Hasta La Gadget!

The last time I went on a date as a single man my companion and I exchanged pager numbers. Once smitten, I called her dorm room and recited a poem I wrote for her on her answering machine. This was only after purchasing a long distance calling card. Roughly eighteen years and one child later I find myself again single and to be frank, I’m too old for this shit. As I return to the world of singledom, I am greeted by a landscape that consists of microwave relationships forged on smartphones and a hookup culture that occurs with the flick of the wrist. It’s a landscape that, despite the woes of my single friends I thought I could navigate and maybe even enjoy. What I found instead was the confirmation of my loneliness.

While dating services have existed since the inception of dating itself, the smartphone-driven version I and millions of others find themselves immersed in today is, relatively speaking, extremely young. Like any other young digital platform, it still feels steeped in its wild west phase (think of what social media was a decade ago versus what it is now). When Tinder first launched in 2012, I was fully entrenched in husbandhood, but even then I remember thinking “Wow, cute girls and the potential for nearly instant sexual encounters that won’t end up with me in the back of a patrol car? That sounds amazing!” Because, after all, the proverbial grass is always greener.

Now as a single man in 2016 I’m faced with two facts that I conveniently ignored in back then. First, blind hookups freak me out. While push button sex would alleviate a lot of (ahem) frustration, there is a Russian roulette quality to hook up culture I, as of yet, have not been able to get out of my head as random diseases and baby mama’s freak me out equally. The closest thing I have had to a hookup happened at a conference last year, and even then I ended up developing a friendship with the woman with whom I slept, which leads me to the second fact. I am a serial monogamist.

Over the last twenty years (I’m 38 now) I have had three girlfriends and have been single all of five weeks not counting my days post marriage. My father taught me as a young man to never quit a job until you had a new one. I unwittingly carried that advice over into my relationships. If a relationship of mine ended, it was a sure bet that it was because I met someone I found more compatible. To put it simply I’m not built to be alone. There is a grounding that comes with even the simplest of romantic entanglements that I have always found quite comforting. I’m sure that there are a variety of reasons for this that could be easily discovered with some therapy.

Ask anyone who has ever ended a particularly long relationship and they’ll tell you, regardless of how amicable the break up is, you come out at the end with scars. Deep ones. After nearly a year of us trying to save our marriage, trying to prove how much I loved my ex and how much I was worth loving in return, the final decision to call it quits had and has left me feeling empty. The routine of loving someone for sixteen years was suddenly gone and along with it the validation that comes from having someone dedicate their lives to you and vice versa. The simplest analogy I can come up with is that of the retired football player who had a passion and a routine that they have known their entire lives come to a sudden end. What do they do with that time and energy? What happens to their identity? He was once a professional athlete. I was once an, admittedly flawed, but loving husband. That is until I wasn’t. The serial monogamist was suddenly single, alone with his flaws, his insecurities, and a handful of apps.

Following the break up most of my friends and family suggested that I not think about dating right away, that I needed time to focus on myself. In hindsight, they were probably right. I was and still am processing my feelings about my marriage. I was mostly underemployed as I was grabbing whatever freelance work available while trying to find a regular job that paid anything worth walking out the door for, and I still had a son who needed daddy’s attention. I should not have gotten caught up in dating or much anything else for that matter, but loneliness and technology prevailed.

Tinder, OKCupid, Plenty of Fish, Badoo, and some others I can no longer remember became a daily pass time. Flick left, flick right, flick left, flick right, hope for a match, hope for a message, hope I was cute enough, hope I was witty enough, go to bed alone and a little sadder.

There were so many things about digital dating I was unaware of, so many things I never had to consider in real life a decade and a half ago. Things like the sexual economy (the average woman is under a constant barrage of sexual advances, both in real life and online, the results being the devaluing of men due to a oversaturated market. In short vagina is a blue chip, pens is a penny stock), hardline dating preferences including race, sexual preference, body type, and economic stability make meeting someone interesting and attractive laborious, to say the least. And for every “no thank you” and unrequited swipe the bruise on my ego and self-esteem grew bigger and darker.

I’m sure to some who are reading this I come off as some romantic curmudgeon. I’m the guy who is salty because he can’t get laid and blames the world for his unfulfilled desires. I very well may be feeding my self-delusion, but I prefer to think of myself as an analog lost a futuristic version of what I once knew as romance. A future where even the simplest relationships have melted to their most base form as the world becomes ever more streamlined and fast paced. A future where the complexity of the friendship in friends with benefits evaporated and became Netflix and chill.

It would be a lie to say that I haven’t met a couple interesting and attractive women. I have. It would be a lie to say that I’m looking for a soulmate. I’m not. Not at this moment at least. I do want to connect. I want to feel an excitement for my presence. I want to feel the hurried anticipation for someone’s arrival. I want to miss and be missed. I want sweetness. And yes, someday I want to love again.

