Hasta La Gadget!

First of all I want to make it perfectly clear that I don’t like the word “fart.” I’m a southerner from the Bible belt and my mother raised me to believe it was a dirty word. We were instructed instead to use the word “poot” and until I went away to college I thought that only crude people used the word fart.

The first time I told my college roommates they should not say fart they looked at me like I had three eyes. “I’m serious,” I said. “Ladies don’t fart. They poot.” 

They burst out laughing and immediately ran down the dorm hall shouting loudly, “Ladies don’t fart! They poot!” 

I got the message. If I wanted to be cool I had to say fart so I added it to my vocabulary, but only with my friends. Never, ever would I have said it in front of my parents.

The Mom Years

Years later after I married and we had children I tried to teach my kids the same flatulence terminology my mother had taught me. They could say “breaking wind” or “poot” but the F word was forbidden (both of them). That worked for awhile.

One night I was late getting home from the school where I taught and my husband had fed the children their supper. They had dined on a nutritious meal of hotdogs and beans. Just as I walked through the door I heard my little darlings chanting,

‘Beans, beans, they’re good for your heart
The more you eat, the more you fart
The more you fart, the better you feel
So let’s eat beans with every meal’

I put my hands on my hips and gave them my best mom glare.

 “Where did you learn that?” I asked sternly.

They got very quiet and then one of the twins blurted out, “Dad taught it to us!”

My husband laughed and told me to lighten up.

 It was over. I had lost the fart battle. 

The Champion

I don’t know what it is about boys that makes them think that passing gas is a talent, but they do. They will go to great lengths to blow the loudest, stinkiest burst of air possible and when you have four sons who are playing this game it can get really irritating. About the only time they didn’t try to out fart each other was at church. And that, my friends, is where our family’s favorite fart story happened.

Our minister’s name was Brother Larry and he was one of the sweetest, kindest men I have ever known. He never complained about my children’s antics during church but I know they were distracting because they sure distracted me. I was constantly telling them to hush, stop pinching, don’t make faces at your sister, stop passing notes, etc. The one thing I didn’t have to tell them was not to fart during church. Even though they were brazen little farting hellions at home, they were extremely shy in public. They would rather blow up like an inflatable balloon from holding one in than to let a fart fly during church. 

And the Winner Is

The famous fart happened in the winter time. It was extremely cold one Sunday and the heat was out in the auditorium. Brother Larry asked us all to move to another room in the church because it was warmer. The back room of the church was much smaller than the auditorium, so we were all sitting practically on top of each other. While the seats in the auditorium were padded pews that were soft and comfortable, the chairs in the back were folding metal chairs and they were definitely not soft. After we were all seated the service began. We sang a few songs and someone was called on to lead prayer. We all bowed our heads, closed our eyes, and the room was totally silent.

That’s when it happened. The fart that will live in infamy. One of the twins had held it in as long as he could and when that sucker finally burst forth and bounced off the metal chair it didn’t just ping, it BOOMED! I swear it sounded just like my grandfather’s old Ford truck backfiring.

My head was bowed for prayer and my eyes were closed but I didn’t even bother to pray that it was someone else’s child. A mother bear knows her cubs and the stink that was now circling the room could only have come from one of mine. I looked up and when my eyes stopped watering and my vision cleared I zeroed in on the twins. They were about 7 years old at the time and they were so embarrassed their little faces were red as tomatoes. When they saw me looking at them one of them immediately pointed to his brother and said, “He did it.”  It’s a thousand wonders lightening didn’t strike him right there in his chair for lying.

I knew he didn’t do it on purpose so I smiled at him, winked and mouthed the words, “Good one.” Then I bowed my head again and tried not to laugh. 

Every family has its own stories that get told over and over at family gatherings. For some reason a lot of our stories involve farts. 

Earlier on Huff/Post50:

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We all know the standard idea of what is considered sexy in today’s society, and let’s face it, almost none of us measure up. Women in general do not come close to looking like a magazine cover model. Even the women on the covers don’t actually look like that thanks to Photoshop and other image editing programs. This creative process by media empire moguls is pretty much fictional on all counts. It’s time we stop placing emphasis on women’s appearances and start focusing on the real deal… what is within our minds. SMART is SEXY!

