Overcoming Writer's Block: The Three Catalysts to Boost Your Writing Productivity and Performance

Spring has sprung, which means it’s time to sow the seeds that with care and watering will grow into your very own field of dreams. The time is now. Don’t wait, just do.

How do you focus your watering can on the seeds that will sprout a book that can grow?

I’ve failed on multiple projects. Some were bad ideas, some were executed terribly, some didn’t even get out of my head, and some of those that did were only partially implemented.

When I fail to meet my expectations, it crushes my confidence. Every time I failed, I felt like I was just a few minutes too late.

It’s like waiting until the last minute to ask my dream date to the prom, only to find out she already said yes to someone else. A moment late is forever lost, so carpe diem – seize the day!

One last thing before I share the three catalysts that will boost your writing productivity and performance during your work sessions. I don’t want you to think this article is me preaching from a pedestal about how I know the right way to do things and you need to do what I say.

All I’m doing here is expressing how right now in my life I feel more alive, inspired, and focused than ever before. I can trace that back to 3 catalysts in my work sessions.

Catalyst #1: Habitat

Where you work is the most important factor affecting your writing performance and productivity. I once heard Roger Hamilton say, “Your environment is everything. Even the most talkative person is quiet in a library. It’s the same reason you wouldn’t read a book in a night club.” Environment dictates behavior.

That resonated deeply with me. It’s about creating a space where your body knows what to do on a subconscious and psychological level. Knowing how to enter these states in specific spaces is pure power.

I have multiple spaces for different ways of being.

Creative space

This space is open, with lots of windows and a vibe of freedom. I come to this space to write, plan, and create. It is my favorite space. I love creating, and I make sure I visit this space at least once each day.

Analytical space

The next space I have is for analytics and hard numbers. This space is only for that. I reflect on the figures from the previous day, week, or month depending on the task. I realign efforts if I’ve gotten off-track. Nobody but me knows where this space is. I don’t bring my phone. I turn off the Internet and I dive in.

Energy Space

The last space is my energy space. This is how I sustain inspiration. This room has a vision board, natural sunlight everywhere, scant furniture, and lots of pillows. In this space I re-align with my purpose, my intent, the big WHY for all the work I do. In this space I journal, meditate, hangout with friends, listen to music, dance, and basically re-connect with the kid I have always been. This allows me to go into my other two spaces feeling free and light.

Catalyst #2: Habit

Thousands and thousands of articles have been written about habits, so I won’t self-righteously tell you what works and what doesn’t.

Richard Branson wakes up at 5:45 a.m., and Apple’s CEO, Tim Cook, wakes up around 4:00 a.m.

Warren Buffett, Arianna Huffington, and Bill Gates all aim for around 7 hours of sleep each night, as does Jeff Bezos, founder and CEO of Amazon.

Habits need to be tailored.

Observing all of these individuals, you will come to realize they all have a rhythm; a daily routine they stick to. These are consistent actions they’ve been using for most of their lives.

They each have certain routines in the AM, and focuses throughout the day that keep them energized and inspired.

The only two personal points I want to cover are:

A. The #1 mistake I make in forming habits.

B. The #1 technique I use that, when implemented, has tremendous consequences in habit success for me.

My mistake is I try to establish more than one habit at the same time.

Let’s say I want to wake up earlier, write more each day, and spend more time exercising. That’s three different habits I’m trying to make happen all at the same time.

The usual result is that I spend two weeks in a vicious cycle of failing at two out of three, taking turns on which one I fail at. I inevitably end up feeling like… a failure.

Failure is such a crappy feeling, which leads me to my next point.

It wasn’t that I was a failure; it was that my strategy was failing.

What I did next was add just one habit at a time. After 14 days I found that the habit was embedded and I had more control. Subsequently, I was able to add another habit.

I once heard if you try to push two balls up a hill, both will end up rolling back down. This was a great analogy for my old habit formation method.

Overall, habits are all about consistency.

Catalyst #3: Hacks

A hack is a quick energy boost. Most people accomplish this by drinking coffee, which is a timeless hack. Here’s a list of hacks I use to improve my writing productivity and performance:

A) Music.

When I write I listen to the same song for the whole duration. It keeps me focused. I begin to write to the beat. I even create a rhythm with the beat. It’s almost like some kind of trance state.

B) Pomodoro Technique.

A pomodoro timer is a great way to create intense work sessions. This is great for individuals with lots of responsibilities.

Set a timer for 25 minutes. Focus on your most important task.

When the timer goes off, stop for 5-10 minutes. Use this time to relax, grab a drink of water (or coffee), send an email, or anything else you can fit into that amount of time.

C) Objective List.

Write all the objectives you want to achieve during the week, then write the three actions you need to do to make each one happen.