The worst part is negotiating these desires with the reality that technology has, in many ways, offered up seclusion dressed as access as personal stats stand as gatekeepers to authentic interaction. It’s a high wire act I find myself still having to learn. It’s at times frustrating, and on rare occasions entertaining. I’m hoping that eventually it might be fulfilling. Until then I’ll swipe and chat and flirt and hope someday soon someone finds me as charming in real life as I try to be on Kik (GuyWhoWritesStuff). Meanwhile, I’ll be learning how to be comfortable on my own and fall back in love with me.

Wish me luck.

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It had none of the glamor and many people I talked to didn’t even know it existed. I wouldn’t have either if I hadn’t been detoured by a road closed from the storm. It was back in a forgotten corner, the driveway slightly overgrown from the spring rain. But I stopped my car and got out. The cemetery was well tended but still a bit forlorn and forgotten. As I read the names engraved almost 100 years ago I wondered, with a tear, who still mourns for you Staff Sargent? Does anyone remember you Captain? As I walked in silence reading the names out loud, I said thank you to each one I read. I didn’t know them, their families, or even their deeds, but I knew I owed them just the same. In the back corner there were fresh flowers that someone had brought. The stone read MSG Delilah S. Someone had remembered her for Memorial day. The storm had blown over the flowers so I righted them. The least I could do in tribute to someone else’s sacrifice.

They were the only flowers there.

I returned to the cemetery on the base on my last day. As I walked again silently thanking the men and women from long ago, I met a widow. She came every Memorial Day to say I love you to the man she lost more than 10 years ago. Her tears were not silent as we talked about his service. He didn’t die in a blaze of glory and had a simple job. His service may have gone unnoticed if not for his death. Our words were brief as she slowly walked away. Her love still as real as his service and sacrifice to our country was.

I never knew my father, but I knew of his love for me and for our country. A purple heart, bronze star were emblematic of what he was all about. Even after his uniformed service, he possibly gave his life working on defense projects. For our country, for our family. As I walked through the cemetery I said thank you to him too for his service. He inspired a love in our family that will never die. All I know about love is what I learned from my mom’s love for him. It’s that same love that I carry with each of my silent steps, prayers, and thanks.

Their names may not be on my lips any more, but I still mourn for them. Their gifts to us are what allow us to be who we are today. My simple thanks that day may not have been worthy but it was all I could offer. I will not forget my trips to the cemetery or their service. For their sacrifice helped you, and me, to be free.

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Working a 9-5 job is hard. You spend years doing a job you hate to climb higher on a corporate ladder that probably isn’t too crazy about you, either. You think you work too hard. You loathe the 45+ hour work weeks that tend to fall closer to 50-55 hours more often than not, and that says nothing of the weeks when you have big projects to finish. (Those weeks are probably closer to 60-70 hours, and you’re ecstatic when they’re over!) You think there has to be a better way; that you’re killing yourself for someone else. You think that if you’re working so much, and so hard, that you’d be better off if you were working for yourself and reaping the benefits. You’re right. …Sort of.

Being an entrepreneur or business owner is, for a lot of people, choosing to work 80 hours a week for yourself to avoid that 40 hours you’d be working for someone else’s corporation. That was absolutely true for us when we first started. In our first few months as entrepreneurs we each got in a minimum of 80 hours per week – that’s a lot of work! We realized pretty quickly that we needed to change something. We were drowning!

After analyzing our situation we honed in on 3 areas we needed to tweak. Our habits needed to change if we were going to be able to keep living our dream, and once we started implementing changes we were shocked. The changes we saw in our effectiveness and our time management were staggering!

So first, so there’s no temptation to skip to the end, we’ll give you the grand reveal. Here are the areas we changed in business to change our lives for the better:

We learned to structure our business activities.
When you’re an entrepreneur, especially if you’re a solopreneur, you have SO MUCH on your plate that you can easily become overwhelmed. That isn’t your fault. There is no shame in admitting that you need to change things up to get things done. Beyond all the work that goes into running a successful business, you also have decisions to make. Those decisions, on top of all your tasks, can weigh you down and can lead to even more “must do now” activities. (Just think about it – should you use Facebook, Instagram, or Pinterest to promote? Do you need to learn SEO, Adwords, or retargeting right now? Should you use Asana, Evernote, or Slack to communicate and collaborate with your team and clients? – The list of questions goes on!)

You need to change the way you address productivity.
People who are working from home, as many small business and entrepreneurs are, often struggle to be productive. This can be for a myriad of reasons, but the bottom line is that it’s a trend that you can see coming and stop. You will not be one of those people.

