Hasta La Gadget!

At a time when immediacy and instant gratification fly down the Information Superhighway like deadly road wreckage, it has become harder than ever to find quick, recreational sex — unless, of course, you take, um, a “do-it-yourself” approach. Where are the men of stereotype, the randy fellows who are always ready for casual tumbles? Are the guys with insatiable libidos now hiding somewhere outside of West Hollywood and the West Village?

These days, even finding an online hook-up takes too long.

Admittedly, I was late to arrive at the fair. I came out and started dating — I was a virgin, in fact — at 31. In 2006, I believed that I had bypassed the wild times, the meaningless encounters that appeared to be empty but also dangerously exciting. I wanted to find a boyfriend and to set up an “instant home,” despite the fact that every man I was meeting wanted to have sex within the first five minutes of saying hello. When I finally met a gentleman who seemed interested in an adult courtship, I jumped at the opportunity, forcing the five-year relationship to sit on the shelf long past its “sell by” date. You could smell the curdling after only 12 months.

By the point I was finished playing house with Mr. Nice-But-Not-Forever, the advent of the smart phone had given birth to GPS-based dating apps and more easily navigated online sites. The Internet was a veritable buffet of sexual possibility, an avenue that didn’t require my setting foot in the loud and boozy clubs that I disliked so much. Finally, my suppressed feelings ripped through my mind and body in a delayed adolescence and sexual awakening. At 36, I still wanted to find “the one,” but I felt comfortable making myself available for some no-strings-attached sex in the meantime.

There were a handful of successful rendezvous, but the process became increasingly frustrating.

“How tall are you?” wrote LAHottie19, a 30-year-old man whose abs photographed like a piece of etched steel. I had to assume that he had a handsome face; it wasn’t visible in his profile picture.

“5’8″,” I replied. “I’m a little bit on the Smurf side, without the blue coloring.”

“5’8″?” he repeated as a question. “How much do you weigh?” My sense of humor was of no interest to this self-proclaimed “hot” guy; he was interested only in my looks and my body. He wasn’t going to be marriage material, it was clear, but he could have passed some time while I was waiting for Lancelot’s white horse to saddle up to my side door.

The conversation continued along those lines for nearly five hours. He requested every stat but my body temperature, and that was probably because he was planning to check it in person. By the time he finally decided he might like to actually meet, it was past my bedtime, and my right hand had yielded in ten minutes what LAHottie19 had asked to lick off my chest at the beginning of our endless conversation. I learned relatively quickly that efficient hook-ups were not as easy to come by as the app ads would have you believe.

Potential daters on various websites also dished smack. It wasn’t odd to get an introductory message that glossed over my hobbies and personal interests and jumped right in to the subject of bedroom likes and dislikes. Those men — even with their questionable priorities, considering that they were on dating sites and not hook-up apps — appeared to be possible companions for a night or two. And yet, when I would meet these big talkers for coffee or a meal — fully expecting a roll in the sheets afterwards — they would want to have second and third dates before unfastening their five-button jeans. They wanted to develop “connections” before becoming at all intimate, completely belying the words that got our, well, balls rolling.

This emotional brand of man was, in my experience, altogether absent when I began my romantic journey — albeit later in life. I could find only the guys who wanted a fun-night-stand without the risk of attachment. And, now that I was finally willing to let loose and adopt a liberating sexual outlook, every man chained himself at the knees until at least a few weeks of dating had passed. Waiting a month for “wham-bam-thank-you-man” seemed to defeat the purpose; where were all of those men who were supposedly interested in “only one thing?”

Over the last four years and as I enter a new decade at 40, I still haven’t met the man who will be my husband. That said, I also haven’t had as much sex as I’d like. I’ve become less patient about waiting for Mr. Right because there doesn’t even seem to be a Mr. Right Now.

“You should just enjoy yourself until the man of your dreams comes along,” my friend Lisa suggested a few weeks ago.

“It’s not as easy you’d think,” I explained. “It doesn’t just happen.”

“Oh, please,” Lisa continued, “we all know that gay men are having sex constantly.” She bought into the myth and wasn’t convinced by my dearth of experiences as of late.

“Listen, no matter what the age – you could be 20, 50 or 70 — men just want to have sex. If their equipment works, they’re in. Period.” Lisa said it with conviction.

Okay…

I am dating myself for the time being; there’s intimacy and tons of sex. And, I even slept with myself on the first date.

