Letting Go Of Shame And Self Criticism

2016-06-17-1466171379-8138911-LettingGoofShameandCriticism768x250.jpg

I was much older when I first recognized the voice of the inner critic. I’d known it for so long that I believed it to be my own.

My later studies in psychology and working with wonderful women made me realize that we all carried this voice in our heads. Denying it or challenging it was often a waste of time. Listening to it gave it an attention it didn’t often deserve. What did work was understanding where it came from, because that gave us the power to move beyond its fears.

The Early Beginnings
And here’s why. Beginning very early in our childhood, we all experience some form of shaming, like when parents give us that aghast expression and shout “Never do that again” or shake their heads with “I expected better from you”. Its natural and its important, because it stops us from many of the things that are harmful for us. Research even suggests that children who grow up with no shaming are less resilient and unable to cope with feedback and criticism.

The problem arises when shaming happens without repair – when parents forget to tell us that they love us regardless. When they’re unable to tune in to our feelings and let us know that it’s okay. When they overlook the importance of reinstating their belief in us and of reminding us of our goodness. We’re left with the feeling that our weaknesses define us and develop a skewed perception of our abilities and qualities.

What makes it worse is that many times parents criticize endlessly because they cast their own fears and the unhealed parts of their own selves onto us. And as little sponges, we absorb these fears and try our best to stay away from them by developing our own voice of criticism that begins to occupy most of our self-talk. That’s why it sounds so true and lasts long after we leave home.

Our Later Years
As we grow older, we begin to shame and reject parts of ourselves we don’t like in order to be accepted by friends, teachers, and society. And without the inner safety of believing in our qualities and abilities, we try and safeguard our sense of self through whatever external expectations we grow up with. “Make sure your work is perfect”, “Better not make a fool of yourself” and “Fix that lousy body” become internal demands that disconnect us from who we are.

What started out as an interpersonal relationship of dominance and subordination between parent and child eventually becomes our own relationship with ourselves. And just like it closed us down so we stay away from “harm”, we shut down and stay away from experiences. We doubt our lovability and competence and keep ourselves safe by playing by external rules. And worst of all, we go on to replicate the same relationship in our marriages and families.

The Way Out
Here’s what we need to do to end the war within ourselves. First, we need to recognize the voice of the inner critic and befriend it. Remember, it’s the voice that kept us safe when we were too little to recognize danger. It still reminds us of our weaknesses, and we mustn’t ignore it. But it can get stuck in old and well-wired neural patterns, and fear something that’s no longer true. Or it can become terribly loud and mean, and cloud our thinking simply because we believe it to be true. Our best bet is to listen to it and hold its concerns in perspective.

We then need to pay attention to our strengths – the ones that the inner critic never allowed us to befriend. What are the values that guide us, the strengths that lie deep within us, and the passions that bring us alive? What makes us who we are, different, bright and beautiful? This is not always easy, especially when we’ve never paid attention to our strengths, nor listened to the softer, gentler voice of the inner mentor that reminds us that we have what it takes to face our challenges.

Essentially, we’ve to grow up and become the parent who scolds us when faced with danger, but then sits us down on their warm lap and reminds us of all the qualities and abilities that can guide us forward. Sometimes we’ve to train ourselves to be that parent, because we’ve forgotten their warm embrace, or because we never got it in the first place. Without this inner parent, we’d never recognize the inner child that holds the key to our true and authentic selves.

We’re all works in progress, often driving with the brakes on. To let go and unleash our full potential, we’ve got to take the whole of us along on the journey, brakes, accelerator, fears, gifts and all. We’re weaker when we’re not all in – fragile both in perfection and in flaws. Appreciating our wholeness is the only way we can co-exist in harmony within ourselves, and bring our full selves to life.

Do you struggle with an inner critic? What have you tried, what has worked, and what would you want to do differently? I’d love to hear back from you!

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

4 Ways to Automate the Sales Process (Besides Your CRM)

By: Holly Berrigan

2016-06-17-1466178320-5522411-marketing1.png
Image Source: FullFunnel

A Day in the Life of a Salesperson

We’ve all seen the movies where the “typical salesperson” is portrayed by either a sexy lady wooing clients or an obnoxious man sneakily trying to push buyers into something they don’t need or can’t afford. However, as we all know, this is a completely inaccurate representation for multiple reasons – but I’ll leave the salesperson stereotype conversation for another post. Today we’re going to focus on where salespeople really spend the majority of their time, and it’s neither sexy, nor with clients.

[Related: How to Hire A Sales Super Star]

Tools for Sales Process Automation

CSO Insights estimates that less than 33% of inside sales time is spent actively selling. This means that over 67% of their time is NOT client facing or closing. Pretty disappointing news when they’re the ones keeping the boat afloat.

Why is only 1/3 of their time going to client conversations? Because they are also tasked with generating and nurturing leads, a time intensive and tough process. Salespeople spend the other 2/3 of their non-client facing time on things like:

  • Prospect Emailing
  • Social Prospecting (LinkedIn, Twitter, etc)
  • Cold Calling
  • Qualifying Leads

While CRMs help keep the client information organized, the admin work surrounding the sale limits the number of opportunities each person can pursue.

To increase the number of opportunities, it is imperative to automate the sales process as much as possible. Here are a few tools outside the CRM which help automate the sales process:

1. Asana

Asana is a project management tool that allows for organization and tracking of projects, and ultimately reduces the time needed to manage projects via email, and eliminates all the time previously spent searching for information. Use this for organization of the sale and continuity throughout service.

Asana is a great tool for many reasons, but salespeople should focus on creating a project for strong leads and develop out the sales cycle under this tag with accurate due dates. Template this format and copy the entire project when a new strong lead comes in.

Example:

  1. Client Name
  2. Input in CRM
  3. Schedule Follow Up 1 (Email and Call)
  4. Schedule Follow Up # (as many as needed until at next point)
  5. Hold Demo
  6. Send Follow Up
  7. Send Contract
  8. Follow Up if Have Not Received Contract
  9. Confirm Contract Receipt

In templating this process, all that needs to be done is fill in the appropriate dates for each lead. Once the system is in full swing, living in the main task list is easy and gives back countless hours of admin time each week.

2. Rapportive

Finding contact information for leads is extremely time-consuming, but necessary to get the strong and specific leads companies are looking for. Tools like Rapportive make this process painless and save hours searching the internet for leads’ email addresses. With Rapportive it takes 10 seconds or less to complete the form and find out the correct email.

Here is a quick overview we’ve developed.

3. VOIQ

Wouldn’t it be nice to easily qualify thousands of leads over the phone without turning BDAs into call center workers? VOIQ solves this problem and qualifies leads for you without the madness of large scale call centers.

With as little as 1,000 leads, VOIQ callers will reach out to leads and confirm their interest before passing them on to a sales rep. This saves huge amounts of time and money, creating a lead engine and keeping the salespeople on the phone with pre-qualified leads vs. the traditional cold call.

Check out the product demo for more information.