Keep the actions to just three. Keep your objective list small as well, otherwise you’ll be setting yourself up for failure.

As you tackle these short lists of objectives and actions you’ll feel accomplished, which will boost your confidence, and then you’ll approach your work in a better spirit.

A big fat list can leave you feeling pretty small. Nobody wants to feel small.

D) Approach Fear.

Each and every day I try do something I fear – every single day. Why? It gets my heart beating and reminds me I’m alive. I love feeling alive.

Approaching fear is the only chance we have to put our heart into our work. It’s the only chance you have to do what you love, literally.

The time is now. Any other moment is too late.

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'Fifty Shades Darker' Teaser Previews A Thriller

The first teaser for “Fifty Shades Darker” debuts on the Blu-ray version of “Fifty Shades of Grey,” which is available May 8, and features a creepy masked version of Christian Grey. Earlier this week, Universal chairman Donna Langley revealed that the sequel will be “more of a thriller” than the first film, which sounds just great if you weren’t horrified by Grey the first time around. “Fifty Shades Darker” hits theaters Feb. 10, 2017.

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Should the NLRB Mediate LA's Equity Wars?

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It may be time for the National Labor Relations Board to step in and mediate LA’s “99-seat theater wars.” This is especially urgent since Actors Equity may have violated both the National Labor Relations Act and numerous court decisions that require the union to exercise the “duty of fair representation.” In light of the actions of Equity leadership and its National Council, there now appear to be several ways that Equity is vulnerable to NLRB sanctions.

Since the 1980’s, there has been a court-ordered settlement agreement that put LA’s 99-seat theater plan in place. Absent any further action by a court, this settlement is legally binding on Equity and cannot be changed without court oversight. On its face, Equity’s decision to unilaterally revamp the settlement agreement appears to be a violation of the court’s order that has been the controlling law for more than thirty years.

In addition, sections of the National Labor Relations Act — specifically Section 8(b)(1)(A) — impose a duty on unions to “fairly represent employees” and prohibit the union from acting “arbitrarily, discriminatorily, or in bad faith.” The “duty of fair representation” has been widely embraced by courts in a variety of cases, including instances of discrimination or unfair treatment of any group of union members. Evidence of arbitrary, discriminatory or bad faith representation has included failure to disclose material facts, misrepresentation or bad faith in contract negotiations. When two-thirds of the voting membership in LA cast their ballots against the union’s 99-seat proposal, there is at least a prima facie case of a breach of the duty of fair representation.

Equity is apparently hoping to fend off legal action – either by the NLRB or in a lawsuit by union members – by employing the time-honored tactic of divide and conquer. The union’s Executive Director has sent an email to membership proposing the establishment of “committees” to discuss the plan and to arrange separate meetings with groups of union members and producers. While this may seem like extending an olive branch, it is simply an attempt to grind down the opposition and circumvent what are the legal requirements of fair representation by the union.

The NLRB will act only if it receives complaints of unfair representation from individual union members. Even then, it may decide not to enter the fray. At that point, it will be up to the courts to decide whether the union has violated the NLRA and court ruling in the settlement agreement. Unfortunately, that will be a much longer and more expensive process for both the union and its members, and will result in further damage to the LA theater scene, which has already been torn apart by this latest installment in the “Equity wars.”

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Want Less Partisanship? Change Who Draws the Lines

Should voters elect their representatives, or should politicians choose their voters?

While this may seem like a ridiculous question, it is time to think critically about redistricting — the re-drawing of legislative districts. The legality of independent commissions drawing district lines is being questioned, and it is time to think critically about how our election districts are drawn.

At the heart of the problem is an age-old practice in the United States: Gerrymandering. Elbridge Gerry, Governor of Massachusetts in the early nineteenth century, oversaw a redrawing of election districts to favor his own party, the Democratic-Republicans, over his opponents, the Federalists. The result was a salamander-shaped district that was nicknamed “Gerry’s Salamander.” Today, with the power of rich datasets about potential voters and sophisticated computing algorithms, gerrymandering has taken on a new face, and the implications are severe.

In a representative democracy, citizens vote for their preferred candidate to represent their interests in the legislature. Districts are taken as given. But in most states, the legislators themselves can creatively draw districts that yield their desired outcome — this is akin to the politicians choosing their constituents. When districts are uncompetitive, elected officials can take extreme stances without worrying about the consequences in the next election. Members of both parties take more extreme stances, and the end result is an increase in polarization.

