Hasta La Gadget!

We love apps on the iPhone. Lurve them. They are capable of keeping track of your budget, translating foreign languages and even delivering ample doses of cow bell. But we can’t give every app out there a ringing endorsement. More than a few stinkers don’t work as promised, are endlessly confusing or are horrifically expensive. The latter group is what we’ve got in our crosshairs today.

These get our vote for the top 13 overpriced iPhone apps. While some are fairly useful (Wolfram Alpha, we’re looking at you) others make about as much sense as a Faberge hackey sack. (A special thanks to Krapps, the iPhone-app review site, for a few contributions to this list!)

Rock Band

Price: $10 game, $1 for every two extra songs
What it purportedly does: The underwhelming iPhone version of Rock Band costs $10, includes only 20 songs to start and then asks you to spend even more in the Music Store after you’re thoroughly bored by the initial offerings. Plus, do you know how hard it is to rock a guitar solo on an iPhone’s tiny screen? You’d be better off spending your money on a tiny garage-sale ukulele.

Download [iTunes]

Wolfram Alpha

Price: $50
What it purportedly does: To its credit, the app is actually pretty awesome. It displays all Wolfram Alpha answers (text or GIFs) and either wraps or scales them to the iPhone’s screen. There’s even a special virtual keypad that provides quick access to symbols commonly used by Wolfram junkies. But 50 dollars? Gee whillikers, Professor, you could buy a decent graphing calculator for that much cash, and use Google to answer all your other questions for free.

Download [iTunes]

Rosie Home Automation

Price: $50
What it purportedly does: Turns your iPhone into a universal remote for controlling not only your A/V equipment but also lighting and security systems. Provided all that equipment is made by Rosie’s parent company, Savant Systems.

Download [iTunes]

The Sushi Experience

Price: $70
What it purportedly does: It’s a book that educates you on the history of sushi — and how to make delicious rolls. But shouldn’t e-books be, uh, cheaper than print books? Digital distribution costs next to nothing after all. For $70, we’d want the app to make sushi for you.

Download [iTunes]

Can Moo

Price: $90
What it purportedly does: The virtual cow-tipping game was initially $1, but the developer probably raised the price to $100 after the app didn’t sell. Now, all the developer has to do is pray for some drunken frat boy to accidentally tap the Buy Now button. Good luck!

Download [iTunes]

You Are Rich

Price: $100
What it purportedly does: Nothing. Except part an idiot from his money, much like its predecessor, the $1,000 “I Am Rich” app.

Download [iTunes]

TomTom

Price: $100
What it purportedly does: Voice-guided, turn-by-turn, GPS navigation. But more often it suffers from “poor GPS connection” and thinks you’re cruising through a forest when you’re actually stuck in rush-hour traffic. If you want a perfect GPS experience, the company recommends purchasing a separate car mount for an additional $120, making a total of $220 you’re burning on spotty GPS navigation. If you’re willing to spend that much on navigation, you might as well pick up a standalone GPS — or if you’re at the end of a contract, switch to a $200 Motorola Droid that features rich, detailed maps and turn-by-turn directions that are never confusing.

Download [iTunes]

XA1

Price: $180
What it purportedly does: Intended for professional level studio people, XA1 soaks up audio via the iPhone’s microphone and then displays it as a visual graph of the audio spectrum. While the app does offer some very cool and very geeky features, we’re wondering who would buy this. Wouldn’t you be better served by actual in-studio equipment?

Download [iTunes]

iDcrm

Price: $200
What it purportedly does: A full version of Microsoft’s titanic business program, Dynamics CRM, optimized for the iPhone. Two hundred bucks is a lot, yes. But chances are the accounts payable department will be signing off on this one, not you.

Download [iTunes]

MyAccountsToGo

Price: $450
What it purportedly does: From its description on the App Store, it seems to be a program for accessing accounting and financial information from Microsoft Dynamics GP financial system. We’re not sure if you should necessarily be in business if you’re spending nearly $500 on a mobile app. But hey, it’s financial wizards, not Wired editors, who got rich while bringing you the mortgage meltdown and the near-collapse of the U.S. economy. Maybe we’re just not the target audience.

Download [iTunes]

Viper SmartStart

Price: Free! Oh wait … you need a $500 accessory to make it work.
What it purportedly does: The $500 accessory in question hooks into to your car’s ignition and lets you switch your vehicle on from your iPhone. Hey, it’s perfect for impressing the bridge and tunnel crowd.

Download [iTunes]

iRa Pro

Price: $900
What it purportedly does: Got an insanely expensive array of surveillance cameras? iRa Pro lets you watch live video feeds and manipulate camera angles through a swipe of the finger. A must-have for the fortresses of hyper-paranoid supervillains.

Download [iTunes]

iVIP Black

Price: $1,000
What it purportedly does: The developers of iVIP Black must have had Philadelphia “fameballer” Arthur Kade in mind when they created this app. Because he’s probably the only person who would burn $1,000 on a “lifestyle management” app that allegedly grants you access to VIP privileges in restaurants, bars, night clubs, helicopters, jets and more. There are zero ratings for the app in the App Store, and no wonder.

Download [iTunes]

See Also:

• 10 Most Awesome iPhone Apps of 2008
• Five iPhone Apps That Replace Bike Hardware
• Top 10 iPhone Games, as Voted by Wired.com Readers
• 10 iPhone Games You Must Own

Photo: Jon Snyder/Wired.com

It was inevitable: The phenomenally popular rhythm game Rock Band has jammed into the phenomenally popular iPhone. Indeed, the mobile version shows loyalty to the console title, delivering elegant graphics, flashy animations and, of course, a store to purchase more tunes. But the iPhone game is loyal to a fault, because the Rock Band experience just doesn’t translate very well onto the handset’s touchscreen interface. Plus, it’s too expensive.