[Related: The One Thing You Must Do To Make Your Message Relevant]

4. Sidekick

Monitoring how outreach is doing is crucial to understanding what is and isn’t working in sales. Sidekick makes it easy to see the success of email campaigns as well as your personal outreach. It shows when potential clients are interacting with emails and websites, allowing salespeople to reach out at the most optimal time.

In addition, Sidekick has a tool to mine contacts from prospects websites, making weeks-long research on an industry or leads list as simple as just a few clicks to import the contacts.

Check out how it works here.

There are thousands of tools and methods to automate the sales process. These 4 are tried-and-true ways to save time and money, significantly increasing the time spent closing, and ultimately leading to more sales.

This article previously appeared in LinkedIn and FullFunnel.

Holly Berrigan is Director of Accounts for FullFunnel and helps businesses gain traction. With a background in business development and international media, Holly enjoys creating and optimizing sales and marketing strategies. Fluent in Spanish, French, and Italian, Holly most enjoys training her golden retriever, Normando, in Spanish. She lives between Durham, NC and Boston.

Ellevate Network is a global women’s network: the essential resource for professional women who create, inspire and lead. Together, we #InvestInWomen.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

What I Still Don't Understand About Orlando

“Are you guys OK???”

On July 21, 2012, I woke up to that text from my cousin, Brett. I texted him back that we were fine.

My first thoughts were, “Where? Who?” But not why or what. Because I knew it was a shooting. What else would it be? And the why… there is no answer to that. The only “why” that I need an answer for is why do we allow it to keep happening? WHY?

The theatre that James Eagan Holmes shot up in Aurora, Colorado is twenty minutes from our house. Twenty minutes.

I didn’t see a movie in a theater after that for a long time.

“Look if something happens, just don’t do anything stupid, okay?” I say to Roy the first time we see a movie after the shooting.

“What do you mean?” Roy asked.

“Just don’t try to be a hero. If something ever happens, you just do what you need to get out safely.”

“Michael…” he started and gave me that look. I knew the look. “You can’t ask me that.”

But I was. I wanted to be selfish and it was such a Roy thing to do — for anyone. Without thinking. And my only thoughts were: It can’t happen to you.

But would I act any differently? Probably not. But if Roy promised me that he would just go – escape, I would promise him the same.

“Well I’m not leaving if you don’t,” I huffed. “Just know that. You stay, I stay. You die, I die.”
Because I would die for him, just like I would live for him.

And then the movie started.

***

I grew up in Nebraska, and was openly gay from a very young age back in the nineties. You know before things “got better.”

Before I was a teenager I had been threatened, ambushed and beaten in public. In school, I was teased harassed and mercilessly bullied, by both students and a few teachers.

“He’s chosen a hard life,” Ms. K said to my parents at Parent-Teacher conferences. Last I knew, being gay isn’t a choice. Did I choose for people to call me a faggot? Did I choose to be slammed against lockers or book-checked, to have my things stolen or destroyed; to have people put glue in my hair? Did I ask for kids to pull pranks and then say I was the culprit to try and get me expelled? Did I choose to have to switch buses? What about my “hard life” was a choice I made? Because really, it seems that my “hard life” was actually caused by a lot of others making choices based in fear and ignorance and hate. Those are choices I choose not to make.

***

I don’t understand. On June 12 this thought played on a loop in my head.

On December 14, 2012 Adam Lanza walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newton, Connecticut with a Bushmaster XM15-E2S. And he opened fire. Twenty-eight lives were stolen that day. Twenty of them were children who were only six or seven years old. I wonder what those twenty children would have achieved had they lived.

After we as a country cried, “Never Again!”

We lied.

Since Sandy Hook there have been 998 mass shootings in the United States, as defined by Gun Violence Archive. Three of the ten deadliest mass shootings in the United States, including the shooting in Orlando on June 12, have occurred AFTER Sandy Hook.

I don’t understand.

***

I’ve never understood religious extremists or those who do hateful things in the name of God. I’ll admit God and I aren’t all that tight in an official capacity. We used to be, until the priest at my church told me being gay was an instant access pass to Hell.

When a Catholic becomes of age (eighth grade) they are supposed to get confirmed. Confirmation is all about the person being old enough to pledge their life to God in the Catholic faith. Why would I want to be a member of an organization that told me my very existence was a sin?
But my parents were insistent and arranged for me to talk with the monsignor at my church. The meeting did not go very well (who would have thought, right?).

“What are some of your concerns with our doctrine,” Monsignor started, folding his hands.

“I think there is a lot of contradictory teachings and that the church actively promotes prejudice that I’m not okay with.”

“Such as?”

“Well for example, homosexuality. I completely disagree with the church’s stance on that.”

“Well, what is there to be confused about? Homosexuality is unnatural and not what God would want. Man and woman were created to procreate and that is what the act of love is for nothing else.”

“How is it unnatural?”

“Well, you cannot conceive a child through homosexual…”

“Sex,” I finished.

He turned red, “Yes, that.”

“So for couples who cannot have children, or older couples who have been married for four decades and can no longer procreate; people like that should not express love physically for one another?”

“N-no, that’s not what I meant,” he began.

“But you said the act of intercourse was only meant for procreation. So straight couples who can no longer procreate shouldn’t have sex. By your definition it is the same sin as homosexual sex.”
“The act of intercourse between a man and a woman is like this.” He took a finger on one hand and put it through the circle that his fingers on the other hand made. “It is natural and works.” Then he stuck out a finger on each hand and said, “See this doesn’t work.”

“Actually,” I corrected, “that is not how gay men have sex, it works like this,” and I made the same motion he had for the straight couple. “It’s just a different hole.”

Even though I feel like Catholic leaders are misguided in their viewpoints they don’t exactly spread the message, “Shoot ’em up!” But I have met my fair share of Catholics and Christians who truly feel like that is a solution.

“We should just round them all up and put them on an island, and nuke it!”

Do you want to know who said this? Fine, but I’ll need to know which time. I’ve been told this by “believers” (in person) more than fourteen times by eight different people. Did you want the time on the school bus when I was in sixth grade? Ninth grade? In my college dorms? Freshman, sophomore or junior years?

With different religious cult and hate groups, it is hardly a surprise that such hate exists. But it doesn’t mean I have to understand it, because I don’t. I think I’d be afraid if I did.

***

Before people started talking…

Aug. 1, 1966: University of Texas Tower in Austin, Texas. 14 people killed; 31 wounded.

July 18, 1984: McDonald’s restaurant in San Ysidro, California. 21 people killed; 19 wounded.

April 20, 1999: Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado. 15 people killed; 24 wounded.

In the midst of a conversation…

April 16, 2007: Virginia Tech in Blacksburg, Virginia. 33 people killed; 17 injured.

Nov. 5, 2009: Fort Hood military base in Fort Hood, Texas. 13 people killed; 30 wounded.

Dec. 14, 2012: Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut. 28 people killed; 2 injured.