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Some people say, “Love thy enemies.”

I say, “Eat them!”

…At least when it comes to certain edible invasive plant species such as Japanese Knotweed. This bamboo-looking, jerk-acting plant spreads like microbes on a poop pile (that is to say, fast and effectively) and grows up to 15 feet tall in thick, impenetrable clumps.

Unfortunately, I have tons of it at my cabin — (no) thanks to the previous owners, two eccentric retirees who hoarded hummingbird feeders, built dozens (!) of rickety shelves and closets, and walked their cat down the road in a baby stroller. Aside from the public cat parade, they were private people and purposely planted Japanese Knotweed to cultivate a you-can’t-see-me foliage wall around the front of the house.

It worked…too well.

The knotweed grew at the front of the house. And on the side of it. And across the gravel driveway / edges of the road, as Japanese Knotweed has sumo-strength and can penetrate paved surfaces. Now, it is insidiously snaking down the backyard hill on the way to the stream, which would be ultimate fuel for its hellfire.

Many people eradicate Japanese knotweed with herbicides, but I don’t want to put poisons in my soil. Instead, each spring I hack away at the broomstick-thick shoots as they emerge and dig up as many of the gigantic, brain-like, mother rhizome nubs as I can before crumpling into an exhausted heap.

Thanks to fabulous foragers and invasive chefs de cuisine such as Ava Chin and Wildman Steve Brill,  I’ve learned that Japanese Knotweed is a delicious edible, tasting of green apples and rhubarb with a light vegetal note. According to Brill, it’s packed with vitamins A and C, has potassium, phosphorus, manganese, zinc and the antioxidant resveratrol. It is most delightful when harvested young, less than a foot tall and still juicy. As it ages, the stalks turn dry and woody.

The following recipe is adapted from the 3 Foragers blog to accommodate what I had lying around the house. It requires the use of a food dehydrator. If you have tips for dehydrating fruit leather in an oven or other system, please share the details in the comments below!

To make Japanese Knotweed Fruit Leather / Fruit Roll you will need:

• 4 cups chopped young Japanese Knotweed stalk (no leaves)
• 1 cup water
• a smattering of dried blueberries (True, I added these to the recipe because I was worried the knotweed fruit leather might taste weird. Me of little faith! The bloobs are totally optional, but ended up being a great addition.)
• 3 tbs. honey
• a blender / hand blender / food processor
• A food dehydrator with 2 fruit leather inserts

Directions

1. Add Japanese Knotweed and water to a pot and bring to a boil.



2. Turn down to a simmer and let cook for 10 minutes, stirring often.
3. Add blueberries and honey and let cook 3 more minutes. (The honey I used is actually raw honey from my hives that crystallized during freezing temps. That’s why it looks more like a chunk of butter than clear syrup.)



4. Puree with hand blender or other blending machine.
5. Let cool.
6. Add puree to dehydrator fruit roll sheet.



7. Follow drying instructions of the dehydrator manufacturer. When done, peel off and enjoy! Refer to photo at the top of this post for the full, fabulous, finished effect.

And that’s it! I am particularly fond of this recipe because of how much Japanese Knotweed you must vanquish to produce the fruit leather. Eating four cups of Japanese knotweed sautéed in a stir fry might personally be culinary overkill for me, but pulverized in a fruit leather, I can’t get enough of it.

If you have a favorite Japanese Knotweed recipe or other tips/strategies for consuming invasive plant species, please add them to the comments below!

Until next time…ENJOY EATING YOUR ENEMIES!

******

This piece was originally published on The Compostess blog. To learn more about composting at home or in your community, check out “Compost City: Practical Composting Know-How for Small-Space Living.” All photos by Rebecca Louie.

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So it’s the end of the school year and FIDDLESTICKS — you forgot to call your mom (again) and apply for a summer job or maybe you applied but didn’t find any luck. However instead of the recruiter, your mom calls you!

Well don’t fret, because just like your doting mother, your summer is not hopeless. In fact, this summer can still be one of the best summers of your life! These five suggestions of things to do this summer when ostensibly all hope is lost will hopefully help you lead a fabulous summer, which will in return have your envious peers asking, “What did you do?” And you’ll gracefully answer: Nothing.