You need to find ways to work smarter, not harder.
We’ll share some systems, tips, and checklists that helped us to turn our lives around and get back to less intense working schedules. We still utilize this approach today, and so do many of our clients!

Now you’re probably wondering about what our secrets are. Cutting your work week from 80 hours back to a more sensible number is no small feat. (For us, it’s more like the typical job we left, but it could be any number that works for you.) Getting back to a “regular” work week is probably high on your list of priorities if you’re feeling overwhelmed and burnt out. The good news is that the ways to stay focused, be productive, and run a smart business are applicable across the board, regardless of your industry. We faced the same issues and challenges when we began our businesses that our clients have, and that our friends who are in business have, so we’d go so far as to say that our approach is pretty much universal. (At least until we find an exception to the rule.)

First, the best ways to structure your business.

Limit Yourself.
Hear us out, we know this sounds completely counterintuitive. People want to do a lot, right? Dream big, have a lot – that’s the conventional wisdom approach. The only problem is, that approach doesn’t work. If you have too much on your literal plate you can’t eat it all, so why should your workload be any different. Don’t try to do it all, you can’t!

– Limit your goals to 5.Will it be a pain to pick five things you want more than everything else? You bet, but it will force you to think about your priorities. Think about what stuff, out of all the stuff you’ve heaped onto your massive work load pile, is stuff you actually need to do? Great. Now that you have that list, pick a few monthly and weekly goals that are in line with your big five goals. (Limit the number of smaller goals, too.)

– Limit the strategies you try. Heard of a new app, method, or platform? Great. Unless it addresses a specific problem that is standing between you and one of your big five goals, write down the details on that new, shiny thing and table it for later. You can’t be on top of all the new things that are popping up every minute. Don’t feel guilty for not knowing about and using everything. Your aim is to advance your business, not to master all the tools. Need some tool rehab? Paper and pencils are a great way to get back to basics.

Stop Running Without a Plan
Sure you’re busy, but no one is too busy to plan. Even pausing to take ten minutes to plan now will save you more than double that later when it’s time to actually do the work. To move forward you need to stop, take a step back, and see the whole, bigger picture. Don’t just react to things that happen, carve out a plan you can stick to. Then stick to it! Craft your goals and go after them with all you’ve got. Having trouble? Spend some time daydreaming about your most ambitious business goal. Now write it down. If you’re having trouble putting it into words, draw it, cut and paste it onto a mood board, or turn it into a Pinterest board. Whatever you do, just don’t limit it by what you think other people might say or forget about it. You can make it happen.

Do the Boring Stuff.
What needs improvement in business? From our experience, three things are typically at the top of the list. Clients, financials, and analytics. Clients get taken for granted, while financials and analytics seem both boring and difficult. What happens to financials and analytics? They get swept under the rug; abandoned for “more important” things.

Why are these things so important? Clients are important for obvious reasons. They are the root of every business. Spend time figuring out who they are, what they need, and what pains them. Really dig deep when you’re trying to sort through who you’re actually creating products and services for. Women are your customers? Great. What else? Are we talking working moms in metro areas or stay at home moms in the midwest? There’s a huge difference in what they need, what they want, and the type of words you’d use to reach them. You probably wouldn’t even reach these demographics in the same place, so don’t skip these important steps! You need to know who your clients are so that you can create things that will convince them you are worth their hard earned dollars.

Financials are important because they are your bread and butter. If you aren’t making money, then you aren’t running a business. Calculate your margins, break-even point, profits, costs, and taxes. It doesn’t have to be complicated. (You don’t have to be an accountant to calculate the numbers that make your big picture and make your business tick.)

You won’t need to be a statistician to appreciate your analytics, either. It’s really just about measuring your money and time expenditures. Then once you have those figures down, you have everything you need to know. Spend your time and money on things that are worth it. Simple, right? You’re looking for the best deal for your business any way you look, and there’s no easier way to do that than this.
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Using these guidelines we became more structured, were more aware of what we actually NEEDED to do at every moment, rather than allowing ourselves to dart from fire to fire. With time, and after sharing our specific methods with colleagues and clients, we developed a paper planner. The planner outlines, in great detail, our exact tools and tricks. We love sharing the secrets that have made us successful, and hope you find ways to implement the tips we’ve described here.

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Mike is the co-author of an acceleration program for entrepreneurs, startups, and young companies looking to make their businesses and business practices, smarter. His experiences are primarily in helping businesses grow through marketing strategy development and innovation. One of his greatest joys is being able to support people who are making the difficult transition from corporate job to entrepreneurship. (Though, a close second would be the
work he does as a business ethics consultant.) In addition to these roles, he is also the co-creator of two physical products. Rebel’s Agenda – a business planner designed to help startups, entrepreneurs, and those in the corporate world get a leg up by implementing some of his proven organization and strategy methods. Rebel’s Desk – a portable and lightweight desk designed to have you greet the health and productivity benefits of standing desks while maintaining the capability to work anywhere. Rebel’s Desk design means that your desk can get up and go with you, whenever you need it to.
Follow Mike on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook
Get in touch on LinkedIn
Every entrepreneur worth their salt is a bit of a rebel.

