Hasta La Gadget!

“The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving.” ~ Elizabeth Gilbert

Right after extended family vacations, therapists and attorneys see an increase in calls from couples that have had enough of their unhappy marriage and want to call it quits. January (after winter holidays) and back to school (after summer holidays) are busy for us.

Perhaps one or both spouses have been contemplating the fate of their marriage for a while –sometimes years. Stay? Go? Stay. Go. It’s utterly crazy-making. Then, they reach the invisible breaking point and begin the painful and arduous process of deconstructing the family.

But there’s another option that more and more people are paying attention to. It’s called a Parenting Marriage and it actually isn’t a new concept. A Parenting Marriage happens when the romantic aspect of the relationship has gone by the wayside but you have kids together and you don’t split up.

Not only have other cultures practiced it for years, Americans have been doing it unknowingly for decades. Just think about the 1950s when everyone had to keep up appearances, meanwhile, there were all kinds of negative vibes and illicit affairs going on.

I originally came up with this concept when I was working with a couple that couldn’t get unstuck from their loveless relationship, yet refused to break up. Both wanted to see the kids every day, tuck them in at night, help them with their homework and go on family outings.

The husband felt he was being held hostage by his wife who had zero interest in sex (but he loved her and didn’t want to have an affair — even though she told him to go ahead) and the wife saw him as “bothering” her and taking time and attention away from her first priority: the kids. She, in fact, hated sex and had since the birth of their second child.

I kept wondering why, in a time when we have more choices with what bubble gum to chew, don’t we have more options than simply to stay or go when it comes to something as all-encompassing as marriage.

We worked on this for quite a while. Finally, we figured out a way that they could reconfigure their house so they could both stay, but have a sense of separation (this was also during the Recession so the option to live apart was not feasible). We didn’t have a name for it.

My next couple with the same dilemma was a lesbian couple. They said almost the exact same thing: “We don’t want to be together but no one wants to leave, what can we do?”

I let them know what I had just crafted with this other couple and, although they were nervous about it, they decided to give it a try. It worked for them as well.

In the past six years, I’ve helped dozens of other couples create a Parenting Marriage. It’s worked for many and it’s a viable alternative to staying unhappily (perhaps having an affair and creating even more unhappiness and hurt) or leaving and breaking apart the family unit.

That said, there are couples this would not work for. Couples need to have a “good enough” relationship. This means they share parenting values and goals, they are capable of getting along and they have a certain level of emotional maturity.

There’s ample research out there that divorce isn’t the worst thing that parents can do to kids: Fighting terribly and subjecting them to vitriolic hatred toward the other parent is the worst thing for kids to be subjected to. Therefore, staying married in such a state is actually worse for kids than divorce.

I’ve seen many people divorce and, because they handled their emotions well, the children also did well. I’ve also witnessed couples do significant damage to their kids by staying in an unhealthy relationship and trying to “make it work.”

But, because it is also true that a two-parent household typically has some significant advantages over two separate, single-parent homes, it’s worth asking: What if you could stay for the kids and lead your own life–possibly even having outside romantic relationships?

What I’m suggesting in a Parenting Marriage is that you can have your cake and eat it too in an above-board, respectful kind of way.

Think of it as changing your job description. As spouses, you change from lover, best friend, and co-parent to co-parent first and foremost, friends maybe, and lovers no longer. The marriage is no longer based upon the emotion of love; it’s centered around raising healthy kids together.

It’s a great option but couples are nervous to try something different. I ask people to think about if half the neighbors on your block were doing a Parenting Marriage, would it be a good option then? If the answer is yes, that means you’re resistance is primarily around what others will think of you.

As Brene Brown says, “Dare to change the world. Just start with yourself.”

If this concept piques your curiosity, you may want to take this quiz to see if a Parenting Marriage might be a good alternative for you.

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Will Smith may not know it, but his kids definitely think he’s cool. 

Willow and Jaden Smith gush about the Suicide Squad actor and their mom Jada Pinkett Smith in the September issue of Interview magazine. 

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There was recently the following comment on my article “Game Plan For Less Boring Sex” in which I recommend that the lower libido partner be the one to initiate sex for a while:

Dear Dr Psych Mom,

Your suggestion seems to be that the husband should wait for his wife to initiate, and meanwhile take care of all his needs himself (i.e. masturbate). Do I have that right?

That does nothing for intimacy and connection.

Is there a reason that you didn’t suggest that the wife make herself available to him for either a hand job or oral sex? Manual stimulation of him by his wife should not serve to reset her sexual clock back to zero. In other words, her time of ‘sexually recharging and working towards a naturally occurring desire to initiate’ should march on. Right?