1. Relax

You’ve spent the entire school year stressing about socials, class work, professors, breakups and scholarships. It’s time to be unencumbered. Why not take a few months out of the year to practice the one thing you’re pretty awful at? Relaxing. Take a nap or two. Go for a nature walk or meditate — just don’t preoccupy yourself with work or stress-related activities. You deserve to relax — you’re a Millennial; we’re hyper-involved as it is already.

2. Read (or Write) A Book

This one may seem counterintuitive since you’ve just finished an entire semester of surveying 16th and 17th century English poets and authors or was that just me? Nonetheless, what I’m offering is actually quite novel. Read a book for pleasure!

But not just any book, but a well-written book that you chose. A book challenges your vocabulary, exposes you to new ideas, and engages you.

Once you’ve finished your summer-reading list, maybe you should write the next book on your list! Start by journaling your daily adventures. Then challenge yourself to write a narrative that extends beyond 140 characters and ends on the 140th page.

For beginners: Writing is a practice. It takes consistency and dedication. You never know what could happen. In the words of the wise British pop-star Natasha Beddingfield, “The rest is still unwritten.”

Well don’t fret, because just like your doting mother, your summer is not hopeless.

3. Exercise & Start a Healthier Diet

I know — Ew. Exercising much like the word moist should be erased from the English lexicon. However, we need them both. So after you’re done relaxing and reading, do a few crunches, push-ups, jumping-jacks and run a mile or two.

Discover what type of workout regimen best fits you. Do you enjoy biking or practicing yoga? YouTube offers some great workout playlists and regimens. Try everything just to make sure you’ve found the perfect fit for your new healthy lifestyle.

Don’t just binge watch Netflix with highly-salted potato chips; exchange the chips for sliced apples or raisins. It isn’t about beginning something totally new as much as it is about about increasing your already preexisting good habits.

Your body will thank you for it later. Plus who doesn’t want to return to school healthier than they left?

4. Go On A Trip (In Your Own Backyard)

Explore your town or city you may lived in your entire life. Serve at the local food bank or visit your town’s community garden. Go on a history trail in your town and learn something new about your community.

You don’t have to be privileged to go on a Pintrest worthy vacation this summer. Sometimes the best trips are in your own backyard. Look at the sagacious Backyardigans, they often are found sojourning through mountainous terrains in their very own backyard. Surely if fictitious characters can enjoy themselves in their own backyard, you, too, can have an amazing summer in your own backyard.

5. Disconnect from Technology & Reconnect with Loved Ones & Yourself

We’re a generation that’s constantly plugged in. We check our phones at least 150 times a day, according to Kleiner Perkins Caufield & Byers’s annual Internet Trends report. But how often do we pause to check on ourselves and others?

This summer turn off your phone (and yes, plug it in its charger), and take a minute to breathe. Take a breath; look up at the sky, not down at your phone; have face-to-face interaction instead of Facetime; make a commitment to be completely present in all of your human interactions; and I promise you that it’ll be rewarding.

So, no, you may not have everything planned for your summer like your peers, but two things you certainly do have are yourself and your mom!

H.A.G.S. #HaveAGreatSummer!

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Kennesaw State University is looking into a video circulating online of a staff member threatening to call security on a student who said he was waiting to speak with an advisor.

Kevin Bruce, a student at Kennesaw State in Georgia, posted video Wednesday night of his interaction with Abby Dawson, Director of Advising and Internships in the Exercise Science and Sport Management department of the public university. Bruce tweeted at several local TV stations trying to bring attention to his video; his tweet had received more than 5,000 retweets by Thursday afternoon.

“I’m not harassing no one,” Bruce is heard saying in the video. “You are,” Dawson responds.

A moment later Bruce states, “I’m just waiting to talk to someone, I’m not harassing no one though.”

“Sitting here until someone’s available, is harassing them,” Dawson replies. “That’s not harassing them,” Bruce slowly responds, to which she says, “It is. Would you like me to call campus security?”

Rude advisors at Kennesaw . Smh pic.twitter.com/ugcX4gnIsp

— KB (@IamKB_) May 14, 2015

Bruce tweeted later that other efforts to set up a meeting haven’t worked out — in one instance, his appointment was canceled. Bruce also said he has been trying to speak with another advisor and wanted to avoid a meeting with Dawson because he found her unhelpful in the past.

In a screenshot of an email Bruce posted to Twitter, Dawson responded to his questions about class schedules, “You will need to refer to the information I have given you previously. You have all the resources you need to quickly find the answer to this question.”

