tarriss scale retails for $40, but right now online can be found for just $20.

*

To read more from Robert J. Elisberg about this or many other matters both large and tidbit small, see Elisberg Industries.

Why Waiting to Sign Up for an Obamacare Plan Could Cost You a Bundle

Attention shoppers: After today, for those whose employers don’t offer health insurance, there will only be seven shopping days left for coverage that starts on January 1, 2015.

December 15 is the last day you will be able to pick an Obamacare plan if you want to be insured beginning New Year’s Day. If you’re like most folks, you’ll wait until close to the deadline to make a choice.

Don’t be like most folks.

If you don’t give yourself enough time to sort through the options available to you, you might wind up paying your insurance company a lot more than necessary — which is exactly what a lot of my former colleagues in the business are hoping for.

Insurance company executives have spent millions of dollars persuading us — and the people we vote for — that what we crave is more “choice and competition.” They even bankrolled a group called the Choice and Competition Coalition, which is little more than a public relations and lobbying outfit designed to protect the profitable status quo for health insurers. They do so by making sure certain members of Congress don’t even think about giving us the choice and competition that would really make a difference.

That would be the choice of a government-run “public option” to compete with private insurance companies. Insurers spent millions of dollars on lobbying and campaign contributions in a successful effort to strip the public option from the bill that became the Affordable Care Act.

In my 20 years in the insurance industry, I never met anyone who said they were looking forward to picking a health plan. There’s a good reason for that. Trying to figure out what’s best for yourself and your family can be bewildering. Even with my background in the insurance world, I would rather have a root canal than sit in front of a computer for hours trying to determine which plan offers the best value.

Industry statistics show that once people make a decision, they’ll stay with the same plan for years, even if there are other plans available to them that would cost less and provide better coverage. Why? We don’t enjoy the process because we’re not educated consumers of insurance. We don’t really know what we’re doing or what we’re buying. Polls have shown that large percentages of Americans don’t even have a grasp of basic insurance terms and concepts.

That was borne out by a study released in October by The Robert Wood Johnson Foundation and the Kaiser Family Foundation. The researchers described insurance literacy barriers as “huge” for most Americans.

Of the millions of people who enrolled in Obamacare plans last year, “many…didn’t understand basic concepts like how a deductible works or why premiums must be paid every month,” the researchers wrote. “Many consumers also had trouble understanding (Affordable Care Act) premium and cost sharing subsidies.”

Knowing this, the Obama administration last week pleaded with folks who will be returning to the marketplace this year to shop around. Chances are good they can save money and get better coverage if they do.

Last year, some insurers offered policies with relatively low premiums to attract customers in a practice known in the industry as “buying market share.” This year, those insurers are hitting their customers with hefty rate increases. An example is Blue Cross Blue Shield of Tennessee, which grabbed 88 percent of the Obamacare market in the Volunteer State with rates considerably lower than its competitors.

Hardly more than six months into the year, the insurer filed documents with state regulators saying it planned to raise rates by an average of 19 percent for its exchange plans for 2015. The insurer couldn’t possible have had enough claims data by July to know for sure that it would need to jack rates up that much, but it wanted to be certain its Obamacare business would be profitable next year.

Even with that kind of an increase, chances are great that the insurer’s Obamacare members will simply renew their coverage without shopping for a better deal with another company.

The Obama Administration said in a report last week that more than 70 percent of people who bought coverage on their state exchanges last year can find a health plan for 2015 that offers the same level of coverage at a lower premium and that 80 percent could find a plan with monthly premiums lower than $100 after subsidies are factored in.

While that sounds like great news, shoppers beware. Plans with the lowest premiums often provide inadequate coverage for a lot of people, especially those who have to take expensive medications and go to the doctor frequently. The bronze plans have considerably lower premiums than the gold and silver plans, but the deductibles are typically much higher.

For 2015, the average deductible for a bronze plan for an individual will be almost $5,200. That means that you’d have to spend that much money out of your own pocket before your insurance coverage kicks in.