What “Never Again” could have prevented…

Sept. 16, 2013: Washington Navy Yard in Washington, D.C. 13 people killed.

Dec. 2, 2015: Inland Regional Center in San Bernardino, California. 16 people killed; 24 injured.

June 12, 2016: Pulse Orlando nightclub in Orlando, Florida. 49 people killed; 53 injured.

Gun sense is common sense. No one is trying to take away a person’s second amendment rights, but those rights should be come with rules to protect people — as well as limits. No civilian needs to have access to weapons of mass destruction. They don’t need machine guns or assault rifles that can kill dozens in seconds. They just don’t.

If they’re weapons collectors – so what. A nuclear device is a weapon, are we going to permit civilian weapon collectors to have access to those too? Where does it end?

After every mass shooting there is some call to action. People who believe and say, “Enough is enough.” So why is this still happening?

We need to ban the types of guns that no one has a legitimate reason to own. This seems to simple to me, but it’s not.

Gun reform organizations like Everytown and Moms Demand Action haven’t even touched that yet. Why? Because they’re fighting for background checks on gun licenses and permits. But shouldn’t this be easily obtained? It’s not a law already? According to Everytown.org 92% of the public and 82% of gun owners support background checks, so what’s the deal? Each time a background check bill is introduced, it’s blocked by the NRA.

Because they have the right to make money. But how can money matter more than all the lives touched by gun violence?

Wake up, America! How many more lives need to be sacrificed before we do?

***

I’m so used to hate geared at me that it kind of runs off upon impact. That shouldn’t be the reaction I have. Shouldn’t being called a faggot still bother me? Deviant? Pervert? Should I feel threatened when some redneck in his truck acts like he is going to run me down?

After Roy and I got engaged we both invited every member of our families, knowing that many would not attend because of their personal objections. My family didn’t bother to RSVP back – they ignored it. Others just said they did not plan to attend. Roy’s Aunt Jane however chose to let Roy know she was superior and his deviance made her terrified for his soul.

I opened the letter she sent to him. I knew what was in it. Misguided, ignorant hateful garbage in the name of God. I thought, “No big deal.” It would be entertaining.

If it had been me, it would have been entertaining. As she wrote about “praying” for him and begging to let her help him repent and save him from eternal damnation I became enraged. How dare she say these things to Roy! I wanted to write some witty apology actually quoting the Bible, which I know quite well. I wanted to write her such a letter saying I was praying for her because she was twisting the words of the Lord for some petty hateful crap.

I wanted to spare Roy the letter but he already knew it arrived. When he got home he read it. It rolled off his back. But I was still angry. I realized it was fine for someone to come at me with a bat, but say an offhanded comment to Roy and I would lose my shit. Love is funny that way.
The rest of Roy’s family is great, overall much better than my own. But sometimes there is still that disconnect. Last month when we were visiting, we had dinner with Roy’s aunt, uncle and grandmother. His aunt is wonderful: loving, welcoming and I feel very close to her. But she doesn’t understand that it’s still us against the world. We got married when it wasn’t legal. Because screw being legally married, it was a promise we made to each other in front of our loved ones. That was all that mattered.

At dinner she wanted to know why I was voting Democrat, regardless of who won the nomination and my feelings for that person.

“But are you really happy with where our country is headed?” She asked me. (She meant economically.)

There was nowhere to go with this. I would never change her viewpoint and she would never change mine. And quite frankly I didn’t want to talk about it because it hit too close to home. For me politics are personal.

“I understand what you’re saying,” I said, “but the economy or every other issue will always take a backseat to my civil rights. Every GOP candidate makes my life a political issue. Each one has stated they intend to fight the Supreme Court ruling, which was just made last year, stating I had the right to be married. In some places we can’t adopt kids. In many places we can be fired for just being gay.”

“You can be fired?”

“Yes.”

“Where?”

“I don’t know offhand, but I can send you a list,” I said, hoping that would be the end. I didn’t want to tell her that I didn’t know EVERY state that still allowed this type of discrimination, but I knew that her home state of Florida is one of them; so is Nebraska.

The answer is 28 states. You can be fired for being gay in 28 states. Ironically just two weeks after the visit, Congress voted against passing a non-discrimination amendment protecting LGBT people. All the no’s were from Republicans.

I haven’t sent her the email because I love her. But she doesn’t get it. My life – Roy’s life will always come first on every other political issue.

Maybe after Orlando I need to rethink this.

In 45 states, you can openly carry a firearm.

In 37 states, you can buy and use that firearm without a license.

In 32 states, you can buy a gun at a gun show from a “private seller” without a background check.

I don’t understand how the rights of gun owners supersede my right to breathe. To go on living.

To not being gunned down for no other reason than being who I am; than living in America.

***

Around 2:00 a.m. on June 12, 2016, Omar Mir Seddique Mateen opened fire inside Pulse, a gay nightclub in Orlando, Florida. He killed 49 people, and injured 53 others.

But this is just another shooting, right? I mean they’re part of our culture in America. What’s one more?

Why is this an understandable reaction? “Another” should not be a word we use so casually with such a tragedy. Why do we need gun safety drills instead of severe weather or fire drills? Why are so many people accepting of the use of “another”? I want a day when a mass shooting is novel. It’s awful and horrible and so “strange” and unfamiliar.

But in all honesty, this was not just another shooting. It was “special”. This attack is the deadliest mass shooting in U.S. history. It is the deadliest incident of violence against LGBT people. It is the deadliest terror attack on U.S. soil since September 11, 2001. Please take a minute… let that sink in.

Now do you find this to be tragic? Upsetting? Are you thinking of the victims and their loved ones? Are you thinking the victims deserved to die?

Because there are quite a few people who do.

“Gays don’t deserve to live.”

“Good thing… less gays in the world today.”

“Homosexuality is condemned by God that’s why he let it happen ppl.”

“God opened his armory to deal with proud fag America.”

“I think the gunman did a good job.”

“Gays should be shot for disrespecting the natural order.”

“I’m so happy someone decided to start shooting perverts instead of innocent people.”

“The shooter is my hero.”

Never has a mass shooting elicited so much support — for the shooter.

You think these voices are the few, but they’re not. They are many. But these voices are important. They show exactly what it is like to be gay in the world today.

And let’s not forget that any one of these people can go out and buy a gun. I mean, what’s stopping them?

June is LGBT PRIDE Month. A lot of people wonder why we need to have PRIDE. This is WHY we need PRIDE. This is why we come out. This is why we stand up. Because we cannot live in fear. Because we are who we are and just want what the same rights as everyone else. We love who we love, but it is still love.

This attack — this is why we keep standing up. We keep fighting and celebrating who we are. Why we don’t back down and refuse to stay silent. This is why.

***

Love is the point — of everything. It is the meaning to life — to love and be loved. It drives us, keeps us going, whether in a quest to find it or being aware and grateful for all of the love around us. The greatest achievements and contributions to humanity have come from love. Love of others, love of self, love as a passion or calling.

