Hasta La Gadget!

I picked up the ringing phone the other day to hear these words from my friend’s mouth.

“I’ve got to do something about my brain,” she said plainly.

“Um, you could donate it to science,” I suggested, trying to be helpful.

“Well, yes,” she responded, “after I die.”

“Why wait that long?” I joked. “After all, how much do you really use it?”

We were laughing, but I knew exactly what she was talking about because I often feel the same way. I, too, need to do something about my brain, my brain that ruminates far too often, for far too long and leaves me stuck in long-ago places I don’t want to be. I swear if scientists removed the top of my head right now and took a look at my brain, there would be a deep groove worn in it from having thought the same self-defeating thoughts over and over (and over) again. Self-doubt and recrimination seem to be my default settings despite how much I focus on thinking positively. I read all the right books, follow all the right gurus and “like” every inspiring post on Facebook, and yet, some days, sometimes, I still revert to default and can think only of every mistake and misstep in my life.

Those who only know my outgoing, high-spirited side would probably be shocked to know how much energy I spend trying not to slide down the slippery slope of despair, grieving for all my real and imaginary crimes. Mild transgressions and errors in judgment that I wouldn’t dream of holding against someone else I see as unpardonable sins in myself. It seems to defy logic that I can so easily get myself up there on the hook, but find it completely impossible to let myself off it. When I’m in default mode I need someone else who can reach up with strong arms and gently unhook me from whatever rusty bit of regret or guilt from the past has snagged me and left me hanging. I need someone unafraid to wrest the distorted mirror out of my clenched hands and replace it with a clear one that reflects back a true image of who I am — an imperfect creature, full of flaws, yet eminently worthy and valuable.

That’s what my “brain friend” often does for me and I for her. (Note: At such times, it may appear to the untrained eye that we are just eating high-quality chocolate and/or frozen yogurt with sprinkles, but I assure you those two elements are key to establishing the proper therapeutic environment.) If you are among the rare few, those who never ever look back in longing, who never second guess so much as their choice of hot dog condiments, consider yourself generously blessed. From what I’ve seen, however, most of us do struggle with “woulda-coulda-shoulda” regrets from time to time. Most of us do need someone — a friend, a spouse, a counselor — to help pull our thoughts out of default. We need someone to help us broker a peace agreement with our past failings and put our focus on using the present to build a future we can someday look back on without regret.

If you are like me, someone with a natural inclination to self-blame and believe the best about everyone but yourself, you must fight extra hard to stay on-course with your thinking. Your brain friend can be there for you in your worst moments, but you have to take responsibility for yourself and your thoughts every day. Be honest with yourself. If you know that you find it hard to control negative thought patterns, then control your environment to eliminate as many triggers as possible. If a particular song or television show starts to pull you down, change the station. If a painful or troubling memory starts to replay in your mind, immediately short circuit it by doing something physical to distract yourself. Take a short walk, get a drink of water, file your nails. (If you’re a guy, I guess you could just clip them!) Then commit to consciously replacing each negative thought with a positive one about yourself, about the hope the future holds. You have the power to redirect your thoughts, but you must be firm with yourself and follow through.

It may seem unnatural and forced at first, but little by little, good thought by good thought, you can lay down a new track and create an entirely new default setting for your brain. With each positive thought, that new track will deepen and widen, and the old one, the one born of self-doubt and fear, will begin to fill in from neglect and lack of use. And that, I believe, is what’s called really being in the groove!

Photo: Ansonde via Depositphotos

This post originally appeared on leegaitan.com

One in four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime, and finding or remaining in safe, affordable housing is critical to surviving that trauma. Discriminatory housing policies often stand in the way of overcoming abusive relationships and finding a safe, healthy place to live. Ninety-five percent of domestic violence cases involve female victims of male partners, and every one of those women should have the right to choose where to live, without consideration of any domestic violence she has experienced. Current law protects victims of domestic violence to ensure they can find safe housing in the community they want to live in, but the Supreme Court is hearing a case this week that could overturn this law, putting these women and children at risk.

