I don’t remember the last time I ate Jell-O, just to eat Jell-O. Who does that anymore? Wait. Why don’t I do that anymore? Jell-O was one of my favorite things as a kid and now that I’m a stuffy ah-dult, I don’t eat the colored clear crack because I’m too big time now? That’s stupid. I’m stupid. My younger self would hate me for not buying all the candy I pass by when I’m at the market and all the times I drive by Toys ‘R Us and never pull in and all the other things I promised I would do when I had money and freedom but don’t do anymore. More »

I could go on and on about the relative merits of owning a $1 LED headlamp that normally costs $20. But I feel like our programmer Chris Beidelman put the value of this thing into perspective so much better than I ever could:

I have one of them. The strap feels really shitty and plasticky, and it smells like gasoline. But it’s a dollar. Buy a couple in case you get stuck in a mineshaft.By the way, For a dollar, you can either buy a crispy chicken sandwich at Wendy’s or A FUCKING HEAD LAMP.

He blew your mind, didn’t he? He tends to do that to the Giz staff on a daily basis. But I’ll blow your mind again: for $2, you could have BOTH. You’re welcome. -AC

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Holy shit! The house is collapsing! The entire house is falling apart! Laura—Laura, can you hear me? The roof is falling down! In chunks! Big chunks! Sweetie?? Can you hear this? This is incredible—everything is just falling down all over the place. The lamp! Oh sweet Christ, Aunt Ling’s lamp just crumbled before me. It’s all over Laura—I think I’m going down with the ship. No—no you hang up first. Laura! Baby, listen, I didn’t mean any of those things I wrote in the Courier-Dispatch—no, look, I know you were indicted, but that’s behind us, I—okay, fine. Well I’m telling you, the entire house is falling down. Everything is shaking. Shaking like God’s own tambourine! Well I know I’m not a churchgoing man, but, I’ll tell you, I feel holy spirit in this shaking house. Oh, the computer? No my laptop’s fine, I’ve got a 128GB Kingston SSD drive. Data corruption probably won’t be an issue, what with the lack of moving parts. And it was only $128 with free shipping! Can you believe that? Laura? Laura..? -SB

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Black and white TVs begat Color TVs begat big screen TVs begat HDTVs begat flat screen TVs begat 1080p HDTVs begat 120Hz TVs begat 3D TVs. TVs for everybody! And everybody loves the boob tube, everybody wants their fill of mindless entertainment, everybody needs to have the biggest and baddest TV on the block. So it’s become this status symbol for your home, the measuring stick on who’s best. Buying this 47″ LG 1080p 120Hz 3D HDTV Blu-ray player bundle for only 900 bucks will give you a pretty big stick. -CC

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That “home video” you recorded on vacation, that “home video” you recorded while bored on a rainy day, that “home video” you recorded in college. Yeah, you don’t want those landing in the wrong hands. But your digital hoarding, glory day re-living, libido of a teenage boy having self just won’t let you delete it. It’s okay. You have to satisfy your inner perviness somehow. That’s why you need to keep your sensitive bits secure. Like NEXT LEVEL secure. This 1GB Black Box Innovations Datalock PIN secure USB Drive is only 10 bucks. You gotta set a passcode to access it, so home videos can stay at home. -CC

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