I wonder what would happen if everyone who hated someone decided to love them instead. I think then the NRA would be screwed. No more need for guns at all. Because I do agree that guns don’t kill people, people kill people. But wow, do guns make it so much easier to kill a great number of people quickly and effectively.

For now I am taking my love and I am sitting here just not understanding.

I don’t understand hating someone so fiercely you want to end their life. Even someone who has wronged you in the vilest ways. But strangers? People just for being in the wrong place at the wrong time? People you are judging as sinners, when most religions promote love and acceptance before people twist it to fit their ignorant agendas?

I don’t understand the loss. Why it has to keep happening. I don’t understand. The hate. The senseless death. Any of it. I don’t. My heart is (breaking) with Orlando and the rest of my community as we grieve and seek to understand what cannot be understood.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

5 Things Daddy Does Better Than Mommy

2016-06-14-1465948396-7910155-image.jpeg

I don’t want to get into an endless debate over who’s the better parent. My husband and I each have a set of strengths and a set of weaknesses that bring life and color to our family.

But since Father’s Day is coming up, I interviewed my kids, and we’ve reached a consensus that there are (at least) 5 things Daddy does better than Mommy.

1. Building Stuff

I’m not a handy person, but boy, am I glad I married someone who is! Whether it’s building Lego blocks into something cool or putting together a new deck, Daddy definitely does it better.

2. Cooking

Though I do most of the cooking around here, Daddy is, hands down, the better cook. Unlike my husband, I’m recipe-dependent, so as long as I have a good recipe on hand, I can put together a decent meal. The father of my children, however, can add a pinch of this and a little of that, and the result is culinary heaven!

Even when Daddy prepares a simple lunch for the kids, they will go on and on about how that’s the best sandwich they’ve ever had. “Wait a minute,” I protest. “Didn’t I just make you the same sandwich the other day?” Honestly, I think he just slaps on an extra layer of Nutella in their sandwiches.

3. Play-fighting

Karate, wrestling, boxing, Jiu-Jitsu. Daddy moves the table and chairs off to the side and turns our living room floor into an place where all rough play is acceptable. Mommy just nervously looks away, trying not to think about possible trips to the E.R.

4. Driving

My husband says I drive like a nervous grandma, both hands gripping the steering wheel too tightly, neck tense, and sitting too close to the wheel. So what if I failed my driving test the first time? That was a long time ago. I think I’m a pretty good driver, but according to my kids, Daddy wins this one.

5. Giving Piggy Back Rides

I have racked up a combined total of 45 months of back-straining, sciatica-producing pregnancy. And once my youngest child outgrows the baby carrier, my kid-carrying days will soon come to an end. Fortunately, Daddy is still strong enough to give piggy back rides.

With all that said, I think I can share the title Super with Daddy. 🙂

What are other things that Dads do better than Moms?

 
This article was originally published on Less to More. Subscribe to get the latest posts.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

Diane Keaton Talks Lovers And Being 'Sexually Frustrated' At 70

Actress Diane Keaton spoke openly about her current sex life and her preferences in lovers on an episode of “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” airing.

With glasses of her namesake “The Keaton” wine flowing freely, the 70-year-old got pretty candid with host Ellen, who is also her costar in the new film “Finding Dory.”

Keaton’s wine is meant to be served on ice, which she says she loves to chew on. 

“They say that when you chew ice it means you’re sexually frustrated,” DeGeneres said.

“I am sexually frustrated,” Keaton replied. 

Though she says she’s had “so many” lovers in the past, she admits it’s not always easy these days to find dates with “sexually interested men.”

DeGeneres then invited the actress to play a fun game of “Who’d You Rather,” featuring a slew of handsome men of all ages, from Justin Bieber and Leonardo DiCaprio, to Al Pacino and Jack Nicholson. Last year she told DeGeneres she’d be willing to consider marriage if Channing Tatum was available. (Sorry, Diane. He’s not.)

Check out the videos above to see who Keaton says she has a “special feeling” for.

Gentlemen, Keaton is single and ready to mingle.  

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

How to Keep Your Guests Cool At A Summer Wedding

Outdoor weddings are the perfect way to take advantage of these upcoming summer months. You are almost guaranteed that the sun will be shining and the air will be filled with that beautiful summer scent. However, when the temperature starts to rise, it can be a challenge to make sure that your guests stay cool and comfortable during the entirety of your special day. Don’t let the heat change your mind about an outdoor wedding, just use these cute and clever ways to keep your guests cool and your wedding perfect.

2016-06-14-1465944659-1535749-cool.jpg(Photo by Ainsley Rose, Catering by Dirty Apron)

Shade your guests

Sitting in the shade as opposed to sitting directly under the sun can make all of the difference in your guests’ comfort. Make sure that you always provide a shady space for your friends and family to comfortably watch and enjoy your wedding ceremony. A flowy, white canopy is the perfect way to block out the sun but still allow the summer breeze to reach your guests. The canopy is also the perfect place to hang stringed lights, decorate with floral arrangements, or even hang chandeliers. Not only will it keep your guests cool, but it will add a magical and whimsical element to your already amazing wedding.

Another fun way to provide your guests with plenty of shade is having a basket of little umbrellas that they can pick up on their way to their seats. Choose umbrellas that match your color scheme, keeping it simple or choosing brightly patterned umbrellas. Your guests will feel comfortable and it will look amazing in your wedding pictures!

Give Out Practical Wedding Favors
Offer your guests a little extra breeze by placing paper fans on each seat. Customize them to have the date or a cute saying written on them. Your guests will appreciate being able to fan themselves as well as the party favor that they get to take home with them.

Reusable water bottles are another fun summer wedding favor that you can give to your guests. Design them yourself and have fun with it! Have a water station set up near by where guests can fill up their bottles and put them to use during the hot summer day.

Serve Summer Treats

If your ceremony is outside, start your catering service a little early by having the waiters serve poptails- cocktails in popsicle form- before the wedding begins. This is the perfect way to have a pre-ceremony cocktail party in a refreshing and playful way. Serve fruity and festive sangria popsicles or tangy mint mojito popsicles! Any combination is sure to be delicious, so be creative with it!

When looking at dinner options, remember to choose a menu that is appropriate for the weather. You cannot go wrong with fresh fruits, summer salads, and ice cream or popsicles for dessert! Take full advantage of the summer season and provide your guests with meals that will help cool them off on a hot summer day.

You are always taking a little bit of a chance during an outdoor wedding, no matter what season. Don’t let a little sun scare you away from getting married in the sweet summer air, just follow these tips to ensure that you are prepared for whatever weather is thrown your way.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

To Those Who Would Tell Me I'm 'Pretty For A Dark-Skinned Girl'

Colorism: You’re Cute To Be Dark

2016-06-11-1465609635-2562561-color.jpg
© Irina Bogolapova | Dreamstime.com

There was a time in my life when I didn’t lovingly embrace my dark skin. During my adolescent years, I was under the impression that lighter meant better. To me, lighter skin equaled automatic beauty and popularity. It wasn’t until I was much older that I realized one’s skin tone doesn’t define a person — character does. Furthermore, beauty comes in all shapes, colors, ages and sizes — it is not synonymous with one group.