One of my biggest complaints about Obamacare, aside from the fact that insurers killed the public option that was once a part of the bill, is that it forces us to gamble with our health and our finances. And most of us are just not insurance literate enough to make the best choices.

Mika Brzezinski Learns About Furries, Proceeds To Run Off Set

Mika Brzezinski just learned what a furry is … and it was glorious.

During a segment on Monday’s “Morning Joe,” Brzezinski was reading a headline from the teleprompter about a gas incident at a convention in Illinois when she came across a term she wasn’t familiar with, slowing down awkwardly and eventually pausing to ask, “Did I get that wrong?”

“What’s a furry?” co-host Joe Scarborough echoed in apparent bafflement.

Willie Geist ultimately had to take over as Brzezinski and Scarborough broke out into laughter — realizing what exactly the convention had been for — and the segment ended with Brzezinski running hastily for the door.

H/T Mediaite

5 Reasons Why I'm Seriously Crushin' On Lorde

It’s pretty obvious that I have a crush on Lorde. After all, she’s pretty magnificent, when you think about it and here’s why.

1. Her song lyrics. She’s said that she’s “first and foremost a writer,” which gives me all sorts of butterflies. One of the best parts about Lorde’s music is that I can listen to it over and over again and discover a new thing each time.

I mean: “I’m kind of over gettin’ told to throw my hands up in the air. So there. I’m kind of older than I was when I reveled without a care. So there,” from “Team” means something different every time I hear the song. It’s the same thing with lyrics from “Royals” or “Tennis Court.” I’m sure that they meant something specific when they were written, but the lyrics have enough depth to emerge with a new significance every time I press play.

2. She sticks by her opinion. Lorde is a self-identifying feminist, and isn’t afraid to state her opinions. Last October, she said that she didn’t like Selena Gomez’s song, “Come and Get It”: “I’m a feminist and the theme of her song is, ”When you’re ready, come and get it from me,'” she explained. “I’m sick of women being portrayed this way.”

She later spoke of her comments with MTV News, by saying:

I have pretty strong morals and opinions being in pop music, and I can’t help but express those, which I think people appreciate. I mean, I don’t think I say anything that isn’t backed up. Most of the time I will stand by things that I’ve said.

After she started getting media backlash, people started to expect an apology. I don’t really think one was warranted. She was asked her opinion of a song, and gave it. The fact that she didn’t back down, even as people were pressuring her, is definitely commendable.

3. She has two Grammys. This one pretty much goes without any explanation. At last year’s Grammy Awards, Lorde received awards for Best Pop Solo Performance and Song of the Year. I know that talent isn’t defined by the amount of awards that someone has, but come on. Grammys are pretty considerable achievements. We have to face that she’s good at what she does.

4. Her voice. I’m not even sure if I can describe this in words, but I’ll definitely try. Lorde’s voice is crisp, melodic and can cut through a room with the edge of a sharpened knife. At the same time, it’s this breathy sound during the high notes. It’s a rich noise that carries this heaviness with it, and hits you right in the gut.

5. She’s a majestic being. She just has this way about her. If you’ve seen pictures of her performing, you’ll probably feel this ripple effect: the force of her lyrics, her voice and her stage presence throw you out of your seat. And then there’s her hair. And those robes that she wears. She looks like an indie princess.

The Timeless Allure Of The Pilgrimage To India

Every country has its particular draws for travelers, from history and thrilling scenery to opportunities to step outside comfort zones and be immersed in a different way of life. But more than most countries, India has long been a destination for reasons that go beyond mere tourism, offering visitors from around the world a chance to savor the ancient wisdom and traditions that still color many parts of everyday Indian life.

These unique offerings have made the pilgrimage to India one of the richest and most productive travel opportunities, influencing travelers in countless ways. Here are just seven examples of Indian pilgrimages that have changed the lives and work of travelers from around the world.

