Hasta La Gadget!

You already know what it will take to beat down a zombie horde, but a throng of frantic last minute shoppers is another matter altogether. Here are the tools you need to win the day.

Overcoming Your Physical Limitations:

HAL Exoskeleton: First thing is first. In order to outwit your opponent and score the last minute deals you desire, you are going to need a strength and speed advantage. Renting a Hal Exoskeleton from Cyberdine will increase your strength up to 10x the norm—making it easy to lift heavy gifts and intimidate the weak. Sure, a rental costs about $2,200—but you have to ask yourself: how bad do I want to win? [Cyberdine via Link]

iShoes: As mentioned, speed will also be a key to victory. These self-propelled shoes will help you travel the store at a whopping 13.5 mph. [iShoes via Link]

Secure Your Prize:

Sonic Alarm Grenade: Once you have located your prize, you will need to secure it from the grubby hands of the holiday horde. Wearing a set of earplugs and pulling the pin on this sonic grenade should buy you a little breathing room. It packs an ear-splitting high decibel blast that can cut through a crowd like a knife. [Firebox via Link]

R/C Skunk: Speaking of cutting a path through a crowd, sending this realistic looking radio-controlled skunk down the store aisles should help clear the way. It even has a flickable tail to strike fear in the heart of your enemies. [TYNKE]

Security Briefs: These dummy skid-marked briefs are intended to be a secure place to hide your valuables, but placing them on top of the HDTV you want while you shop elsewhere works well too. [Baron Bob]

Cyber Clean: Like the security briefs, Cyber Clean goo can be repurposed for holiday horde fighting. Under normal use, the substance helps clean your keyboard. But sneezing and throwing it discreetly on the product you desire should help you secure it. Licking it and / or putting it down your pants is also effective. [Expert Verdict]

Misdirection:

Excuse Me, I’m a Reporter with a Camera: People will do anything for someone with a camera. Picking up an old shoulder-mount VHS camcorder and a cheap mic from eBay will give you free reign of the store. Posing as a local reporter covering the last minute holiday shopping crowds will help you cut through lines and grab the items you need with no resistance. You can even add a microphone flag for added authenticity. Sure, a VHS camcorder is a poor substitute for a modern, professional video camera—but amidst all of the chaos and the thrill of being on television, people are unlikely to notice. [eBay]

Protect Yourself:

Defender Hoodie: As we have learned from the horrific incident at Toys R Us this year, it is important to protect yourself from insane, gun-wielding shoppers. The Defender Hoodie is made from 2mm of Type IIA bulletproofing—enough to stop a 9mm full-metal-jacket round at a velocity of 1,090 feet-per-second. [Bladerunner via Link]

Umbuster Umbrella: Finally, as a last line of defense, the Umbuster knuckle-dusting umbrella will help you beat down mother nature and crazed holiday shoppers that would trample over their own grandmother to score a deal. [Sruli Recht via Link]

[Image via Zorpia]