If I were a politician drawing legislative districts, I would try to minimize the number of seats that the opposition party would win. An effective way to do that is to “pack” the opposition into a handful of districts that are highly concentrated with their supporters. Similarly, I would also want the districts for my party to be “safe” (but not too safe — I would spread out our own supporters over many districts). I might also take advantage of redistricting to protect an embattled colleague, or I might ensure that an incumbent from the opposition party loses the next election. This is gerrymandering in a nutshell.

Alternatively, districts could be drawn not by a political party, but instead by an independent, nonpartisan commission. Some states have moved to more “neutral” methods of redistricting, but that is being challenged. Last month, the Supreme Court heard Arizona State Legislature v. Arizona Independent Redistricting Commission, which challenges the legality of independent redistricting panels. At the same time, a new bill has been introduced in Congress that would require states to use independent panels in the redistricting process (H.R. 1347: John Tanner Fairness and Independence in Redistricting Act).

Polarization has been increasing over time, and it is difficult to pin down its root causes. However, as an interesting example, one could look to California, which has seen an interesting quasi-experiment over the past half-century. In the 1960s, 1980s and 2000s, districts were drawn by the Democratic legislature. In the 1970s and 1990s, due to two political impasses with Republican governors, districts were drawn by panels of retired judges. (The most recent set of districts was drawn by an independent commission, as a result of Proposition 20.) Comparing districts before and after each redistricting, it is clear that gerrymandered districts are less competitive and that the legislature is more polarized than when districts are drawn by independent panels.

My research (and that of many other scholars) has shown that the districts created by legislators are generally uncompetitive. As a result, when a political party has secure control over a district, that legislator is free to take extreme positions in her roll-call votes. Democrats can move to the left, and Republicans can move to the right. The result is political polarization. Both parties have incentives to take extreme stances in their voting behavior, and since the controlling party gets to redraw districts after the next census, that gridlock will likely persist.

What type of district would be best for a representative democracy? Districts drawn by the politicians themselves, or districts drawn independently according to an objective set of criteria? Given the political gridlock in Congress, where the two parties seem incapable of governing, it is time to reconsider how their election districts are drawn. The gerrymander has survived for two centuries, and it is time to put it to rest.

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The New Whitney: Celebrating the Importance of the Present

The following are remarks as delivered at the opening ceremony for the new Whitney Museum of American Art on Gansevoort Street, Manhattan. The full video of the opening ceremony can be streamed here, and video excerpts and transcripts of the remarks are available here.

Welcome to the Whitney Museum of American Art. We are greatly, greatly honored to have The First Lady of the United States, Michelle Obama, here with us this morning. Thank you so much. And thank you, Mayor de Blasio, of the City of New York, with us today to dedicate our new building.

The Whitney Museum originated over a century ago just blocks from here in Greenwich Village. It began in MacDougal Alley, the studio of Gertrude Vanderbilt Whitney — an artist and an heiress of America’s wealthiest family; there she hosted salons for artists, exhibited and purchased their work and encouraged their aspirations. Her support of artists was not so much born of her success but of her doubts, insecurities, and struggles and the profound awareness that artists — daresay more gifted artists — had far greater challenges than she. She believed that great art and great artists have the responsibility to lead the public to greater insight and more effective thought.

Gertrude’s growth as a person, a woman, and an artist were parallel journeys that ultimately led to the creation of this singular museum, the embodiment of who she was and who she hoped to be.

As her biographer wrote, “in addition to expressing herself in… sculpture she expressed herself in patronage.” Mrs. Whitney sponsored artists, exhibitions, publications, arts programs for poor immigrants at settlement houses, and so much more. She found herself in giving back to others. And, her ultimate, lasting gift was the museum she established in 1930.

Since then her legacy has been passionately carried on by subsequent generations of visionary Whitney women, including her granddaughter Flora Miller Biddle and her great granddaughter Fiona Donovan.

In recent days, a word that has come up often with visitors and critics to describe the design of this magnificent Renzo Piano building is “generous”: meaning not only that it is generous in space for art of all descriptions, but it also unfolds to the city, is welcoming to the public, respectful to the neighborhood, airy, open, light but comfortable and warm.

Our architect, Renzo Piano, has done an extraordinary job merging the private with the civic: creating spaces that reaffirm one’s humanity through scale and material. He has connected the world of art within, with the experience of the world without–making room for contemplation of art, and of life. In short, in collaboration with the talented, generous, and missionary staff of the Whitney Museum — notable among them Donna De Salvo our Deputy Director for Programs and Chief Curator–they have created a museum that exemplifies and furthers Gertrude’s vision of a home for contemporary art and artists–remembering that even historical works on view were contemporary in their time and, presented effectively as the curatorial staff has done here today, can be as potent as the day they were made.