Some very smart and self-assured women date and flirt with similarly smart men, and it brings to mind the stereotype of studious girls that are silent, composed, and commonly considered, “mousy.” I would like to believe that the cliché of an elderly, lonely, single woman in a comfy chair, enclosed by cats, with a lace wrap and a book in her lap is disappearing now that we have reached 2015. Smart girls are no longer dateless and destined to be alone. They are blazing a trail and raising a new standard of sexy for all women as their intelligence elevates them to be the CEOs and world leaders of today. The real kicker is: instead of looking, you must listen.

The studious girls I know now are talkative, open-minded, and intelligent. As I grow older, I realize that the banter and conversations that previously held my interest now seem trivial. I have discovered as I grow older and socialize with a wider variety of people, that intelligence and smarts are WAY more engaging than looks.

The future generation of female leaders is represented by 8-15 year old girls who are now, unfortunately, learning from an early age that the key to validation is looking hot. These little girls spend hours agonizing over an Instagram post of a recent selfie that has been triple filtered using three different applications. Then, she sits and waits for the “likes.” Their validation on social media is more entertaining than attending the cool science camp offered at their school. Sadly, to them, being smart is not “cool.”

The opportunity to learn is all around us, not just in the classroom. It’s in the seemingly random conversations we have with strangers, acquaintances and friends. However, the more obsessed we are with our physical appearance, the less we will seize these opportunities to expand our minds.

When I identify myself as a “nerd” or tell someone how much I love going to school and learning, I get an interesting assortment of reactions. For example, there are the guys who actually do a double take when I publicly recognize the importance of my GPA. Then there are those girls who lose interest the minute I start babbling about the latest theory we discussed in my Psychology class. I do not look like the conventional, socially-stunted nerd with no friends or fashion taste, so this tends to put them off. Our society seems to be having difficulty accepting the idea that “smart” and “sexy” can be wrapped in the same package. It’s time for us smart girls to prove them wrong while setting a new trend for tweens and teens. I’d love to see young girls feeling proud of their accomplishments and being brave enough to attend that “lame” science camp.

Ashton Kutcher said it best…

“The sexiest thing in the entire world is being really smart. And being thoughtful. And being generous. Everything else is crap! I promise you! It’s just crap that people try to sell to you to make you feel like less. So don’t buy it. Be smart, be thoughtful, and be generous.”

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(RNS) Is gay marriage a civil right like black equality? Or is it a sin African-Americans should condemn?

That’s the question at the heart of “The New Black,” a documentary by filmmaker Yoruba Richen that examines African-American attitudes toward LGBT people leading up to Maryland’s public referendum on gay marriage in 2012.

The film is now enjoying a new life as part of an initiative to get students at historically black colleges and universities to talk about a longtime taboo in the African-American community — sexual identity and the church.

The initiative is a project of the Human Rights Campaign, an advocate of LGBT equality, and Promised Land Films, the producers of the film. HRC designated $4,000 in grants to bring “The New Black” to so-called HBCUs. To date it has been shown at about a half-dozen schools, including Spelman College, Howard University and Tennessee State University. Chris Smith, an outreach coordinator for HRC, said the grant money covers the screenings and follow-up discussions.

“The overarching goal is to create the opportunity to begin a dialogue,” Smith said. “We want them to create greater safety and inclusion on HBCUs” and their communities.

Filmed during the 2012 general election, the documentary features those who work for equality, such as Morgan State alumnus Samantha Master, and those who opposed it, such as the Rev. Derek McCoy, president of the Maryland Family Alliance.

The film also shows how a small group of African-American pastors spoke out in favor of gay rights and were instrumental in passing the Maryland law. Maryland was the first state to approve gay marriage by popular vote, and there are now 37 states that have legalized gay marriage.

This week’s screening at Morgan State was followed by a discussion led by the Rev. Jamie Washington, a Baltimore-based pastor who works for LGBT rights.

Anika Simpson, an associate professor of philosophy, said the film is a good dialogue starter because it humanizes people on both sides of the debate.