Here is a longer version of my response.

For some women, with higher sex drives overall, or weirdly and conversely, who have absolutely zero sexual desire altogether, that works. For the former, it’s because the hand job or blowjob will end up getting them in the mood, and for the latter, they are so uninterested in sex that there is no possibility of desire, yet they are not emotionally or intellectually averse to trying for the sake of the marriage. In fact, I recommend that very approach here and here.

However, this plan doesn’t work for a lot of women who feel that they are being pressured into sex, or for women who just feel exhausted and “touched out.” (Read about how to deal when your wife won’t give head here.) This is because, behaviorally, giving head or a handjob when you don’t want to ends up making an unconscious, Pavlovian association between the husband’s sexual satisfaction and the woman’s own apathy and even disgust.  Because, weird as it may seem to people with high libidos, when you’re not aroused, sex can elicit the disgust emotion.

Here’s an analogy.  Let’s say your kid doesn’t like broccoli.  You would likely have the best shot at him eating broccoli when he naturally felt hungry.  But let’s say, instead of waiting till he was hungry and would eat almost anything, you decided to feed him broccoli when he wasn’t hungry anyway, right after lunch. When you’re full, any food may seem disgusting, even food that you like.  In this scenario, it would be likely that your child’s brain would make an unconscious association between broccoli and disgust, and fullness, and being force fed.

So, if you don’t want your penis to be the broccoli in this equation, it is best to let your wife initiate sex.  Believe me, your wife knows about the option of giving you a handjob or a blowjob.  If she wanted to help you out, she would.  If she doesn’t want to, there are either problems in the marriage, or she is one of the people who know that they would experience desire if you just gave them some breathing room, so she wants to wait for her own desire to occur so she can genuinely enjoy you and your penis.

Thanks for commenting, and till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Ain’t Nobody Want Their Penis To Be Like Broccoli, In Any Possible Sense.

This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest.
Pre-order Dr. Rodman’s newest book 52 Emails to Transform Your Marriage, and order her first book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family.

Learn about Dr. Rodman’s private practice, including therapy, coaching, and consultation, here. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.

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Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump’s November, 2015 mocking imitation of journalist Serge Kovaleski, who suffers from a congenital joint condition, was met with world-wide shock, disdain, and outrage.

Teasing or mimicking of disabilities is rude; it is a major social no-no, as is staring or pointing. Most of us are taught early in life, at an age when we are also taught the danger of running with scissors, that people, come in all sizes and colors. Today there is a great deal of emphasis on going beyond tolerance to acceptance in our language and in our actions toward differences between and among people.

What was called teasing when I went to school in the 1950’s is now defined as bullying and our awareness has been heightened to the serious ill-effects such behavior can have on the recipients of taunting, including suicide, when the bullying is intense and involves exposure on the internet.

But there are unintended slights we need to be aware as well.

People have many disfiguring or deforming conditions. A TV ad for medication to treat Psoriatic Arthritis features the phrase “See me, don’t stare at me.”

I have RA (Rheumatoid Arthritis).

RA is very different from OA (osteoarthritis) which is the wear-and-tear disease that comes to many as they age. RA, however, is a chronic, incurable, autoimmune disease that causes swollen, tender, and painful joints and can lead to deformities of all joints affected with resulting disabilities. RA is systemic, which means it can also affect all body organs not just joints. It can cause inflammation of the heart and the lungs, can affect the eyes, cause vasculitis and symptoms such as fatigue. It affects women three times more than men and most commonly begins between ages 30 and 60. (When children get it is called juvenile arthritis.)

Many with RA who begin early treatment with current biologic agents (tumor necrosis factor inhibitors such as Enbrel, Kineret, Humira and Orencia), DMRADS (Disease-modifying antirheumatic drugs), or methotrexate (alone or in combination) often find relief, even remission. For others, symptoms, including fatigue, can come and go.

For many such RA patients, their biggest social problem is having an “invisible” ailment and the lack of understanding they receive when they are having a bad day.

Not so for me. I have had RA for approximately 40 years. I was diagnosed decades before the new drugs, which stop the progression of the disease, and thus eliminate a great deal of the permanent crippling, were available. Also, the prevailing thinking for RA treatment at the time was conservative, i.e. start with the mildest of NSAIDs (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs) in the class with aspirin and ibuprofen. Today, treatment is generally more aggressive and far better, so that those newly diagnosed will likely never experience the deformities I have. Even among those who have had the disease as long as I have, my case is rather severe and unusual.