I haven’t been able to pinpoint what caused the distorted view of myself and skin tones in general. Could it be that I didn’t receive enough affirmation as a child? I also wonder if it was because I didn’t see darker-skinned Black women glamourized when I was younger. Or could it possibly be something much deeper? Could being aware of Black history have an effect on how some of us view ourselves within our race?

For an example; if I had been alive during slavery, I would have been in the field picking cotton and chopping down tobacco — I would not have been working in the master’s house away from the brunt of the weather. I can only imagine the impact that had on darker-skinned Blacks. I would think the separation within our race based on skin tone created a sense of inferiority in darker-skinned Blacks and possibly a sense of superiority in fairer skinned Blacks. And I wonder if that mindset was inadvertently passed onto future generations because our ancestors were conditioned to segregation amongst themselves. The fact of the matter is, slavery existed several decades ago, but we as Black people are still fighting the remnants of it — colorism being one of them.

There were two occasions in my life when I was told by two different males that I was “cute to be dark.” At the time, I didn’t argue with them or even question their statement, but it obviously stuck in my mind. The incident is mind-boggling for several reasons; one being the fact that I encountered two different Black males who, at the time, didn’t necessarily believe dark-skinned women could be attractive.

Furthermore, one of the individuals is darker than me, and his mother and sister are dark-skinned as well. How did he view his mother and sister? What caused this belief? Don’t get me wrong, I understand there are people who have preferences but telling me, “You’re cute to be dark,” goes beyond preference. And what about the lighter-skinned guy? What had he been conditioned to for him to make the same statement? And I am very confident in saying I am not the only dark-skinned Black woman to be told, “You’re a pretty dark-skinned girl.” Huh? — is that supposed to be an oxymoron or something?

I remember watching the movie School Daze when I was 12. I admit that I didn’t get the message of the movie back then, but it addresses some interesting details in regards to skin tone among Blacks. One of the things that stood out the most to me is the actresses in the “Good and Bad Hair” scene. The women who played the” jigaboos” were mostly dark-skinned and depicted as wallflower-ish. But, the “wannabes” were mostly light-skinned and glamour-ish looking. I discovered something interesting about myself when I watched the aforementioned scene while researching this topic – there are dark-skinned women depicted as “wannabes” and light-skinned women depicted as “jigaboos” – I hadn’t noticed that before. Was I that blinded by my distorted belief? Am I the only one who didn’t notice?

Now I realize the importance of loving and embracing myself as I am. I also recognize the idiocy behind wishing I was someone else or even slightly different from who I am. Mainly because God doesn’t make mistakes, but in addition to that, we don’t know what it takes to be the person whose life we covet.

So, what do we do? What can we do? Is this behavior breakable?

I think it is ridiculous to complain about the lack of respect and acceptance from other races when we are divided within our own. I think we should teach and demonstrate self-acceptance and love in conjunction with embracing the differences we see in others within our race. We should spend our energy embracing and appreciating the beauty of our differences.

The truth of the matter is, no one is better than anyone else. Lighter isn’t better than darker or vice versa. Let’s teach and practice seeing each other in our simplest form — human. We’re all just dust anyway.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

This Is 'Hands Down' The Biggest Challenge In A Blended Family

As part of our Blended Family Friday series, each week we spotlight a different stepfamily to learn how they’ve worked to bring their two families together. Our hope is that by telling their stories, we’ll bring you closer to blended family bliss in your own life! Want to share your family’s story? Email us at divorce@huffingtonpost.com.

Jessica Valentino met her husband Matt six years ago. They instantly clicked, but she took her time getting to know his two kids. As a child of divorce herself, Valentino realized how important it was to let the relationship evolve slowly. 

“From the start, I’ve tried to keep in mind what the kids are going through,” the 28-year-old blogger told The Huffington Post. “You have to take everything one day at a time and don’t set such high expectations for yourself.” 

Below, Valentino, who blogs at Not The Average Mama, tells us more about the approach she’s taken to stepparenting. 

Hi Jessica! Please introduce us to your family.
There are five members in our family. Matt is my husband, then there’s my stepkids: James (8), my athletic stepson; Jordan (7), my sassy stepdaughter and Ford, our family dog! I don’t have any biological children of my own. I became a stepmom when the munchkins were just 18 months and two years old.

Matt and I have been together for six years. We met at the restaurant we worked at. We were married three years ago but to us the marriage was just a certificate. We were a family years ago.

When you met Matt, what approach did you take with his kids? 

Growing up, I didn’t want kids. I liked them but I just thought they weren’t for me. When I met James and Jordan, Matt and I wanted it to be on their turf so we met on a playground. For the first few weeks that was the kind of interaction I had with them. I was Jess to them. I never allowed them to call me mom. It was very important that they understood my role in their life very early. My role at first was more of just observing and learning. My husband was the one who knew their routines and personalities. After a year went by, my husband and I were learning at the same pace. Once that happened, we parented together and made decisions as a team. 

What have been some of the biggest challenges you’ve encountered as a stepparent so far?

Communication is hands down the biggest challenge in blended family life. I would say about 95 percent of the issues that result from co-parenting and blended families are related to a communication error. When there’s other parents, you need to have strong communication or everything else will fall apart.

There was one time when I was trying to be helpful by picking up the kids early on a Sunday. I wasn’t aware that it was their stepdad’s birthday. The kids’ biological mom Stephanie thought my husband knew. Stephanie assumed I knew this as well and thought I was trying to be rude and ruin their plans. This caused a huge fight. All that would of been avoided if we all communicated with each other. 

What makes you proudest of your stepfamily?
They say it takes a village raise a child and it truly does. The best part of having a blended family is seeing what each member has to offer the kids. It could be knowledge, common sense, life lessons or basic day-to-day things on how to get through life.

How do you deal with stress in your home?
I began blogging to release a lot of my stress. I held in a lot of anger over the years. Holding in the anger wasn’t working any longer and it started to affect my relationship with everyone around me. Matt and I also have this pact. If one of us is really upset about a situation we walk away from it, cool down, but always come back to talk about the issue at hand. Doing that ensures we are more levelheaded and not saying things we’ll regret later. I truly believe this has made our relationship and marriage stronger.

What’s your best advice for stepparents struggling to adjust to life in a blended family?

It’s hard find your place. I am thankful that my stepkids were younger when I met them. They don’t know a life without me in it. For stepparents with older kids, you have to be patient. I am a child of divorce and I know firsthand what it’s like to get two more parents without your permission. Children of divorce are trying to find their spot, too, and sometimes they don’t go about it the best way. If you don’t click right away with your stepkids, it doesn’t make you a failure. They are feeling you out, just like you would if you had strangers entering your life. 