As my predecessor, Lloyd Goodrich, wrote at the time of the dedication of the Whitney Museum on 75th Street in 1966, presided over by Gertrude Vanderbilt Whitney’s daughter Flora Miller and First Lady Jackie Kennedy, “The museum should never forget that the source of art is the artist; it should respect his individuality and not impose a own viewpoint on him or her. It should always welcome the young and the innovator. Recognizing the diversity of contemporary art, it should represent all creative tendencies. It should eschew a narrow definition of ‘American’, disregarding foreign birth or citizenship and accepting as American any artist resident in this country.”

The Whitney has always believed in the importance of the present. The capacity for artists to act in and effect the life of our times, to alter perceptions in such ways that might enable one to change the course of history. The following words of President Barack Obama are words that Gertrude Vanderbilt Whitney and the artists we champion would embrace: “Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.”

The Whitney Museum believes deeply in these words, before they were ever spoken. This too is our creed, to serve as a platform for artists who affirm that the world that we see and experience today is not all there is and not all that can be. New worlds can be imagined and created, as President Barack Obama said, now and in this time. We are here for those artists as they are here for us. Our new home was designed for, and is now re-consecrated in this belief. This is our gift to our city, our nation, and the world as it was Gertrude Vanderbilt Whitney’s in her time.

The gift was made possible by so many, particularly the Board of Trustees of the Whitney Museum, led by Bob Hurst, Brooke Neidich, and Neil Bluhm. They, and many generous individuals, believed when others said it could not be done, persevered when the obstacles appeared, and supported when others were hesitant to give, and trust me they were. All of us here today, and those who will visit for decades to come, can be grateful to these extraordinary people.
Now it is my great pleasure to introduce Mayor Bill de Blasio.

Mayor de Blasio is committed to leaving a lasting arts legacy in this City. Last summer and not long after entering office, the Mayor stood proud with Comptroller Stringer and Schools Chancellor Farina to announce a $23 million increase in arts education support for NYC public schools. Bravo. Mayor de Blasio said: “We want every child to feel the spark that comes from learning something they are passionate about. And so often, it’s taking up an instrument, honing an artistic craft, or performing for the first time that helps a young person come into their own.”

And I see so many young people out there today. We are fortunate to have a Mayor who shares our belief that art is a right, not a privilege. Thank you.

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What's a Woman Worth? How I Discovered My Value

Many years ago, I knew a woman who was a total rockstar at the office and on track for a major promotion — her second in just four years with this particular company. She had been on maternity leave earlier that year, but knew that wouldn’t be a consideration. After all, the company encouraged and valued women — the CEO was a female with her own family, and this woman’s direct boss was a working mother who herself had been promoted to partner while on maternity leave.

The woman I’m speaking of had returned to the office from maternity leave many months prior to the promotion window, and had been working her tail off since. Plus, while the other working moms only spent three days in the office (including her boss who had made partner while on maternity leave), this woman purposefully chose to work four days in the office and one day “off” (if you’re a working mother, insert hysterical laughing here), knowing that this would help secure her promotion. She felt certain that her rockstar performance, continued dedication, extra day in the office, and just plain hard work were sufficient to demonstrate that the promotion would be hers. Plus, everyone really “liked” her.

As the promotion and review period came, she sat down with her bosses (yes, including the part-time working mother partner too) to hear the good news. When it was not delivered and, worse than that, she realized a man in the office had been promoted instead, devastation set in. Like too many other instances leading up to that point in her academic and professional life, she had been one-upped by a man.

That woman was me.

It has been years since I revisited the dreaded promotion incident. But, recently, I was lucky enough to stumble upon Mika Brzezinski’s Know Your Value movement and selected by her to compete for a Grow Your Value bonus. Once selected, I immediately ran out to get her book (I had never read it before — our secret) and the promotion incident popped right back into my mind more than a decade later.

Here’s what I discovered.

I made a big mistake with regard to the promotion incident. I failed to communicate to anyone that I thought I should be promoted. I sat at my desk (working my ass off — late nights, early mornings, all nighters in some cases — with a teeny tiny baby at home), knowing that, by simple demonstration of my sheer brilliance and hard work, the promotion would be MINE. What did the guy who got promoted do? He went around to all the decision makers in the office and made it very clear why he thought he should be promoted. And, I think he made it home for dinner most nights while doing so. Right there, my mistake.

In hindsight, over my past 39 years, what I’ve truly discovered is that it took a breast cancer diagnosis for me to actually realize my own value and my own worth. Here’s the most important lesson I’ve learned so far:

Knowing your value means knowing what you value most. It’s really about where you place your own worth — not where others think you should place it — and standing up for that, owning it — and knowing its marketplace value, too.