Recently, I mentioned to an acquaintance my self-consciousness about my hands and that I try to keep them out of sight. I was asked:

“Why don’t you wear gloves?”

I explained that: #1) I cannot get any gloves on my gnarly, twisted hands and in the winter I have to wear MITTENS, and #2) didn’t she think that would only draw MORE attention to my hands?

I am sure she meant well, despite the fact that we were having this conversation on a sweltering hot day in the midst of a summer heatwave, and even if we were in the middle of a winter cold wave, wouldn’t wearing gloves indoors be extremely conspicuous?

I imagine in her mind it was a helpful suggestion like asking a woman who said she was self-conscious about a scar, birthmark or skin condition if she had considered using a more concealing makeup. Or, telling a man who was self-conscious about baldness, to wear a hat to hide it, something many balding men do.

But I heard: “Put a bag over your head” or a suggestion that I – or anyone else with a deformity or disfigurement – should hide their difference to avoid others’ discomfort.

It also made me wonder why she thought I would not have thought of such a solution myself – just as a woman with a scar would be pretty well informed of, familiar with, and likely had already tried many types of makeup, just as a bald man would be aware that hats were an option – making either the question I was asked or the hypothetical ones somewhat insulting, regardless how well intentioned or the thinking that’s what you would do if you had to live with that scar or discoloration.

In fact, even if you actually have the same condition, it is best to share what works for you rather than suggest what someone else might do. Different solutions work for different people. Some people might use make-up or even tattoos to cover scars. While others find it self-empowering to be photographed or seen in public bearing their scars proudly. Some women have reconstructive surgery after a mastectomy and some do not. Two breast cancer survivors, Emily Jensen and Melanie Test, walked a runway topless. These are individual choices and each should be respected.

Be cautious of “helpful suggestions.” For instance, if a friend said they were self-conscious about being overweight, suggesting they dress differently – perhaps more conservatively or wear black more because it allegedly is “slimming” – might be helpful or it could be hurtful.

As a person with a disability, I am also often faced with people offering assistance opening something or doing anything that requires manual dexterity that I might be struggling with. Again, while well-meaning, I have lived alone most of my life with my situation and open every package, jar and bottle all by myself. I have an assortment of helping devices for each of these tasks including an electric jar opener, and when I need assistance, I ask for it! This is true of the vast majority of differently-abled people. Unasked-for help often feels like it is being offered to ease the discomfort of the person offering the help. I and others with disabilities may do things more slowly. Please have patience with us.

On the other hand, (no pun intended) what I do wish people would be more cognizant of is a too firm handshake! I am amazed that women and well as men feel the need to show their strength with a really powerful, a vice-like, gripping handshake. It is perhaps a subconscious attempt to prove virility lest one be seen as “weak.”

Squeezing my hand in this manner causes me pain, but even people without any health issues have reported that they too feel handshakes often get overdone. It is supposed to be a friendly gesture. A shake not a squeeze! Certainly, no one needs to give anyone elderly, frail or whose hand is in a bandage, a bone-crushing power grip!

Be aware, courteous, caring, helpful, respectful and gentle. And when in doubt, ask thoughtful, sensitive questions.

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High school students aren’t just decorating their lockers anymore. 

In states including Texas and Florida, students are personalizing their parking spaces, and the photos showcasing their creativity are going viral. 

Madi Bradley, who’s class president at Naaman Forest High School in Texas, says that at her school, the effort has a larger purpose. The spots and the permission to decorate them serve as a fundraiser for prom.

“We let everyone chose their spot, and it’s first come first serve,” she told HuffPost. “Everyone comes with their friends so they can pick out spots next to each other!” 

“We have the last week of summer to paint,” Bradley explained. “So all of the seniors come up and paint and it’s like a big parking lot party.”

Here are the best of the lot. 

A Drake fan created this pun-ny piece of pavement:

A father and son got together to make a truly dynamite sparking space:

Harry Potter inspired this magical space:

Clearly this teen thinks she’s got the sweetest spot at school:

Madi Bradley channeled the 1960s with her groovy piece of ground:

This student wanted to create a reminder to think outside the box (even though the message is in a box):

This wise teen knows that no one is perfect, but this space kind of is:

A student painted a positive mantra to read before she steps into school each day:

An Avengers-loving senior made a silhouette of superheroes:

This teen decided she can use a daily dose of flower power:

And this space’s creator clearly wanted their spot to make a splash:

Hat tip: Mashable

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