A Lesson In Mindfulness

paul saltzman

After meeting Indian guru Maharishi Mahesh Yogi in London in 1967 at one of his lectures, the Beatles ventured to Rishikesh in February 1968 to attend the Maharishi’s Academy of Transcendental Meditation. Alongside approximately 60 others at the ashram, the Beatles spent their time meditating and taking the Maharishi’s course, which included five hours of lectures and meetings each day. While John, Paul, George and Ringo’s stays in India ranged from three to six weeks, they found that the visit inspired one of their most productive musical periods. The publicity behind their trip also went a long way toward introducing Indian culture, spirituality and transcendental meditation to Western audiences.

A Connection With Ancient Traditions

meditating monk

In her New York Times bestselling memoir, Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia, Elizabeth Gilbert recounts how she spent the second leg of her journey to self-discovery searching for her spirituality in India. In those three months, she embraced Vipassana meditation and found that the practice helped to quiet her troubled mind. It was on this trip that Gilbert first found the inner calm she sought, and she carried the lessons and practices learned on her trip with her after leaving the country.

A Strong Foundation

george orwell india

English novelist and essayist George Orwell was born Eric Arthur Blair in 1903 in eastern India, where his father, a British colonial civil servant, was stationed. Largely educated in England, Orwell decided to join the Indian Imperial Police in Burma in 1922. He spent five years in Burma before resigning from his post and pursuing his writing career, and his first novel, Burmese Days, was inspired by his time there.

Disconnection

norbulingka

Éric Ripert, the world-renowned French chef behind the New York City restaurant Le Bernardin, traveled to Dharamsala in search of a vacation that would help him escape the stresses of his everyday life. He stayed in the Temple of Norbulingka, and found the grounds to be incredibly peaceful and relaxing.

“When I first visited this region a few years ago, I felt as though I’d stepped onto another planet,” he wrote in Esquire. “It’s in the northern part of the country, right in the western foothills of the Himalayas, and I spent ten days trekking from village to village, hiking in the mountains, and swimming in the lakes.”

He found himself so disconnected from time and outside priorities that he ended up missing his flight home by two days.

Artistic Inspiration

indian desert

While musician Rostam Batmanglij is a Washington, D.C. native and the son of two Iranian immigrants, the culture of India has significantly impacted his work as a songwriter and keyboardist for indie-rock band Vampire Weekend. After visiting the country, his musical inspiration reflected Indian sounds; lyrics on the group’s debut album mentioned the town of Dharmsala.

“In Rajasthan, India, we took an overnight train from Jaipur to Jaisalmer,” Batmanglij told Travel and Leisure about his trip. “The fort city was built more than 850 years ago, and almost every surface is sandstone. I’ve never felt so far removed from my everyday life as I did there. On our last night, we went to the desert and slept on a sand dune, with only blankets for warmth. That night, I felt a deep connection with my ancestors.”

A Different Kind Of Personal Strength

northern india

Before Steve Jobs founded Apple, he spent several months in the 1970s traveling through northern India. Eastern philosophy intrigued him, and the personal journey inspired him to continue his education and take his understanding of the sciences to the next level. He also developed a deep appreciation for Mahatma Gandhi, his approach to life and his spiritual strength.

Religious Renewal

ganges river bathing

Every 12 years, members of the Hindu community gather along the Ganges River in the holy place of Prayag, traveling from all parts of the country (and the world), to participate in Maha Kumbh Mela. The mass pilgrimage results in the bathing of each person in the Ganges. Maha Kumbh Mela last occurred on February 14, 2013, and approximately 80 million people attended.

Is Your Family Keeping a Secret?

Every family has at least one secret, and some have many more than that. You may recall secrets from your childhood about an aunt who had “something wrong,” though you never knew what, exactly. Perhaps you have a secret yourself that you’ve never shared with your children. Maybe, when you were in your 20s, you had an unplanned pregnancy, had a minor drug-related scuffle with the law or were so depressed that you required hospitalization.

We tend to worry that if our secrets were revealed to even our closest friends that they would drop us or that, if our children learned about those youthful difficulties, they would think less of us. It’s also possible, though, that our family secrets involve truths about our children that we would rather not let those in our friendship circles or broader communities find out about. If this is true of you, then, you might be given strength from learning the story shared by psychologist Rachnel Pruchno in her book, Surrounded by Madness: A Memoir of Mental Illness and Family Secrets. I reviewed this book in depth in my Psychology Today blog, but here I’d like to focus on its implications for midlife, 50-something, parents here.