Upon hearing those dreadful words — you’ve got cancer, for the first time in my life, I truly advocated for myself. I raised my hand. I spoke up at the table. Granted, it was a doctor’s examining table, but there I was with a crap ton of questions, demands and my own research. Because the thing I valued most — simply to be alive long enough to grow old with the man who supports me unconditionally, to walk my kids to their first days of kindergarten, to celebrate their graduations and weddings, and to rock my grandchildren to sleep — all of those things that were stolen from my own mother because of this same disease, were suddenly in their hands. But, I realized, they were in my hands too.

I grew up during a time when one fundamental premise was instilled in us as girls — YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL! But, the truth was, having it all was killing me — quite literally. My body could not handle the constant stress and exhaustion of balancing a fast-paced career and a growing family, now with two little guys and one big one at home.

HAVING IT ALL sucked. Instead, I needed to HAVE MY ALL. Where I define what is important to me and from where I draw my personal worth, all the while knowing full well how the market defines that worth and acknowledging that they may differ.

And, most days, that’s what I have. MY ALL. It’s not always roses and sunshine. Sometimes, I fail. Often, I struggle. Sometimes, I’m unhappy. Sometimes, I’m grumpy. But, I know from where I derive my own self worth and the value placed on it. I know those things that are most important to me. I have a voice and I use it.

So, why am I telling you this? NEWSFLASH: Don’t wait until your mortality is staring you in the face to discover what it is most important to you and makes you whole. Think hard about what having your all means to you. Then, go get it with intention. Once you do, your own value — as a friend, a wife, a mother, a sister, a professional — will be obvious and you will live it every single day.

P.S. Yes, I did get that promotion. The very next promotion period after the “incident,” when it was glaringly obvious to EVERYONE that I wanted it. I’ve also walked both my little boys to their first days of kindergarten. Check. Check.

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Déjà Vu Hell: 1968 Baltimore Riots Revisited

Like many Americans sleep would not come on Monday night. Each time I tried to rest I found myself once again in front of the television set, watching the horror and suffering in Kathmandu, Napal, due to a devastating earthquake, as well as shocks closer to home, ones that felt like Déjà Vu from Hell.

I have lived in Philadelphia since 1964, and when I am asked where I live, the answer is easy. It is, of course, Philadelphia. But when I am asked where I am from, my response is always Baltimore. Although I no longer have close family living there, many wonderful friends would never dream of leaving. And I remain deeply invested in my Baltimore alma mater, Goucher College. Once again, as in 1968, I watched as rioting, fires, and looting destroyed parts of my beloved hometown. Once again National Guards stood on my, our, streets.

The 1968 Baltimore riots lasted from April 6 to April 14. As most who read this blog know so well, the immediate cause was the April 4th Memphis murder of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. This tragedy led to riots in 125 cities across the United States. The present Baltimore rioting, as is also known, began following the funeral of 25-year-old Freddie Gray, who died in police custody for reasons still questioned.

No doubt, the area impaired by riots will suffer the most intensely from this present devastation, one that will intensify their very difficult challenges. One-third of those whose neighborhoods have been burned and looted live in poverty. The average unemployment rate in this area is twice as high as the city’s average. Half of the households earn less than $25,000 a year, and deadly violence is pervasive. But I know all too well that there will also be expansive ripples of pain and depletion experienced by others for myriad reasons, both economic and psychological. They will rarely speak of their loss, and even their shame. Both will remain largely invisible to almost all who know them.

On April 10, 1968, my birthday, eight months pregnant with my first child, I stood in front of my father’s former fuel oil business, begun by his father. It had been scorched and burned, destroyed. Only a few rooms, charred in smoke, remained. The accounts receivable were gone. The trucks that delivered fuel oil were demolished. Above the heads of the members of the National Guard lining Arlington Avenue was a large neon sign, with a moving Major, that read Major Oil Company.

The 1968 riots erupted in the black neighborhoods in East and West Baltimore. Most of the businesses destroyed were located on commercial neighborhood streets owned by Jewish families. In these neighborhoods, conditions were, as in areas hit today, problematic and dangerous. Unemployment was more than double the national rate. There was also substandard housing, high rates of infant mortality and high crime rates.

Throughout Baltimore the disgraceful Jim Crow laws were observed. Blacks could not drink from white public water fountains or enter most stores, restaurants, or theaters, and rode at the back of the bus. There were large signs as one entered certain neighborhoods, as well as at the entrances of many stores, restaurants, clubs and pools that read, “No Jews, Negroes or Dogs.”

The majority of my father’s customers lived far from the neighborhood that was brutalized. He had always been generous to his neighbors, providing gifts to churches and charities and oil for heating for many, many neighborhood families, knowing bills could never be paid. I remember anguished calls for heat coming to our home in the middle of the night, ones my father responded to immediately. This did not matter to the rioters, many of whom were from other areas. My dad had purchased every conceivable type of insurance, but if riot insurance was even available, he did not have it. Our beloved Rabbi, Dr. Uri Miller, urged him to declare bankruptcy, but he adamantly refused.