Rock Band for iPhone retains the interface in which colorful “notes” scroll down a screen, requiring you to match them once they reach the bottom. In the iPhone version, you tap the respective color for a note to play it — same gameplay for each of the four instruments: lead guitar, bass guitar, drums and microphone. You heard right: even for the microphone you’re tapping notes to sing; you don’t actually get to sing into the iPhone’s microphone (which seems like a missed opportunity).

The gameplay sounds easy, but those skinny, rectangular bars representing the notes are pretty difficult to see on the iPhone’s screen as opposed to a large television. It’ll take some time — lots of missed notes and failed “performances” — getting used to the game, and bottom line, it just isn’t that fun. (Disclosure: I speak from the perspective of a Rock Band enthusiast who plays expert mode on all the instruments for the PlayStation 3 game.)

Playing guitar is especially rough. In the console version, there are many incidents where you must hold multiple frets and strum to play a chord. The iPhone’s touchscreen is too small for these gestures. It creates an ergonomically awkward experience, which isn’t anything like the joy of shredding a plastic guitar for the console system.

And then there’s price. The Rock Band Music Store (right) sells songs in packs of 2 for $1. For the console version, tracks costs $2 a piece, which seems like a reasonable amount to pay to entertain a living room full of guests. But $0.50 per track to tap around to songs on your iPhone? Over time, including the cost of the game ($10), you could be spending a pretty hefty amount.

The result of Rock Band for iPhone unfortunately appears to be the case where a big software developer (Electronic Arts) believes its game is so popular that it needn’t be modified much in order to attract mobile customers. We think it needs some adjustments in gameplay and pricing to be a compelling iPhone game. Currently it’s no. 3 in Apple’s list of Top Grossing apps in the App Store, but we doubt this will stay popular over a long term.

We’re willing to bet most iPhone customers will stick with Tap Tap Revenge, which demonstrates a smarter understanding of how to create an enjoyable rhythm game for the iPhone. For notes, rather than squint-inducing rectangles, Tap Tap Revenge displays glowing dots, which are much easier to see and tap on the iPhone’s touchscreen. The latest version, Tap Tap Revenge 3, is priced at a reasonable $1 and introduces a music store charging 50 cents per track as well.

Update: Corrected an error about song pricing for Rock Band.

Product Page [Electronic Arts]

Download Link

See Also:

• Nine Inch Nails-Branded Tap Tap Revenge Coming to iPhone …
• iPhone Rhythm Game Tap Tap Revenge 3 Strutting Into App Store Soon …
• Gadgets, Games Help Musicians Offset Declining Sales

I love chess. I love the nervous rush I get when starting a game, and the tense excitement when the kill is near. I also love Super Mario World (one of the best games ever made) for the exact same reasons. But which is better?

Luckily, I don’t have to make this painful decision, for I can have both at the same time. This Super Mario chess set features Mario and his team on the side of white, with Bowser and his sadistic minions playing for black. Using gold coins for pawns is a little lame — it should be mushrooms, right? — but green shells as bad pawns and Yoshi as the knight are inspired choices.

There is one oddity, though: Luigi is the queen. What’s going on there? $40.

Product page [Think Geek via Oh Gizmo!]

It’s hard to be delicate about this product, but I shall try. The Artificial Virginity Hymen is something that could have life-saving uses in parts of the world where women’s sexuality is oppressed. The diaphragm is designed to break and discharge fluid during intercourse, and while it could actually be used to avoid life-long stigmatization in cultures which demand virginity before marriage, it is more likely to be used as a toy or even as a value-added extra for sex professionals.

And as the Lady pointed out when her essential opinion was solicited, it is unlikely that a woman who may need this would have access to it anyway. Then again, it is being marketed on a sex-toy website, and catering to all kinds of fetishes is of course just fine. Maybe it’s the produce pitch itself which rankles so, insensitive and rather icky as it is. I have pasted it in below so you don’t have to click through to a sex-toy site from your office computer.

There is one thing we can learn from this. If you ever find yourself thinking “I wonder if they make …?” then the answer is almost certainly a big “yes.”

Product page [Gigimo via Geekologie]

No more worry about losing your virginity. With this product, you can have your first night back anytime. Insert this artificial hymen into your vagina carefully. It will expand a little and make you feel tight. When your lover penetrate, it will ooze out a liquid that look like blood not too much but just the right amount. Add in a few moans and groans, you will pass through undetectable. Its easy to use, clinically proven non-toxic to human and has no side effects, no pain to use and no allergic reaction.

Are we having fun yet? Apparently not, as shown by the massive amounts of effort devoted to helping us amuse ourselves no matter where we are or what we are doing.

The collective intelligence poured into inventing new portable games over the past several centuries is equivalent, scientists estimate, to the outpouring of genius from a whole year’s worth of Nobel prize winners. Except instead of curing cancer, we’re making toys for kids who have trouble paying attention in school!

The PSPgo is merely the latest in a long string of pocket games. Let’s take a look at some of the highlights of pocket entertainment from the past. In this and the following pages, we highlight 12 of the best — and the 13th, of course, is Sony’s cute but pricey PSPgo.

What did we miss? Let us know in the comments and, if we can find a decent, public-domain photo, we’ll add it to the gallery here and give you our undying thanks.
Above: The cup and ball game has been tormenting children for centuries. Requiring little more than a little woodworking skill and a length of string to create, it was cheap, clever and devilishly difficult to play. As a bonus, it taught hand-eye coordination and the importance of not swearing loudly even when very frustrated — skills that in later centuries would prove useful on the golf course, freeway and cubicle farm.