More than 60% of domestic violence incidents happen at home, and discriminatory policies that make remaining in affordable housing difficult for families that experience domestic violence are all too common. Many apartment leases contain provisions that threaten eviction under “zero-tolerance for violence” policies and rules that prohibit “any crime” or use of the dwelling for “unlawful or offensive purposes.” The obvious reason for these policies is to maintain the health and safety of rental communities, but an unintended consequence is that these policies threaten the survival of victims of domestic violence and their children. In fact, nationally, 11% of evictions involve victims of domestic violence who are evicted due to abuse.

In practice, women in rental housing who experience violence at the hands of their partners are faced with an impossible choice: call the police and be evicted, or submit to the abusive relationship. Many times, women do not even have that choice as the violence is witnessed or reported to police by neighbors or landlords. When faced with eviction, domestic violence survivors run the risk of homelessness and unemployment. Between 22 and 50 percent of homeless women report that their homelessness is a direct result of domestic violence, and in Minnesota 46 percent of homeless women reported they had stayed in abusive relationships in the past because they had nowhere to go. Studies suggest that as many as 27 percent of victims experience job loss directly resulting from domestic violence. According to reports, 47 percent of homeless school-aged children and a third of children under the age of five have witnessed domestic violence in their families.

The federal Fair Housing Act prohibits housing discrimination based on many factors, including gender and the presence of children in a family. Currently, victims of housing discrimination may bring a complaint when there is evidence that a housing provider intended to discriminate, or when a practice or policy that is not intentionally discriminatory has a negative, or “disparate,” impact on a particular group of people. The disparate impact provision of the Fair Housing Act has been used to protect women who are survivors of domestic violence and their children from housing discrimination. The disparate impact doctrine makes clear that landlords should choose policies that achieve their intended goals but that do not unfairly and unnecessarily harm women, families with children, and other people protected by the Fair Housing Act. Unfortunately, this very mechanism used to protect female survivors of domestic violence and their children is at risk in a case being heard before the Supreme Court on January 21.

The YWCA has a long tradition of supporting civil rights that empower women and eliminate racism. As the largest network of domestic violence shelters around the country serving nearly 1 million women and children annually, we are committed to supporting anti-violence policies and programs that protect survivors of domestic violence. In 2012, 46 percent of YWCAs provided supportive housing programs that benefited homeless women and their families, teen mothers, and those suffering from substance abuse or mental illness. Our shelters are places women can go to free themselves from abusive relationships, keep their children safe from their abusers, and transition into secure and independent living situations. We have advocated for the strongest protections for women and children, including those that defend against housing discrimination and the threat of homelessness. The Fair Housing Act contains a critical tool that helps keep women and their children safe from homelessness or from falling back into the hands of their abuser.

By eliminating the disparate impact provisions of the Fair Housing Act, the Supreme Court would be responsible for putting the lives of women and children who experience domestic violence back into the hands of danger. The YWCA strongly urges the Supreme Court to make the right decision and uphold the disparate impact provision of the Fair Housing Act.

With all of the computer card games and online gaming websites, it is amazing that the plain old standard deck of playing cards still exists. But there are things that playing cards in person can’t be done on the computer — like bluffing and reading tells. So how do you update cards for life in the modern world? Make them bullet-proof of course.

It’s an inviolable rule of the internet that if you provide people with a place to type words in public, chaos will follow close behind. Nowhere is this more true than the Amazon Gold Box forum, one of the internet’s more delightful clearinghouses of crazy.

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I’m not the morality police over here, but I’m just gonna go ahead and say that people should not scam each other. Think of a scam free world! We would be free to trust unlucky Nigerian princes and Publisher’s Clearing House. So, first of all: Don’t rip people off. It’s rude. But if you were going to perpetuate a scam, crowdfunding platform GoFundMe is a great way to do so.

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