“It is one thing when you talk about an issue,” Simpson said. “But when you meet the film’s characters and the people they are in love with, and you see African-American pastors saying we can embrace a same-gender-loving person, it is very powerful so you can open your mind and think a little bit differently than you have.”

The black church has long been uncomfortable with issues around sexuality, said Kelly Brown Douglas, a professor of religion at Goucher College and author of “Sexuality and the Black Church: A Womanist Perspective.”

Douglas ties those attitudes to two narratives she traces to the 1800s. The first is the myth of the “oversexuality” of black people, and the second is a Christian attitude, born of the Great Revival, that anything having to do with the body is sinful.

“So you get this reluctance to speak about issues of sexuality and you get this rigid line about LGBTQ sexuality,” Douglas said. “If it is discussed at all, it is discussed as a sin. That narrative is very strong. In the main it is not a welcoming environment, not just of LGBTQ people but all matters of sexuality.”

But that may be changing, Douglas said, and she credits screenings of films such as “The New Black” and other initiatives in the African-American community with some of the change.

READ: An interview with “The New Black” filmmaker Yoruba Richen (RNS)
But there is still significant opposition to LGBT rights among African-American Christians. A 2013 Pew Forum poll found that only 41 percent of black Protestants supported gay marriage, compared with 60 percent of white Protestants.

The Rev. Bill Owens, president of The Coalition of African American Pastors, said “The New Black” screenings are “just another strategy that they are going to use to convert young people to this lifestyle.” He said CAAP and its 7,000 members would continue to speak out against LGBT equality, especially in churches.

“It is destroying the family,” he said of the push for LGBT rights. “It is against everything the black church has stood for.”

Brian Stewart, a 21-year-old Morgan State senior who is gay and no longer religious, said the film shows that members of the African-American community must bring “their whole selves” to the discussion of LGBT rights.

“We need to make sure religion shows up in the room,” he said after the Morgan State screening. “It is really important to bring that if we want inclusion across the board.”

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No one should have to spend a birthday alone, especially when it’s a 100th birthday.

At the end of the month, Sheffield, England, resident Winnie Blagden will turn a century old. But she lives in a nursing home and doesn’t have family or friends to celebrate with, according to BBC Radio Sheffield.

However, the station BBC Radio Sheffield is working to make Blagden’s birthday extra special. On Tuesday, the station posted a photo of Blagden on its Facebook page with an address for people to send birthday cards and letters. As of Thursday afternoon, the post has been shared almost 45,000 times and viewed an estimated 2.5 million times. Blagden has seen some of the cards sent to the station but will get the rest of the gifts a few days before her actual birthday, Blagden’s nursing home, Serenta told The Huffington Post in a Facebook message.

“It’s a big achievement [getting to 100],” Blagden told BBC Radio Sheffield. “You know, if you’ve no family and someone’s good enough to come and be around [and look after] you like that, I’ve had nothing to grumble about really.”

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Thousands of people have responded both online and in person, Mirror reports, offering to send roses and even meals to the birthday girl. Among them is a nearby pizza restaurant that posted a birthday message to Blagden saying its employees would come serve her lunch, as well as a Sheffield cafe that offered to make a birthday cake.

Sue Pinder, who is a caregiver and owner of Serenta sparked the project by contacting the radio station.

“It will mean the world to her,” Sue Pinder told the outlet. “Because in Winnie’s eyes, she’s just a normal person. She says she’s got a lot to be thankful for.”

Gifts and letters to Winnie can be sent to BBC Radio Sheffield, 54 Shoreham Street, Sheffield, S1 4RS.

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This horse obviously says NEIGH to limited breadsticks.

In an act of equine activism, a horse in South Carolina led cops on a highway chase Thursday that ended near a Cherryville Olive Garden, Greenville Online reports.

The galloping glory reportedly escaped an enclosure just after 6 p.m., then careened through traffic on Poinsett Highway as officers in patrol vehicles and dumbfounded witnesses gave chase. Authorities were able to corral the horse near Olive Garden — but not before footage was uploaded to YouTube (above).

We wonder if the horse was naysaying last year’s debate over whether Olive Garden should limit its “wasteful” distribution of delicious breadsticks. For what it’s worth, we’re with the horse on this one.

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