My parents sold their comfortable home and most valued possessions, so important to my beautiful, elegant mother. They cashed in their savings and met their financial responsibilities. As soon as they were able, they moved to a very small apartment in a decidedly unstylish Florida neighborhood, my father believing he had failed his father, his wife, and had disgraced his family. Both of my parents found jobs, my mother for the first time since her marriage. My father never wanted to return to Baltimore, but he returned once to keep his promise to my mother and bury her there. Several years later he was buried beside her.

My dad experienced further disgrace that I was never able to help him remove. When my two daughters were young, divorce became necessary in my life. My father never understood or forgave me for what he viewed as a failure as grave as his own. I believe that his loss and shame so devastated him that compassion for me became impossible.

Today, in the early morning, I watched as, despite ongoing danger, brave citizens of my hometown, along with their children and grandchildren, determined to build again. As they cleaned up their streets and neighborhoods with hope, love and fortitude, I pictured my parents in happier times meeting my very little girls and me at the Baltimore train station for a much-anticipated visit. I could clearly imagine them at the top of the designated arrival stairs, smiling broadly, as each granddaughter leaped into their outstretched arms. As this happened in my mind’s eye, I also pictured the large neon blinking sign with the major in positive motion, despite all.

My father, having done his best, walked away from his wrecked professional heritage as soon as he could pay his outstanding bills. The sign, amazingly with lights and marching intact, was left behind. To me, today, it seems a symbol of hope and endurance bravely expressed by many of those who will forever remain my loved ones and my Baltimore neighbors and fellow citizens.

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Grieving My Brother's Death in Sobriety

Three years ago this week, I received a phone call that changed my world as I knew it forever. It was my dad calling around 3 p.m. on a Sunday afternoon. After what seemed like hours (but was probably a minute or two) of listening to him in hysterics trying to put together a sentence to let me know what had happened, he did: “Your brother,” he said. “He’s gone.”

In walked denial, numbness and shock. The first stage of grief.

Up to until then, I had spent 32 years waking up morning after morning taking for granted that life goes on. I woke up each morning believing that we and the ones we love will live forever. And on April 22, 2012, that changed with a phone call from my father telling me that my brother, who was 29 years old, had died from an accidental overdose from a fentanyl patch.

I had not been drinking this particular Sunday, which was unheard of for me. I can’t remember a Sunday prior to this that you wouldn’t have found me at a local terrace café that offered bottomless mimosas for $10. I was usually in a blackout by 3 p.m., but this day I didn’t go and I hadn’t been drinking.

I remember sitting on my couch and feeling so helpless. I was convinced that there had to be a mistake. I went outside and fell to the ground. As odd as it may sound, I just needed to be connected to something. I wanted to cry but the tears weren’t there, so I screamed. I couldn’t process the news. Just because somebody calls and tell you that your brother has died doesn’t make it real. I had just talked to him a couple days prior. We were planning on taking our nephew to a NBA game and decided to wait to do it another weekend. And as much as I didn’t want to believe what my dad had told me, I knew that it was true. I just didn’t know how to process that. I couldn’t wrap my head around what life without my brother looked like.

I wasn’t sure what I was going to need to pack or how long I would be at my parents’ house, but what I knew for certain was that I needed every ounce of alcohol that I had in my house to get me through. I found a cardboard box and packed everything I had, including a six-pack of Modelos, a few Blue Moons, half a dozen bottles of wine and all the half empty bottles of liquor that had been left over from parties. I remember looking at all of it, thinking I needed more and wondering how I was going to get it. I think my supply lasted me a couple of days and then I relied on friends to bring more throughout the week.

I started drinking around 8 p.m. that night and didn’t stop for 49 days. That’s when I finally landed in rehab. I had cried a lot over the course of those 49 days, but it was all through a drunken fog, and I would typically just drink more to pass out when the pain was unbearable. I knew I was an alcoholic and had known that for years, but my brother’s death gave me every excuse I had ever wanted to drink like I wanted to and that’s exactly what I did.

It wasn’t until rehab, when I could no longer turn to alcohol as my solution, that I really started to grieve my brother’s death. I had so many emotions going on in my head and I didn’t have anything to put into my body to escape or numb those feelings. I don’t think I have ever felt more uncomfortable in my entire life.

My first year in sobriety was a year of a lot of firsts. Everything I experienced sober for the first time, I was also experiencing it without my brother for the first time and trying to navigate my way through the grief process. Birthdays, holidays, family vacations and even simple family dinners were difficult. I had been drunk at all of these things for years and they were all reminders that my brother wasn’t there.