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I am sitting here writing at 6:32 AM drinking my coffee and reflecting on how I became the successful, happy, fulfilled woman I am today.

For a health coach who is so adamant about what she puts into her body, you might think I have always been this wonderfully healthy and happy person. You might also think I have it all together. The fact of the matter is, though I’ve been physically healthy for much of my adult life and do in fact live a fabulous life, I just recently became the woman I knew I deserved to be after many years of coping with a toxic mind and lack of self-love.

You see, for so many years, despite my amazing friends, a booming business, two beautiful kids, and a great hubby surrounding me, I felt alone.

From the outside, my life probably seemed great. But on the inside, I experienced negative mental chatter and self-judgment so significant that it suffocated my happiness. I carried around a void in my heart, and was always looking in the rearview mirror with judgment over things I should have handled differently, or should have done, or should have done better at. My emotional state was anything but healthy.

I knew I needed to make a change if I wanted to live the delicious life I deserved, but I wasn’t sure how to do it. I didn’t want to just exist — I wanted to live the most divine life possible. 

Somewhere along the way, I experienced a revelation. I realized that I was so critical of myself because I was scared that I would fail, or that people would think I was dumb, or that they would not like me. I realized that I had to let go of fear and step into self-love; and not just a little self-love, extreme self-love.

I realized I spent all my time nourishing my body, but failed to properly nourish my soul.

After a childhood and young adulthood burdened with mental toxicity, I wasn’t exactly sure how to embrace self-love. Little did I know, the answer was right in front of me in the form of my 7-year-old daughter.

You see, self-love is something we intuitively do as young children, but something we tend to forget as we get older. It means putting ourselves first, which can sometimes go against our nature, especially if we are parents or caregivers.

Self-love is about giving ourselves unconditional love and creating a safe place of inner peace inside ourselves that no one else can touch.

To embrace self-love, I had to learn how to put my needs first and be present in and appreciative of each moment.

These are some of the self-love rituals I began to do, and many of them were inspired by simply watching my innocent daughter enjoy life:

1. Make a point to admire the small stuff in life every single day
2. Say a positive affirmation every morning
3. Practice peaceful deep breathing for at least 30 seconds every morning
4. Wake up one hour before anyone else in my house for personal time
5. Make a commitment to exercise four times per week
6. Put the bat down and be nice to myself (I wouldn’t want my daughter thinking negatively of herself, so why should I allow myself to think negatively of my abilities?)
7. Make friends with my fears
8. Give myself permission to eat a little bit of raw chocolate every day (yes, this is definitely a huge part of my self-love)
9. Say “no” to things I do not want to do (I am a recovering people pleaser)
10. Never go a day without laughing hard, even when there is nothing to laugh about
11. Listen to at least one favorite song each day and dance every chance I get
12. Reflect on my past in a positive light, not with negative judgment
13. Accept myself for all that I am; I am divine and unique and on this earth for a reason
14. Write my feelings in a journal
15. Surround myself with positivity, and cut relations with those that are toxic
16. Do more of what I enjoy daily
17. Don’t beat myself up over mistakes, make a point to learn a lesson from them
18. Drink a cup of tea with honey in quiet, and enjoy every second of it

Some of the small changes were easy to make. Some of them were harder, like getting behind the self-critical voices. And though the journey to absolute self-love will probably take a lifetime, it’s been so worth the effort.

Of course, self-love can be hard to fit into life. I know that with two kids, a business, and working over 70 hours a week, even my 5-minute shower has to be a divine ritual. I have to be present to the water on my head, my face, and my back, and enjoy the scent of the soap I use. I have to breathe in my healthy perfume and take pleasure in putting essential oils on my body after the shower.

Today, I can proudly say that both my body and my mind are in perfect harmony and that allowing myself to experience ultimate self-love as a child does has made me a much better wife, mom and business owner. More important than anything, it’s made me the best version of myself.

I want you to learn to do the same — to laugh hard, cry hard, love yourself hard, and dream hard, just like a child does. Make both your body and your mind a priority and learn to love yourself again. The joy you’ll experience as a result will change your life for the better.

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Among his many accomplishments, Tony Hawk is probably best known for landing the first 900 during an official competition at the X-Games. But watching him attempt countless skateboard tricks while floating in zero gravity in a vomit comet
is yet another reason to be impressed with his skills. Especially since he appears to keep his lunch down during the whole thing.

Read more…