Preface: As I prepare to write this piece, I want to be clear about my motives with you, the reader. My intention is to tell my story so that others might learn from it and avoid the fix that I am in. Grandstanding and beating my chest about stage IV cancer (aka Big Nasty) is not something I am interested in at all. But, if I can change the course of one life for the better, that will be my reward and this piece will be worth the effort.
Love, Devotion, Surrender
— Universal Truths
It was a quiet and fruitful nine months on the Big Nasty (Prostate Cancer) front.
There were plans to re-dedicate myself to helping save the digital ad business from itself.
And of course, while I was doing that, I would save the planet from humanity as global environmental red flags continue to rise at an alarming clip… dirty water, planetary over-heating, and on and on and on.
And work on new and emerging businesses that I have a passion for while spending a “lazy” summer with loving family and friends. Maybe even wade into the cesspool of politics.
A re-match with Big Nasty’s little one, Son of Big Nasty (SOBN) was not in the plan. Yet, here we go, another match is underway. A very different match indeed. This time we are doing it UFC style. A cage match where anything goes. I am definitely a step slower, but I will compensate with a good training regime and street smarts.
This is clearly not my nature, a cage match. I’m a gentleman by trade — I fight clean. But if I need to adapt to a new fighting method as a life-saving precaution, so be it.
In spending time with my trainer/doctor and I saw it was definitely game on. When the trainer comes in with that serious look on his face, you know it’s time to prep for another battle.
For those of you who are familiar with my story and the parlance, AJ’s PSA was nearing 180 six weeks ago. It’s a far cry from the nearly 900 PSA I started with in February of 2015. I took umbrage in beating that number back into the 30’s and keeping it there into the spring of 2016. But normal is 4 and below.
So 180 I thought. This should not be a problem. I got my gloves on and stepped into the cage. I could tell right away that this fight was going to be different. First, I’m in a cage and there are no ropes. And you can use any means necessary to take down your opponent and then beat the living hell out of them when they are down.
So I did that.
PSA’s back dropped rapidly. From 180 to 90. Good start I thought. (As SOBN and I started to engage again seven or eight weeks ago. I began to notice a little something here and there. Sucker punches. But I thought nothing of it. And I hit back with force. Big Nasty always liked to throw sucker punches. But I would return the fire in-kind and then some and he would retreat. He taught his offspring the same way I am seeing. So far anyway. Let’s see what he’s got.)
SOBN and I have been engaging now for close to two months and it has been getting intense. I was feeling confident. We’ve have been giving each other a good beating, but it’s a cage match. Finally, I got a good swift kick to the head over the weekend from SOBN when I was not looking. It left me on the canvas. A ten count was on and I was back on my feet at 8.
The round ended as I got my wobbly-self up and into my corner. A quick 911 call smelling salts, CAT Scans and MRI’s were the order of the day. God bless my trainers and loving supporters in my corner.
As an aside, the MRI process was another one of those life experiences I will cherish forever. It takes you to new levels in getting to know yourself. Trapped in a closed tube pressing against your flesh with nowhere to go for an hour as the MRI machine dissects your brain and spinal cord for any damage.
You lay there still with your mind, as one intense sound after another beats on you. They asked me if I wanted a sedative before the procedure. No. Reflection, prayer and meditation took me places, and the hour passed quickly.
The scans showed everything was clear in the brain, but there was collateral damage to the skull and spinal cord. Lesions from my first bout with Big Nasty or new ones being inflicted by SOBN. It does not matter. They are there and my trainer has that look. We must be vigilant. We must fight. You can do this. Mouthpiece in.
The battle is taking its toll and this punk (SOBN) knows it. He is bloodied up pretty good himself, but I can tell he is coming at me hard for this next round. I see the blood thirsty grin on his face. He has no respect, no decorum, like the orange man in the red hat we have come to know over the last six months.
I am feeling the aches and pains of this bout. I’m breaking new ground in that department. The rounds and rounds with SOBN’s papa definitely left some scars that are opening up.
The bell rings for the round. I get up a little wobbly. Fight smart I tell myself. Watch those feet to the head. Listen to your trainer.
My fighting inspiration is coming from a variety of sources. Beloved friends and family. My spiritual self that has been fined tuned over my life by great teachers and teachings, with constant mental medicine of love, devotion and surrender to a higher purpose. I point to the sky before I start each round.
And inspiration, in this fight especially, comes from one family member in particular, my brother John.
John was a special soul. Life was a struggle, from birth for John. He was a special needs person. He was blessed with a wonderful life at Misericordia, but he cherished constant home visits, as our family did with him. His struggles started with his first breath and never stopped.
I could always count on his check-ins once or twice a week by phone, wherever I was. If he left a message, he always finished the call with “I will love you forever big brother, see you soon.”
We had a kinship and an unbreakable bond in this life, for the 52 years we shared. John left this earth a few weeks ago.
He died in my arms on the way to the hospital at 2 am on a Sunday morning in April 2016. Our last evening together was very special. Pure love. It’s who he was and how he lived his life. And those that were open to his love and got to know him, and put the judgements aside, they discovered that love, too. He was a gift to so many.
He had his demons like we all do. But he taught me so much about overcoming life’s struggles each and every day.
So as SOBN and AJ get deep into it, I am always reminded of John and his battle from the get go. This one is for you John. I love you buddy. JDH.
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