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

Dear Obama, Trudeau and Peña Nieto: Act Now to Save the Monarch Butterfly

MEXICO CITY — More than 200 scientists, writers and artists have signed a letter addressed to Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto, U.S. President Barack Obama and Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, in advance of the North American Leaders’ Summit in Ottawa later this month.

The signers urge that swift and energetic actions be taken to save the monarch butterfly from the threats that endanger its survival. All three countries must work together to mitigate the loss of the butterflies’ breeding habitat and to terminate all logging and mining in the Monarch Butterfly Biosphere Reserve in Michoacan, Mexico.

Among the many signers are Margaret Atwood, Robert F. Kennedy, J.M.G. Le Clézio (Nobel Prize), Bill McKibben, Michael Ondaatje, Lawrence Ferlinghetti, John Ashbery, Yann Martel and Simon Schama. The letter is reproduced in full below.

monarch butterfly

A guide holds up a damaged and dying butterfly at the monarch butterfly reserve in Piedra Herrada, Mexico, on Nov. 12, 2015. (AP Photo/Rebecca Blackwell)

President Barack Obama
President Enrique Peña Nieto
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau

Honorable Gentlemen:

At the North American Leaders’ Summit held in Toluca, Mexico, on February 19, 2014, President Barack Obama, President Enrique Peña Nieto and Prime Minister Stephen Harper made the following commitment in their joint closing statement:

“Our governments will establish a working group to ensure the conservation of the Monarch butterfly, a species that symbolizes our association.”

The three heads of state were responding to the deep concern expressed in a letter signed by several hundred international monarch experts, scientists, writers and artists; the letter urged these leaders to address the future of the monarch butterfly and recommended the creation of a recognized breeding corridor along the monarch’s migratory route through Canada, the United States and Mexico. High Level Monarch Working Groups were then established in each country; national and trinational meetings are being held; and research and monitoring of monarchs have continued.

The need for effective action has become even more critical.

Conservation activities to protect the monarch butterfly are underway in all three countries, but the need for effective action has become even more critical. Earlier this year, a group of scientists predicted that “the Eastern migratory population has a substantial probability of quasi-extinction,” warning that this population must increase to at least 225 million to reduce the risk of extinction by half and to prevent the loss of a viable migratory population. The overwintering abundance of monarchs has shown a 20-year decline from 900 million in 1996-97 to 33 million in 2013-14. Although optimal weather conditions on the migratory route enabled the population to recover to 140 million during the winter of 2015-16, a severe and unusually late March storm reduced this winter’s abundance by up to 50 percent, illustrating the risk to survival of a diminished monarch migratory phenomenon.

Conservation and Threats

In the U.S., a June, 2014, Presidential Memorandum established a Pollinator Health Task Force, and the Task Force launched the National Strategy to Promote the Health of Honey Bees and Other Pollinators on May 19, 2015. One of the stated goals of the Strategy is to “increase the Eastern population of the monarch butterfly to 225 million butterflies occupying an area of 6 hectares in the overwintering grounds in Mexico, through domestic/international actions and public-private partnerships, by 2020.”

A principal cause of the 90 percent plunge in monarch numbers over the last 20 years is the massive use of glyphosate herbicides on land in the U.S. corn belt planted with genetically modified herbicide-resistant soybean and corn crops. Extensive spraying of these crops in the major summer breeding area of these butterflies has decimated milkweed, which is the only foodplant that monarch caterpillars can eat. New generation crops are being developed to resist additional herbicides, so the threat to milkweeds is increasing.

Concern about declining milkweed habitat led to a petition being submitted to the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service on August 26, 2014, requesting that the monarch butterfly be listed as threatened under the U.S. Endangered Species Act. The petition described the urgent need for federal protection; consideration of the petition is underway.

anonymousss

This shows the logging that took place in the Monarch Butterfly Biosphere Reserve after the March storms. For safety reasons, the photographer wishes to remain anonymous.

In April, 2015, Mexican (Grupo de los Cien, Alternare, Danaidas, Conservación y Desarrollo Sustentable, Costasalvaje and Telar Social México), American (Natural Resources Defense Council) and Canadian (David Suzuki Foundation) groups formally petitioned UNESCO’s World Heritage Committee to list the Monarch Butterfly Biosphere Reserve World Heritage Site on the List of World Heritage Sites in Danger. In a letter to the World Heritage Centre, pollinator and monarch scientists endorsed the petition and asked that Mexico, the United States and Canada strengthen collaborative efforts to protect and restore monarch habitat.

In Mexico, degradation of the overwintering sites continues despite official assurances that illegal logging is under control. Recently, scientists have confirmed that 10 hectares of mature forest on land belonging to the state of Michoacan were severely logged in 2015. Observers have also found small-scale logging in the Reserve, with both forms of logging damaging the protective forest canopy.

Furthermore, an unusually severe snow and rain storm in March, 2016, blew down numerous oyamel fir and pine trees. A week later, the Reserve’s acting director authorized salvage logging; subsequent photographs have shown that salvage logging has seriously degraded the forest floor. In contrast, allowing protected areas to regenerate naturally is a preferable management option to salvage logging for this rich oyamel fir-pine ecosystem. Continuing logging activities underscore the need for enforcing year-round protection of the forest throughout the Reserve.

monarch butterfly

A monarch butterfly in the snow in Michoacan state, Mexico, on March 11, after a strong winter storm. (ENRIQUE CASTRO/AFP/Getty Images)

Monarchs are facing a new potentially lethal threat to their overwintering habitat. In 2007, the Secretariat of Environment and Natural Resources awarded Grupo Mexico, Mexico’s largest mining corporation, a concession to reopen an old mine in Angangueo, to mine copper, zinc, lead, silver and gold beneath the core zone of the Reserve. The mining process will extract large volumes of water from the subsoil and expel it outside the area being worked, but water is vital for overwintering monarchs and for maintaining the surrounding forest ecosystem. There is no precedent for exposing overwintering monarch butterflies to a major mining operation, and the Environmental Impact Assessment does not address the inevitable harmful consequences to the butterflies, which are the reason for existence of the Monarch Butterfly Biosphere Reserve.

Need for Action

The three North American heads of state will meet on June 29, 2016, in Ottawa, their first joint meeting since 2014. We, the undersigned scientists, writers, artists and concerned citizens, call upon President Enrique Peña Nieto, President Barack Obama and Prime Minister Justin Trudeau to take swift and energetic actions to preserve the monarch’s migratory phenomenon. Success will require activity within all three countries: mitigation of the loss of breeding habitat due to milkweed-killing herbicide usage by protecting parcels of land with milkweeds and native nectar sources; termination of all logging in the Monarch Butterfly Biosphere Reserve; and a prohibition of mining in the Reserve. Leadership responding to these challenges is crucial; monarch butterflies are among the most extraordinary and iconic creatures on the planet, beloved by many, and they represent a fundamental connection of our three countries.