Looking back, I honestly don’t know how I made it through that first year without picking up a drink. What I remember from that first year was being uncomfortable… a lot. I sat with all that uncomfortableness and felt things and allowed myself to feel for the first time. I cried a lot. I slept a lot. I ate a lot of Krispy Kreme donuts. I got to know myself. I got to know others. I learned to accept help from people who care about me. I stopped beating myself up for having feelings. I learned that life isn’t always good, but it also isn’t always bad. There are good days and there are bad days but I don’t have to drink for either of them. Feelings won’t kill me but drugs and alcohol will.

Navigating sobriety and grief can be tricky. My alcoholism can mask itself as grief and that’s something I have to be aware of. I can’t predict when grief is going to show back up in my life or when new grief is going to come my way. There is always a bitter sweetness moving forward after such a loss, but in my experience being sober and navigating grief is a whole hell of a lot better than drinking it away.

I don’t take for granted that the people I love are going to be here forever. My brother’s absence is a constant reminder of that. My life has changed and it will never be the same, but sobriety gives me the opportunity to live my life in such a manner that my regrets are fewer and my love is bigger. I sat in denial and anger for 49 days with nothing but alcohol to keep me company. Finding acceptance has been key in dealing with sobriety and with grief. I don’t always have to like aspects of either, but I have to find acceptance in both to move forward and that is exactly what I have done.

Over the past three years, Grief and I have developed a friendship of sorts. She is always there… sometimes all up in my business and other times sitting quietly in the background. She has become a part of my life. And when you spend as much time with her as I have, you start to understand and appreciate her. She reminds me of how much I love and miss my brother. She reminds me of what is really important in life. Sometimes I hate her and sometimes I love her. She has taught me so much about who I am and just how strong I am. She has shown me how to survive and live without someone that I love so dearly. She can be ugly and messy and graceful and beautiful all at the same time. She is unpredictable and will show up when you least expect it. She zigs when you think she is going to zag. She’s patient and feisty and persistent. Sometimes she overstays her welcome and other times I miss her dearly. There is a peace when she leaves but I know she will be back. And when she shows back up, I will greet her with open arms because she always leaves me a little stronger yet a little softer from my time spent with her.

Originally posted on After Party Magazine

Need help with substance abuse or mental health issues? In the U.S., call 800-662-HELP (4357) for the SAMHSA National Helpline.

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Skip the Crowds: Peak Days to Avoid at Disney World (and When to Go!)

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Walt Disney World Resort (Flick: Atiq Nazri)

If you’re planning a trip to Walt Disney World with the kids and want to make sure you go during a good time of the year – meaning less crowds and more deals are available – it’s important to do your homework before you book. Knowing peak and off-peak periods will not only add value to your trip, it will also add to your increased sanity since you will be saving both time and money.

When you go to Disney is key to having a good time and getting the most for your money. With more time and money to spend, you and your kids will ride more rides and spend time doing exactly what you came to Disney to do: have genuine, family-friendly fun.

Peak Season to Avoid

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Disney World at Christmas (Flick: Atiq Nazri)

Avoid holidays. Avoid the weeks that include and surround holidays, particularly Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Year’s, Easter, Martin Luther King Day weekend, President’s Day and the week before Labor Day. The thick crowds during the holidays will make lines and waiting periods much longer than during off-peak periods.

Avoid school breaks. Try not to book your trip during school breaks. If you are the type of parent that will allow your children to take off time outside designated school breaks or if you’re close enough to Orlando for a weekend getaway, your flexibility – and wallet – will go a long way. The parks push down room prices during low-occupancy or off-peak periods.

Off-Peak Seasons

So now are you wondering what the best times of year are to visit Disney? Remember, avoid holidays and school vacations and here’s what you get:

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Ride at Disney World (Flick: Atiq Nazri)

January, after New Year’s Day week, except MLK weekend, until President’s Day. Wait until winter break ends and head to the parks. You’ll save time in lines and on hotel rooms pricing. Just be sure to check for ride closures, as some rides are likely to be closed for repairs between early January and mid-February.

The week after Labor Day until Thanksgiving – most of the fall season. Just bear in mind that this is during hurricane season and the temperatures are high.

Between Thanksgiving and Christmas. The crowds are also moderate between Thanksgiving until Christmas, and the holiday decorations the park will be putting up are spectacular.

After spring break. The first three weeks of May before Memorial Day and summertime are also less busy. You will also benefit from Florida’s fabulous weather and Epcot’s International Flower and Garden Festival.

