The horrible question everyone should never have to ask themselves: what if? What if you studied a little more? What if you worked a little harder? What if you exercised and tried to be more healthy? What if you actually asked that person out on a date? What if you took a vacation? What if you never stayed up late at night and masturbated to Carmen Electra?
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Do you know how to get the truth out of people? Not from some sort of movie truth serum shot or on a late night talk show or even in a conversation between two ferns, the way to pry the obscene truth is to stick them in a hot tub and feed them drinks. Life is so much clearer when everything is bubbling around you.
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Homeland is coming back this Sunday! After an uneven second season, what’s the third season going to be like? Should we hope for something as brilliant as the first even though it might be unrealistic or should we just root for Homeland… The Musical to happen on Broadway. After watching the hilarious video above, I think we should hope that The Musical version will happen.
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Other than being beautiful (not that Samuel L. is beautiful) and rich and powerful, being a celebrity must be really crappy. Can you imagine all the strangers rushing up to you? Can you imagine all the weird demands that ‘fans’ have? Can you imagine all the delusional people blaming you for doing your job? Samuel L. Jackson can.
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The iPhone 5C not cheap enough for you? Funny or Die says Apple should make a legitimately crappy phone called the iPhone 5F. All it does is play snake, tether, charge without a lightning cable and let you use your friend’s iPhones. You wanted cheap, right?
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It’s probably a thankless job working a sperm bank since no matter how professional you keep things and no matter how numb your are to creeps and no matter how much paperwork you file and no matter how much pornography you offer, you’ll still run into awkward situations. It’s like a ruder version of working at the DMV where the people who work at the DMV are your customers.
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Moms are the coolest. Not because they birthed you into this world, not because they raised you, not because they can never stop taking care of you but because there was a point in time where she wasn’t a mom yet. And she gave that all up to create another human. So never doubt that your mom only knows how to mother, she knows everything you did before you did. Even the shocker. Hell, she knows more about that than you do too.
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Most people love San Francisco! Well, except for that one startup guy
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Break ups are a horrible thing to go through! But what might be worse is that period of time right before a break up when you start to get annoyed with everything your girlfriend or boyfriend does. The way they slurp their food, the icky way they use napkins, their hygiene. Every once adorable tic becomes a grating flaw of their character. Just don’t handle breakups like Gillian Jacobs.
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If you’re over the age of 12, you probably wondered why the hell Pixar ever made Cars 2. And then when you heard about Planes, you probably wondered who in the world would go see a Pixar-less Disney movie that sounds like the direct to DVD cousin of Cars. Merchandising is not an excuse for crap! The formula is simple, really: any vehicle-related movie made by Disney or Pixar is a must not watch. Funny or Die pokes fun of Disney’s Jay Leno-like vehicle obsession by showing just how many vehicle-related movies they have in the pipeline.
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This is site is run by Sascha Endlicher, M.A., during ungodly late night hours. Wanna know more about him? Connect via Social Media by jumping to about.me/sascha.endlicher.