Sincerely yours,

Homero Aridjis — Writer; President, Grupo de los Cien; Former Mexican Ambassador to Switzerland, The Netherlands and UNESCO; President Emeritus, PEN International; Member, High Level Monarch Working Group (Mexico)

Professor Lincoln P. Brower — Research Professor of Biology, Sweet Briar College; Distinguished Service Professor of Zoology Emeritus, University of Florida

Professor Ernest H. Williams — William R. Kenan Professor Emeritus of Biology, Dept. of Biology, Hamilton College

Signers:

INTERNATIONAL MONARCH BUTTERFLY SCIENTISTS

Dr. John Alcock. Arizona State University, Dr. Alfonso Alonso, Smithsonian Institution, Dr. Sonia M. Altizer, University of Georgia, Dr. Michael Boppre, University of Freiburg, Germany, Dr. Lincoln P. Brower, Sweet Briar College, Dr. Linda S. Fink, Sweet Briar College, Dr. Barrie Frost, Queens University, Ontario, Canada, Dr. Jordi Honey-Roses, University of British Columbia, Canada, Dr. Pablo F. Jaramillo-López, UNAM, Michoacán, Mexico, Dr. Stephen B. Malcolm, Western Michigan University, Dr. Karen Oberhauser, University of Minnesota, Dr, John Pleasants, Iowa State University, Dr. Robert M. Pyle, Grays River, Washington, Dr. Isabel Ramirez, UNAM, Michoacán, Mexico, Dr. Daniel Slayback, Science Systems & Applications, Inc., Maryland, Dr. Stuart B. Weiss, Creekside Center for Earth Observations, California, Dr. Ernest H. Williams, Hamilton College, USA, Dr. Dick Vane-Wright, the Natural History Museum, London, UK, Dr. Myron P. Zalucki, University of Queensland, Australia.

WRITERS AND ARTISTS

U.S.:

Nova Ami, Kwame Anthony Appiah, John Ashbery, Paul Auster, Deirdre Bair, Russell Banks, Magda Bogin, Christopher Cokinos, Robert Darnton, Alison Hawthorne Deming, Rita Dove, Lawrence Ferlinghetti, Patrick Flanery, Francisco Goldman, Mimi Gross, Jessica Hagedorn, Sue Halpern, Sam Hamill, Robert Hass, Tom Hayden, Brenda Hillman, Edward Hirsch, Siri Hustvedt, Ilya Kaminsky, Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., Nicole Krauss, Jonathan Levi, Roberto Lovato, Amy Evans McClure, Michael McClure, Bill McKibben, Jeff McMillan, Molly Moore, David Rieff, Velcrow Ripper, Diane Rothenberg, Jerome Rothenberg, Dick Russell, Michael Scammell, Alex Shoumatoff, A. E. Stallings, Judith Thurman, Melissa Tuckey, Chase Twichell, Gwynedd Vetter-Drusch (Moving for Monarchs), Chuck Wachtel, Rosanna Warren, Alan Weisman, Terry Tempest Williams, City Lights Books.

Mexico:

Homero Aridjis, Lucia Alvarez, Juan Domingo Arguelles, Chloe Aridjis, Eva Aridjis, Alberto Blanco, Miguel Calderón, Marco Antonio Campos, Jennifer Clement, Elsa Cross, María José Cuevas, Ximena Cuevas, Laura Esquivel, Manuel Felguérez, Betty Ferber, Rubén Gallo, Emiliano Gironella, Jose Gordon, Roger von Gunten, Barbara Jacobs, Gabriela Jauregui, Daniel Krauze, León Krauze, Pura López Colomé, Jean Meyer, Marina Meyer, Matias Meyer, Pablo Meyer, Humberto Musacchio, Margarita de Orellana, Carmen Parra, Fernado del Paso, Paulina del Paso, Elena Poniatowska, Vicente Rojo, Betsabée Romero, Cristina Rubalcava, Juan Carlos Rulfo, Pablo Rulfo, Alberto Ruy Sánchez, Francisco Segovia, Isabel Turrent.

Canada:

Margaret Atwood, Ann Eriksson, Gary Geddes, Graeme Gibson, Terence Gower, Emile Martel, Yann Martel, George McWhirter, Michael Ondaatje, John Ralston Saul, Linda Spalding, Alison Wearing, Barbara Williams.

Other countries:

J. M. G. Le Clézio (Nobel Prize, France), Giuseppe Bellini (Italy), Breyten Breytenbach (South Africa), Vicente Cervera (Spain), Claudia Comes (Spain), Fabrizio Dall’Aglio (Italy), Kjell Espmark (Sweden), Ruth Fainlight (United Kingdom), Francisco de Asís Fernández (Nicaragua), Maneka Sanjay Gandhi (Minister for Women and Child Welfare, Government of India), Gloria Guardia (Panama), Antony Gormley (United Kingdom), Stratis Haviaras (Greece), Philip Hoare (United Kingdom), Laurens van Krevelen (Netherlands), Klaus Kropfinger (Germany), Darian Leader (United Kingdom), Norman Manea (USA/Rumania), Annick Le Scoëzec Masson (France), Jean-Claude Masson (Belgium), Lily Michaelides (Cyprus), Ruth Padel (United Kingdom), Cornelia Parker (United Kingdom), Vicken Parsons (United Kingdom), Alan Riding (United Kingdom), Aníbal Salazar Anglada (Spain), Fernando Savater (Spain), Simon Schama (United Kingdom), Eugene Schoulgin (Norway), Dino Siotis (Greece), Ángela García (Colombia), Lasse Soderberg (Sweden), Ali Smith (United Kingdom), Patrizia Spinato (Italy), Adam Thirlwell (United Kingdom), Luisa Valenzuela (Argentina), Helga von Kügelgen (Germany), Valerio Grutt (Italy), Zinovy Zinik (Russia/United Kingdom), Fred Viebahn (Germany), Frederic Amat (Spain), Neel Mukherjee (United Kingdom), Viktor Wynd (United Kingdom), Devorah Baum (United Kingdom), Josh Appignanesi (United Kingdom), Giuliano Ladolfi (Italy).

SCIENTISTS AND ENVIRONMENTALISTS

Dr. Gary Paul Nabhan (Make Way for Monarchs, University of Arizona), Scott Hoffman Black, (Executive Director, Xerces Society for Invertebrate Conservation, Chair, IUCN Butterfly Specialist Group, USA), Sarina Jepson (Director of Endangered Species Program, Xerces Society), Serge Dedina (Executive Director, Wildcoast, USA), Eduardo Najera Hillman (Director, Costasalvaje, Mexico), Tierra Curry (Senior Scientist, Center for Biological Diversity, USA), Scott Slovic (Editor, ISLE Interdisciplinary Studies in Literature and Environment, USA), Miguel Valencia Mulkay (Ecocomunidades, Mexico), Adriana Matalonga Rodríguez-Beltrán (Red Ecologista Autónoma de la Cuenca de México), Fernando Ortiz Monasterio (Director General, Corpambiental S.C., Mexico), Jonathon Porritt (Founder Director, Forum for the Future, United Kingdom), Tiahoga Ruge, Presidente, Amigos de la Biosfera, AC, México), Garrison Sposito (University of California at Berkeley), Simon Retallack (United Kingdom), Dr. Steven L. Swartz (Director, Laguna San Ignacio Ecosystem Science Program, USA/Mexico), Mary Lou Jones (San Ignacio Ecosystem Science Program, USA/Mexico), Todd Steiner (Executive Director, Turtle Island Restoration Network, USA), Diana Liverman (Institute of the Environment, University of Arizona), Eduardo Farah (EspejoRed, Mexico), Jewell James, Lummi Indian Tribe (USA), Kurt Russo, Executive Director, Native American Land Conservancy (USA), Dr. Alberto Darszón Israel (UNAM, México), Elideth Fernández (Mexico).