Staff from the department where Dawson works did not respond to a request for comment. The Kennesaw State media affairs office said university officials “are working with a student to review his concerns regarding the behavior of an academic advisor in the WellStar College of Health and Human Services.”

Bruce’s video sparked the hashtag #ItsBiggerThanKSU, and several other students started tweeting about their own experiences with Dawson and the ESSM department, many posting screenshots of emails in their tweets.

One student, Amber Wann, said she had difficulty getting into a couple classes she needed and was worried she would fall behind. When she asked if there was a way to avoid the waitlist, Dawson replied in an email, “I will not continue to answer the same question.” Wann tweeted a screenshot of the exchange:

Definitely not a fit advisor .. Doesn’t enjoy what she does and it always shows. #ItsBiggerThanKSU @kennesawstate pic.twitter.com/XUfbi7Rz5M

— Amber Wann (@AmberWann) May 14, 2015

Another student, Austin Smith, tweeted about an encounter he had with Dawson during the advisory office’s posted open hours. Smith said that he arrived about halfway through the time-slot, but Dawson told him they had finished early and were moving on to a workshop.

#ItsBiggerThanKSU I had a VERY similar situation dealing with the same KSU advising staff!!! pic.twitter.com/BU7lfHhtLv

— Austin Smith (@_A_Smith) May 14, 2015

The Huffington Post reached out to the students tweeting about advising problems at Kennesaw State, but had not received any responses at the time of publication.

Several other students have used the hashtag to complain about the treatment they’ve received at the office.

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There are two types of people in this world. People who are on time and people who are always late. If you’re one who is always late, these struggles are probably way too real for you.

1. Getting to a dinner reservation on time. And then dealing with angry friends who were not able to be seated because the “full party” needed to be there OR the hostess telling you that your reservation has been cancelled because, well, you pretty much suck.

2. Paying money for a concert or sporting event and missing the beginning. Or the whole thing. So much for all the money you spent.

3. Arriving late to a movie and having to ask everyone to stand up so you can get to your seats. You’re the worst.

4. Sneaking into work, walking by everyone already working at their desk, and wondering if anyone notices you. They do. Especially if you’re wearing loud shoes.

5. Setting your alarm clock 30 minutes to two hours before you will actually wake up. Sometimes you kid yourself that you’re going to wake up early and workout. Other times you kid yourself that you’re going to wake up and make breakfast. Other times you kid yourself that you’re going to shower. In reality, you’ll snooze until the last possible second when you realize you’re now set to be approximately 10-20 minutes late for work. Great.

6. Trying to get along with type A people. Stop trying to make a friendship happen. It’s not going to happen.

7. Deciding whether or not you are running late enough that you have to inform someone. And then running even LATER because you took too long deciding what to do.

8. Having to tell people you’re late while you’re already scrambling to get somewhere. Now that you have to take a minute of your time to email or call someone, you are now going to be THAT much later. Your lateness is no longer your fault. It’s theirs.

9. Coming up with new excuses as to why you are late. Yesterday I couldn’t find my keys, the day before I had a stomach ache, so today I… had to take the cat to the vet. But wait, I don’t have a cat. I do now…

10. Actually believing that five minutes is the same thing as 30 minutes. They’re all numbers so therefore, they’re all the same.

11. When you think you’re going to be on time and you hit traffic.

12. When you think you’re going to be on time and the train decides to not show up. Or lose power. Or kick you off because it is apparently now “out of service.”

13. When you are actually on time or early to work but no one is there to notice. Oh cool. Everyone decided to have appointments and be late today. You should tell them about your accomplishment! Or not. Your accomplishment is their daily grind. Sigh.

14. Not knowing if the party is really starting at 9 or if you were just told to get there at 9 because everyone assumed you’d show up at 10. Regardless, you know what time the party REALLY starts… when you walk in. Duh.

15. That one time you showed up somewhere on time and ended up being the first person there. You then had to wait for everyone else to get there and it was pretty much the worst. This is the reason you are always late. Waiting SUCKS. Why not make everyone wait for you instead? Seems fair.

16. Fearing being early because people might wonder what’s wrong with you. Your shtick is being late. You should probably just stick to that.

17. Thinking that “late” is “on time” and “on time” is “early” because, well, it is for you. Omgggg, I’m going to get to the office so early. I can get coffee now and just be 10 minutes late. That’s NOTHING.

This post originally appeared on Forever Twenty Somethings.

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