Hurricane season. Hurricane season goes from the beginning of June to the end of November, so prices may be lower as a result, but you will definitely benefit from the lighter crowds as some people won’t give being there during hurricane season a second thought.

Holly Rosen Fink of The Culture Mom contributed this to MiniTime. She is the founder of Pivoting Media who blogs about her love of culture and travel.

More from MiniTime:
Summer in the Caribbean: 4 Enticing Deals for Families
Sunny Offers for Endless Days of Summer
How to Create the Perfect Disney World/Orlando Vacation for the Whole Family
How to Make the Most of Your Disneyland Getaway

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Confessions of a Serial Songwriter: (Not So) Gently Down the Stream

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If you’ve been in the songwriting business for more that a few years, you’ve undoubtedly seen your royalty statements fizzle so I’m sure this statement will make you crazy: Spotify is worth more than the entire U.S. music industry.

Whaaaat? How can that possibly be? Apparently, it’s true.

You must have noticed that some big name songwriters have been publicly disclosing how little they are being paid from the streaming of their hit songs. For example, Linda Perry has reported receiving $350 from Pandora for 12 million streams of Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful.”

Pharrell Williams claims to have made less than $3000 for 43 million Pandora streams.

The list goes on. It gets longer every day. And that’s a good thing. Because people need to know. Are we all tired of hearing about it? Yes. But we can’t ignore the problem. The time to deal with it is now. Now is crucial. Here’s why:

Back in the 1940s, laws were put into place that protected the way songwriters were paid when their music was played on established platforms such as commercial radio and for the sale of physical recordings. No one could have imagined the digital age that is upon us. But 70 years later it’s in full swing and commercial music streaming services have found a way to take advantage of those outdated laws to justify paying songwriters (and composers) rates that are painfully below fair market value. Sadly, at the moment, this is not illegal.

Spotify and Pandora have become multi-billion dollar corporations on the backs of songwriters, the very people ironically, who make it possible for them to exist in the first place… the people who produce the product that they sell.

Because there are other means by which to earn income (terrestrial radio, advertising, TV and film synchronization fees), it is not impossible for a songwriter to land a substantial pay day from a huge hit record. But the majority of American songwriters haven’t written (and may never write) a “Happy” or a “Beautiful.” (Though you know we’ll keep trying.) Thing is, anyone making a contribution to the music the world enjoys deserves to be paid for it. Because music has value. Or has that idea been forgotten in the fog of digital?

Don’t get me wrong. I am not so old school that I don’t realize the streaming of music is the best thing since sliced bread (except for the gel manicure). It’s versatile, practical, convenient and immediate. It allows us to stumble upon new artists we might not have discovered otherwise.

But make no mistake: streaming is going to continue to cut into more and more revenue from formats that still generate any dependable income for songwriters.

Contributing to the offense are free ad supported subscription services. But even if everyone and their mothers (and fathers and brothers) agreed to subscribe to a paid tier, it would not make that much of a difference in the ability of most American songwriters to earn a living. Why? Because the rate per streamed song is so abominably low (fractions of a penny–which then has to be divided between all co-writers and publishers), even doubling it wouldn’t be enough.

Streaming isn’t the enemy. The enemy is the outdated laws.

The rates that songwriters are paid for their content must be adjusted so they reflect how music is consumed in the digital age, not the stone age.

It’s not going to be easy. There are powerful businesses out there–ones who have financial interest in maintaining the status quo–who are lobbying hard to keep the quo status.

There is hope, however. The U.S. Copyright Office released its Copyright and the Music Marketplace Report setting forth many suggestions for reforming outdated royalty rates and practices. In the next few months The Department of Justice will consider major overhauls in the antiquated system. This is good. But we can’t take anything for granted. Again, remember the lobbyists!

So… we are galvanizing; On the east coast is the CMC (Council of Music Creators) and on the west is the newly forming SoLab (The Songwriter Lab). Hopefully before long, there will be “hotspots” in between. Sure, there are plenty of notable organizations that have offered to speak on our behalf, but it will serves us best to speak for ourselves and represent our own unique perspective and interests.

Everybody’s voice counts. If you are a songwriter or a composer or know someone who is, there is no time to waste.

The ship is sailing quickly but we can still take some control over which direction it goes. Get on board and grab an oar. Read and sign this letter to the Department of Justice. “There is no music business without the songs themselves, and if the industry continues down its current path, our country is at a high risk of losing this essential, irreplaceable resource.” You.

2015-04-29-1430321008-935262-IMG_36571.jpgGalvanizing in Los Angeles: Michelle Lewis, Jack Kugell, Helen Muddiman, Chris Horvath, Michael Smidi Smith, Kay Hanley, Shelly Peiken

http://www.shellypeiken.com/
facebook.com/serialsongwriter

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