As you know, we took a lot of measurements this morning—height, weight, head circumference—and in most respects, your baby is doing great. There’s just one thing, and it’s not necessarily something to be concerned about, but we do need to talk about it: Your baby’s Klout score is in the 25th percentile.
This isn’t brick and mortar, it’s glass and steel. Pseudonymous Apple Store employee J. K. Appleseed walks you through a choose-your-own-adventure story with a twist. Yep, we’re going backstage at Apple Retail, the supercollider of human expectations and consumer technology.
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I didn’t know this until I went to work for Apple Retail, but their credo is "Enriching Lives." I never had a job with a philosophy attached to it. I know the Marines have one. It’s Semper Fi. If you see that on a bumper sticker, it’s Latin for, "Mess with this car, and you’re dog meat."
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What, if anything, would you stand in line for all night? Front row tickets to your favorite band? A cameo on your favorite show? A spot for your child in that better school?
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An Apple employee is never supposed to point when giving directions in their store. For example, when asked where the iPhone cases are sold, a specialist should either gesture with an open hand or, preferably, walk the customer to the proper location.
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The only thing harder than math is math about real life. These Microsoft Word problems from our friends at McSweeney’s are impossible:
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You may have seen reports this week that a team at MIT is developing so-called “4D printing” technology, which would go far beyond current 3D printing technology’s capacity to print three-dimensional objects with a machine. This team has stated that its fourth “D” involves objects self-assembling. I want to assure you, my unwavering investors, that 11D Technologies has long been aware of this development and continues to achieve superior technological progress that will allow our company to remain a leader in this field for the foreseeable future. More »
While data shows that overall happiness in your relationship fell 8 more points, there is still a 31 percent chance of makeup sex this Friday, depending on average energy levels after work and how proactive you’re feeling (see chart). However, if you just order $18 of Chinese takeout like you did last weekend, projections show a 16.8 percent drop in possible intercourse and a whopping 74.2 percent upswing in Netflix-streaming, with both of you falling asleep long before the movie is over. More »
Why, hello there!-I was just appraising some rare PDFs in the back room when I heard you come in. Feel free to peruse our inventory, and if you have any questions, please allow me-one of the world’s foremost authorities on and purveyors of fine electronic books-to act as your steward through the wonderfully esoteric world of antique eBook collecting. More »
I hope you Apple Geniuses are up to snuff because I’m pretty sure my iPad’s busted. No matter how much I use it to check email, surf the web, or tag photos on Facebook, I’m still gnawed at by a horrifying emptiness that no amount of fiddling with your magical gadget can fill. More »
This is site is run by Sascha Endlicher, M.A., during ungodly late night hours. Wanna know more about him? Connect via Social Media by jumping to about.me/sascha.endlicher.