We tend to think of our children as reflections of ourselves. When something goes “wrong” with them, we feel that there’s something “wrong” with us. Pruchno’s first-person narrative tells us that it’s the keeping of these secrets that takes its toll on our own mental health. Her adoptive daughter, Sophie, struggled her entire life with symptoms ranging from ADHD to bipolar disorder. At the time of the book’s writing, Sophie would have been 22, but Rachel hadn’t been in contact with her for an agonizing three years.

Pruchno hoped that by sharing her story, she would encourage all of us with family secrets not to hold onto them forever. You might be surprised when you reveal those secrets (assuming you don’t violate their personal rights), that you run into support, not scorn, from those you care about the most.

Moving beyond secrets of such a deeply personal and troubling nature, though, it’s also helpful for midlife parents to examine their own feelings about the success, or lack thereof, of their children. One study published a number of years ago (Ryff et al., 1996) argued that parents tended to be threatened by the success of their children — rooting for them to fail, not succeed. However, the considered wisdom since the publication of the Ryff et al. work is the opposite- that parents become distressed when their children fail, not when they succeed (Cichy et al., 2013).

It’s the shame, then, that midlife parents need to try to combat when their own children’s outcomes in life don’t meet their expectations. Rather than cover it up, though, you can gain not only catharsis, but emotional support when you allow those who are close to you to help you in the coping process.

References:

Cichy, K. E., Lefkowitz, E. S., Davis, E. M., & Fingerman, K. L. (2013). ‘You are such a disappointment!’: Negative emotions and parents’ perceptions of adult children’s lack of success. The Journals Of Gerontology: Series B: Psychological Sciences And Social Sciences, 68B(6), 893-901. doi:10.1093/geronb/gbt053

Pruchno, R. (2014). Surrounded by madness: A memoir of mental illness and family secrets. Indianapolis IN: Dog Ear Publishing.

Ryff, C. D., Schmutte, P. S., & Lee, Y. H. (1996). How children turn out: Implications for parental self-evaluation. In C. D. Ryff, M. M. Seltzer (Eds.) , The parental experience in midlife (pp. 383-422). Chicago, IL, US: University of Chicago Press.

Lights Go On, Part XXXVIII — Friends

As much as I feel at home in New York,
it is when I come to Los Angeles
that I engage and re-engage
with the irreplaceable pleasure of
lifelong friendships.
Last Saturday it was the wedding of
Lynn Hayes and Danny Jordan
for which I wrote a song with Danny.
While here on the West Coast
I am the grateful guest of
Steve and Carol Nicholson,
college and lifelong friends
who trekked back to Memphis Tennessee
for my wedding many years ago.
Yesterday, I visited
Gayle Levant, who was Jeanne’s
Maid of Honor
and her husband
John Richards.
Gayle is the premier studio Harpist
in Los Angeles
and John Richards
has served as a scoring engineer
on hundreds of films
including seven Oscar winning scores.
Gayle and I met on a recording date
at the beginning of both of our careers.
We became fast and lasting friends
and Gayle’s passion for design
was a boon to Jeanne and me in our home.
It was a boundless joy to
be a guest yesterday in their home
that I can only describe as being full of
Gayle warmth.
What began as a lunch at Vitellos
ended only after an extended dinner conversation
in their kitchen that lasted until 1:00am
These are among the greatest elements of joy
in my life.
We talked about family, our respective relationships with
The Carpenters, Michael Jackson, Barbra Streisand
Quincy Jones and countless others.
And the cherry on top for me?
Enjoying John’s English Classic cars
A 1933 Talbot
(I hadn’t heard of one either)
and a 1935 Riley
(Nor that one)
I arrived home in Malibu after 1:30 this morning,
crept upstairs so not to awaken Carol and Steve
and slipped into the most pleasant dreams of a deep sleep
fostered by the love of friends.
Grateful
Cherish
Fulfilling
These words have literally leapt
from my heart
onto this page.

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