Also on WorldPost:

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

I'm Never Coming Back To This Place

I’m always annoyed when the typical newspaper travel article takes up space describing three meals a day eating cuisine that can be found in any major U.S. city. In between, the writer shops for something that almost sounds worth the customs hassle, lies on a beach with the same sand that can be found at home, and reviews bars that have drinks that be concocted anywhere.

If I’m going to travel halfway around the planet, I probably am never coming back, so I want to experience what is unique about the place: a world-class art museum, a religious festival, a stunning vista, the site of a major historic event. It’s important for our trade, politics, and cultural enrichment to get outside Fortress America once in a while, yet most Americans seem to think that if they can get to London, Paris, or Rome, they’re done. Here are a few unusual memories of the 34 countries I’ve visited (many with my wife, Sandra).

Northern Ireland Mythology. In 1991, I toured Navan Centre in Armagh, from which Ulster’s ancient rulers generated history and legends as exciting as those of King Arthur. They were brought alive by immersive audiovisual presentations and the Centre continues to use the latest technology to illuminate everything from Celtic spirituality to ancient warfare. The beautiful north of Ireland remains one of the great undiscovered destinations, now that political violence is very rare.

Renaissance Italy. In 1996, I was stunned to discover that Italy has 40% of the world’s art, but I wasn’t prepared to fully understand it, being rusty on the Greek mythology on which so much is based. And it was only when I listened to a record of the relevant volume of Will Durant’s The Story of Civilization that I came to fully appreciate that the Renaissance was a cultural supernova. Some memories need to be enhanced afterwards.

Cuba, Tropical Communism. In 1998, I had State Department permission to go to Cuba to interview Fidel Castro. However, by the time I was ready to go in July, my PR contact was on a long vacation and everyone else on the staff was terrified to make a decision without his approval. I went without a press pass to write a travel article, risking arrest, which put us in the same paranoid mindset as the Cuban public. We did get to listen to Castro speak for several hours on Revolution Day, participated in Mardi Gras, and our fortunes were read by a Santeria priest.

The Glory of Greece. In 2001, we wrote a background piece for those who were preparing to go to the Olympics in Athens three years later. On the flight there, we read Edith Hamilton’s The Greek Way, which explained how the Golden Age of Greece became the fountainhead of western civilization. Modern Greece may be dysfunctional, but the people are fiercely and justly proud of their heritage and we came back with a new perspective on history.

Eternal Egypt. We thought we were going to see the pyramids, which turned out to be rather boring and very difficult to get into. But we left the tour group that was going snorkeling to visit the legendary temple at Abydos, whose walls are covered with paintings that are still vivid, and it is the only place where the symbols of all the pharaohs are inscribed. On our last night, we were put into a trance by Cairo’s uniquely colorful version of the Sufi whirling dervishes.


Sacred and Secular India
. In 2004, we toured Northern India with some trepidation, after decades of stories about health hazards. What we found were not beggars, but street entrepreneurs. The ambition and educational values of Indians have resulted in some of the world’s best medical schools and the ability to occupy of a quarter of the CEO seats at Silicon Valley tech companies. At the same time, religion remains intertwined with daily life, whether on the sidewalk or in the boardroom.


Turkey, Crossroads of History
. In 2005, we spent three weeks in Turkey, which has 40,000 historical sites (most excitingly me Troy, since I aspired to be an archaeologist as a boy). It also has a modern Muslim culture, the perfect introduction to a modern Islamic society for Americans. Istanbul is an extraordinarily dynamic (and clean) city (despite the news, you’re less likely to be killed there than if you stay home).


Glorious Samarkand
. In 2008, we finally made it to Uzbekistan (my original visa application was denied because my name is the same as a reporter who been critical of the government). Samarkand, the legendary ancient capital, is full of stunning Islamic tile art and metalwork, alone worth the price of a trip (photo is of a ceiling of a madrassah in Registan plaza).

2016-06-14-1465944637-8289206-SamarkandCeilingb.jpg

Mighty Malta. We visited this tiny Mediterranean island in 2009, which has been the site of battles that changed the course of history. The Knights of Malta inflicted the first defeat on the Ottoman Empire in 1565 and in 1943 was bombed for 100 days by the Nazis, as the Allies used it as the staging ground for the invasion of Sicily. It has a fascinating history, starting with the world’s oldest freestanding buildings, temples that were constructed around 3600 B.C., a millennium before the Great Pyramid (see photo of Mnajdra temple).

2016-06-14-1465944982-6343967-MaltaMnajdrab.jpg


Underrated Toronto
. As we prepared to go to Toronto in 2011, we kept hearing that it was like New York City run by the Swiss: the good news was that it was clean; the bad that it was boring. It turned out to be the first, but not the second. It is an economic powerhouse that provides a high quality of life and lots of cultural options, while doing an excellent job of preserving its history. Two museums sounded worth skipping, but we’re glad we didn’t: the Bata Shoe Museum (the history of footwear is quite fascinating) and the Gallery of Intuit Art (powerful sculptures of shamans in the act of turning into animals–see photo).

2016-06-14-1465945265-7997942-TOREskimob.jpg

South African Safari. In 2013, we flew to South Africa, but had only two days for a safari at the Sabi Sabi Game Reserve, which was nevertheless supposed to be the centerpiece of the story. We’d heard stories of tourists who saw little except gazelles in a week. We needn’t have worried: we literally came face-to-face with a leopard, were nearly charged by a mother rhino protecting her baby, and got trapped in the middle of a ferocious cave buffalo herd. The animals reminded us that all living things flourish when they adapt to their environment, something humans seem determined not to do as we refuse to change our ways in the face of climate change.

The Maya of Guatemala. I was a guest lecturer at UCLA on the Maya of Central America for years. The one press trip I had signed up to see their cities was cancelled. I finally had a chance to go to Guatemala in 2015 to visit Tikal, but equally fascinating was that Mayan shamanism is continues to be practiced by Catholics. For many reasons, I see Guatemala as the next hot Latin destination (here’s the full story: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/scott-s-smith/the-magnificent-maya-of-guatemala_b_7118234.html).

By focusing on what’s unique about each destination, we extract its essence and never have to come back until we run out of countries.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.